You know how we dating writers always tell guys not to give advice or try to fix a problem unless they're specifically asked?
I don't always listen to my own advice.
Recently I was sitting around with some female friends. One of them was commenting on her boyfriend wanting praise for doing a minor domestic chore.
DAN: Did you give it to him?
WOMAN #1: Of course not. Why should I praise him for just doing the bare minimum?
In hindsight, it was probably a rhetorical question.
Too late. I was already in full Dating Fundamentalist Preacher mode. If there was a soapbox around, I would have climbed up and stood on it.
DAN: You can't withold praise. Men are like children. We need constant praise and attention. If you withold that, you end up divorced and unloved.
DIVORCED WOMAN AT THE TABLE: Thanks a lot.
Even Gateway Boyfriends sometimes say the wrong thing. Especially when they're worked up about something.
DAN: I didn't mean you. (to Woman #1)So any time he does anything that is kind of like what you want, First you grab his arm with both hands and snuggle up against him so your boobs rub aganst his arm. and then you say, "My Hero."
WOMAN #1: Uh huh.
DAN: And then you kiss him on the cheek.
At this point I demonstrated, cuddling into a near wall, and popping up on my tippy toes to kiss the plaster.
GIRL#1: that was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
DAN: It was not ridiculous. It was cool and romantic and educational.
DIVORCED WOMAN: Do it again so I can video it with my Blackberry.
DAN: No way!
DIVORCED WOMAN: Why, cause you're afraid of looking stupid?
DAN: Of course not. Gateway Boyfriends always look great. It's because...because it's proprietary information, that's why. The last thing I need is bootleg Gateway Boyfriend products on the market. I have to protect my brand.
The Women just shook their heads.
DAN: You know that saying "My Hero" and kissing a guy on the cheek? I could use that right about now.
More head shaking.
I wonder if Dan Savage has days like this.
-May All Beings Be Called "My Hero"
[UPDATE - Several days later I got an email from Woman #1 saying my advice worked. So my public humiliation was not in vain. One more blow struck for true love, courtesy of the Gateway Boyfriend
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I think it's fair to say 'My Hero' and kiss him on the cheek for doing chores, so long as the male companion in question is willing to say 'You're a goddess' and kiss her on the cheek for any and all similar tasks.
ReplyDeleteDone.
ReplyDeleteUsing the phrase "hero" is an instant win with any guy. Particularly if you pair it with the adjective "sexual".
ReplyDeleteThat might be too much, Aldonza, if you're trying to get said guy to complete household chores without distraction.
ReplyDeleteWe men are not great multi-taskers.
"Sweetie, I can't have unload the dishwasher AND have an erection at the same time. We need to do something about this."
@Dan
ReplyDeleteWho said I was trying to get the dishwasher unloaded? ;-)