The thirteen words that make up the next paragraph may strike some as painfully obvious. For a lot of us, it’s just painful. I’ve learned to swallow many truths over the course of my love life, but this particular pill did not go down easy.
Sometimes the ones we love fall in love with people who aren’t us.
Worse, there is nothing we can do about it.
Jealousy doesn‘t work. Guilting doesn‘t work. Rules don‘t work. If anything, those things make a person more likely to stray.
The most effective strategy is the one that feels the most vulnerable…trusting them and trusting yourself to know how to be the best partner you can. Failing that, you have to trust that you and your partner have the wisdom to know when to fight for what you have and when it is better to walk away.
But not only that is a tall order, it is no guarantee of success either.
It is possible you haven’t been doing the things you could have to maintain the relationship. It is possible you have reasons for this. Or maybe you’ve already broken up, but you have hopes of getting back together.
Or maybe you DON’T want to get back together. Maybe you just see how quickly they found someone else, and it hurts, possibly even makes you wonder if they already had this other person in mind before they ended the relationship.
Or maybe it has nothing to do with you at all.
It isn’t up to you who your partner falls in love with. In some ways, it isn’t always even up to them.
Sometimes there might be something you can do. A gesture of commitment, a show of support, an ultimatum.
Other times there will be nothing you can do but grieve.
Sometimes the ones we love fall in love with people who aren’t us
I’ve been there. It’s painful. I wish I had more comfort to offer. I won’t ask you to like it.
But sometimes learning to accept it is the next best thing.
PRACTICE
1. Say the words to quietly yourself: “Sometimes the ones we love fall in love with people who aren’t us”
2. Can you accept this is possible? What feelings come up when you do this? Notice them. Give them their due.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 five or ten times. If you are in a situation where someone you love loves someone else, do this every day for a week.
See what happens.
-May All Beings Be Sexy
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Dan,
ReplyDeleteI've been there. It sucks, and continued to suck for at least a year afterwards. It sucked learning that it happened in part because of some sociobiological reasons, namely female hypergamy on her part, and an insufficiency of alpha traits on my part.
As you can probably guess at this point from the languaging I use, yes, I studied game more. Let me explain--I had studied game a long time ago, was reasonably successful at it, and then I fell for someone I thought was 'the one.'
Of course, not being really proficient at game, and also having some residual Catholic guilt over the whole thing, I let go of what game I had, and pedestalized the girl I was with.
Of course attraction was lost at some point, and she ended up falling for a total douchebag. I mean, a complete asshat, a natural asshole alpha male who was already living with a woman who he had two kids with, and whom he cheated on repeatedly with my ex.
So.. I grieved.. I mourned...and I learned game, and I will NEVER go back. Learnt my lessen the hard way--social dominance, confidence, frame, interal game, and a true understanding of human sexuality, these were all hard-won in the University of Hard Knocks.
And so, now, in my mid-30's, I take only a bit of comfort in the fact that my sexual desirability, as a conscious, fit, professional male, is growing, and my ex, being of the same age, well, she's 'hitting the wall,' as it's said.
What I do take some pride in is just a chance.. that is, a chance that, with tight game--with confidence and knowledge, I could attract a younger, hotter, tighter, sweeter, more appropriate, more loving, and more bonded partner, and keep her.
And in the mean time, I can date, practice, explore, experiment, observe, relate, and have a helluva lot of fun.
Not even noticing that the two-year anniversary of the end of that relationship was the natural end result of living the life described in the last two paragraphs. Months went by after the anniversary that I had somberly marked the year before, and when I realized I blew past it without remembering, nothing could remove the smile on my face and in my heart.
That, my friend, is satisfaction.
Cheers