The Zen of Kissing

Listen up, Love Soldiers. It’s time to talk about kissing.

You don’t have to practice on a pillow or practice speech therapy excercises to strengthen your lips and tongue that you found in a library book. Not that anyone you and I know would do that, ha ha.

Okay. I did it. But I’m a dating nerd. And in fairness, I’m told I’m an excellent kisser.

But it’s not necessary to go to such lengths (though if you are, email, and I‘ll try and dig up the title and author of that book).

Here are four things about kissing I’ve found helpful

1. Anticipation. The build-up to the kiss is as important as the kiss itself. Look from your partner’s eyes to his/her lips and back again. Lean in and back. How close can you get your lips before they actually touch? Smile. Tease. When your lips finally touch, it should be as much a surprise to you as to the other person.

The best kisses just happen. Nobody knows who initiated it. The kiss happened because it was time for the kiss to happen.

2. Kissing is a full body experience. Experiment. There’s more to kissing than lips and tongue. What are you doing with your hands? What happens when you move your head? How close or far away is the rest of your body? Your legs? Press your entire body against your partner. Or take everything away but the barest touch of lips.

Experiment. Learn what you like. Learn what your partner likes. Above all, remember that…

3. Kissing is self-expression. Kiss from the heart. What do you feel right now? Horny? Tender? Passionate? A combination of all of these things? Express that with your lips.

Sometimes even emotions we see as negative can lead to some memorable kisses. Anger. Loneliness. Even the sadness of knowing this may be the last time your lips meet. Don’t be afraid to let those feelings out.

That’s what kissing is for.

4. Above all, Pay Attention. When you’re kissing, KISS. Don’t think about what you’re going to do to them next. Don’t compare this kiss to your last partner or wonder if your roommate is watching. Don’t get caught up wondering if you are doing it ‘right.’

Just kiss.

The floor is open for comments. What’s your secret to kissing? Tell us about your favorites and what made them memorable.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

The Upward Spiral: Celebrate Small Victories

In moments of hopelessness, it is easy to focus on the negative.

Even when things are okay, it is normal to find ourselves turning to things that are wrong, looking for things to fix.

We talk about cycles in destructive or unhealthy relationships. People fall into patterns of behavior and don`t know how to get out. You find yourself doing things you know are counter-productive, pushing buttons and reacting to having your buttons pushed, knowing the damage you are doing, but unable to stop yourself.

We see these downward spirals in the Wheel of Pain, the Cycle of Abuse, and even a cycle of self-abuse. You’ve probably seen these things. Maybe you recognize them from personal experience.

If so, that’s fine.

What we DON`T talk about so much is that the tendency of human relationships to cycle can also help us, an upward spiral, if you will. Thanks to this, even in the darkest moments, it is possible to walk towards daylight.

Those small steps don’t get the appreciation they deserve. We forget about them or take them for granted. Those little butterfly-flaps of progress get forgotten about in the hurricane winds of life. We don’t see an immediate effect so we write them off as futile.

They aren’t.

Little things are the most important things you can do. You may not see an immediate impact, but those small actions will make a difference. You are planting the seeds of habit.

You might not see the flower right away. It may even feel like those steps are making your life more difficult, because they are taking you away from the comfort of what you already know. When the other shore seems so far away, the fear of drowning or getting lost crossing those unknown waters often keeps us in place.

But those small, tentative first strokes,--dipping our toe in the water for the first time, the realization that there is something better out there--those are the most important moments.

To paraphrase the saying, as within, so without.

Change your heart, change your world.

It gets easier with time. The payoff is not always visible right away, but it will be there.

But you won’t get there without those small steps.

Every time you are kind to yourself, you plant a seed.

Every time you are forthcoming instead of holding back or playing games, you plant a seed.

Every time you ask for a phone number, go on a date, or talk to a stranger--regardless of how things ultimately turn out--you plant a seed.

You start to do these things and you are setting the upward spiral into motion. The more honest you are, for example, the more people will be honest with you in return. The more honest people are with you, the more confident you will become in being honest.

Instead of trapping you, the tendency to cycle is setting you free.

Don’t underestimate the power of those small gestures. Celebrate them.

They will take you to a new place.

PRACTICE

What is one small thing you can do RIGHT NOW that will take you closer to the life you want? It doesn’t need to be a large gesture. All it has to be is something it is possible for you to do at this moment. How would it feel to do that thing?

