Saturday, June 26, 2010
Nobody likes to be judged.
Not you, not me, not the people we date.
Unfortunately, almost all of us are better at recognizing judgmental attitudes in other people than we are in ourselves. When somebody labels us, we call it “being judgmental.” When we label others, we call it “being right.”
Don’t be fooled.
I can’t show you how to make other people less judgmental. But I can tell you a couple ways that helped me become less quick to judge.
Here are a couple general tips:
1 - Listen. There are often gaps between what people want to say, what they actually say, and what we hear. Don’t let yourself fall into the chasm. When people are talking, pay attention to what they’re saying instead of using the time to mentally formulate what YOU’RE going to say next.
2 - Don’t worry about other people’s judgment. If people want to judge you or others that’s their own business. If you hold it against them or condemn them for it, that’s just as judgmental. Just like in War Games, the only way to win is not to play.
3 - Treat people based on who they are. Be with the person who is in front of you, not the person you want or think they should be.
4 - Make expressing yourself honestly a priority over ‘being right‘. We aren’t just judgemental about other people. Often we are judgmental towards ourselves. We ‘re afraid to express anything but “the right thing to say.” There’s nothing wrong with being liked or being right. But when you depend on it for your self-esteem, you’re asking for trouble.
And a couple specific tips:
5 -Whether you’re talking about yourself or other people, eliminate “should” from your vocabulary. No more “you should ask her out” or “You should listen more.” Even more importantly, no more “I should be a better person.” Should implies comparison to some ideal. We aren’t interested in ideals. We’re interested in real people.
6 - Beware sentences starting with the word “You,” and especially “you are.” Instead of saying “You are a good person” or “Trent is a judgmental dirt bag,” talk about how YOU feel about it ie: “I like how well you treat me” or “I could do without Trent telling me how I should live my life.”
Decide to make today a non-judgement day. Be aware through out the day of the way you might judge other people and yourself. Are you surprised at what you realize?
-May All Beings Be Sexy
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