Now go ahead. Give it a try.

See what happens.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

The Trick Is To Keep Breathing.

There aren’t a lot of things you can count on in this world, in love or anything else.

Lovers come and go. People change. Even WE change. Things we once wanted, we are no longer interested in. We miss something lost we once took for granted.

But as long as there’s life, there’s breath.

Remember that always.

Get this song stuck in your head if you have to.

When you’re deliriously happy, you can breathe. When your heart is broken, breathe. Angry? Exhausted? Overwhelmed? At peace? Keep breathing.

Whether you’re in bed alone, or pressed against the one you love, you can always breathe.

Breathe in love. Breathe out love.

Take in love. Let it out to others.

Above all, stay with your breath.

It will always be there with you.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

PRACTICE

For the rest of the week, practice paying attention to your breath. Take a few moments when you wake up and before you go to bed to do this. Throughout the day, remember to breathe, even when strong emotions are coming up.

Feel free to share what you notice.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

The Heart Way Meeting Support Group

The Heart Way is a support group for anyone looking to improve their love life. Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday, October 5

WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room - Edmonton

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

How Comfortable Are You With Touching? Being Touched?

The reason I ask is because for me, it took me a while. I would refuse most human contact. I was uncomfortable with it and the only reason I started hugging was because my sister-in-law wouldn’t take no for an answer.

If you are such a person, it’s okay. All of us have different comfort levels.

That said, I’ve learned touching and being touched is one of life’s pleasures.

If you’re ready to start exploring it, try the Practices below. You can do whichever ones you are comfortable with in whatever order you like. Take as much or as little time as you need. I’d encourage you err on the side of slowness. It's hard to feel comfortable if you're rushing yourself.

PRACTICE:

1 - Over the next few days, consider your attitude towards touching and being touched. Are there certain people you enjoy touching or being touched by? Are there people you don’t want to touch or be touched by no matter what? What is the difference?

2 - Pay attention to sensations when you handle things. What does your fork feel like when you eat dinner? How do different door handles feel? Pay attention to everything you touch over the course of a day. Experiment with the way you touch or hold things. What do you notice?

3 - Touch yourself. Anywhere you like. However you like. Experiment with different amounts of pressure or types of touch. What do you feel?

4 - Get permission to practice on a partner. Touch them in different ways and see what happens. Ask them to touch you. What do you notice?

5 - Are there ways you can incorporate more physical contact into your daily life?

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Gone Fishin'

Off to Seattle. Posting will resume next week.

Do good things for yourselves while I'm gone, kay?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

The Heart Way Meeting Updates.

Thanks to all who attended the meeting yesterday.

The next two Heart Way meetings are October 5 and November 9. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com for information.

Right now my biggest challenge with the group is promotion, which requires time and/or money. At this point we don't have enough donations to advertise beyond free sites like kajiji and Craigslist.

On the other hand, word of mouth is an excellent form of promotion.

The Heart Way is a support group for anyone looking to improve their love life. Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

So if you know someone who might be interested in attending, I'd appreciate it if you could point them towards this site.

Thank you so much.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

You Don't Have To Do All The Work

When I volunteered on the Distress Line, I found myself getting frustrated with a caller who didn't seem to want to be helped. A veteran supervisor reminded me, "You should never be working harder than the caller. You shouldn't be expected to do all the work."

That applies to dating and relationships too. You should never be expected to put in more than the other person. It's a two-way street.

A lot of guys and gals are doing everything they can to get somebody to like them (a futile goal, in my opinion) and then are upset when things don't work out.

"Maybe if I was a better conversationalist..."

"Maybe if I asked for her phone number sooner...or later..."

"Maybe if I give him more space.."

I love that people are doing the best they can. But it's equally important to remember that if things aren't working it's not always your fault.

Furthermore, there's a danger in doing too much. Either the other person takes you for granted or feels awkward with all the work you're doing or you get resentful.

Relationships should always be balanced. You should be putting in roughly what you're getting out. You should be getting out roughly what you're putting into it.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Last Call To Sign Up

If you're in the Edmonton area, the next Heart Way meeting is this upcoming Tuesday at 7pm at the program room of the Woodcroft Public Library.

This month's theme is 'courage.'

Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.