Sunday, October 31, 2010

Diary Of A Gateway Boyfriend: Halloween Post



Saw a 4 year old dressed as a firefighter this halloween. Which was appropriate because his mom was SMOKIN'

Lines like these are why I'm the Gateway Boyfriend, folks. Do not try this kind of awesomeness at home.

In other news, my girlfriend has decided next year she wants a dog costume with black robes, a powdered wig and a gavel so she can go as a "judgmental bitch."

She's also pretty awesome.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Next Heart Way Meeting (FINAL MEETING OF 2010)



The Heart Way is a support group for anyone looking to improve their love life. Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday, November 9
WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room - Edmonton

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Practice: I Want Candy




A good part of relationships with other people is learning to express what you want.

There are different ways to do this.

Let’s say for example, you wanted some candy. How many ways can you think of to express your desire.

“I want candy.”

“Is that candy over there?”

“I’m in the mood for something sweet.”

“May I have some candy?”

“I’d love some candy.”

“Is there anything unhealthy to eat around here?”

“Does anybody have candy?”

“I’d love to share some candy with you.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Let’s get some candy.”

“What does a person have to do in this joint to get some candy?”

“Gimme some candy, sugar.”

What other ways can you find? Take some of the results into your own life by experimenting with different ways of expressing yourself . What do you notice?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Why Did I Create The Heart Way Support Group?

The final Heart Way meeting of 2010 is Tuesday, November 9.

A few people have asked me why I started the group.

Good question. The answer is stunningly unsurprising.

It started because of a girl.

In December of 09, I had a hard break-up. I’ll spare the details. They aren‘t all that exciting or dramatic. It was a break-up--no worse (and in some ways a lot better) than any other, but for whatever reason it hit me harder than most.

I don’t know why I had such a hard time after the break-up, and maybe I never will. Grief is funny like that, I‘ve learned. It never quite hits you the way you expect at the time you expect.

This one was a bad one. I was prepared for the emotions, but not the intensity of them or the way they would come out of nowhere like a storm out of clear blue sky, swamping me just when I thought I had made it to still waters.

It was the most excruciating few months of my life.

Yet in another way, it was also one of the best.

Because in that time, a time in which I felt unable to help myself, people were there for me. Friends and family. Co-workers. Lovers past and present. Even complete strangers.

It was humbling. I had nothing to offer them in return…and still they were there.

The Heart Way is my opportunity to give something back, to be there for others the way others were there for me.

It’s a chance to be in the room with other folks, men and women, young and old. Single, married, divorced, widowed, or anything in between. It’s a chance to look into another person’s eyes, to hear their voice, maybe feel their hand on your shoulder and realize that we have more in common that we might at first think.

I don’t care if one person shows up. I don’t care if twenty people show up.

If nobody shows up...that’s fine too.

For me, in some ways, who comes isn’t the point. The point is being there.

I believe everybody deserves a happy romantic life. And I will do my part to help.

Next meeting is November 9 at Woodcroft library.

My email is thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com

If you need somebody, that’s where I will be.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

BS Dating Advice: “You’re Trying Too Hard.”




According to popular wisdom, there is no dating sin more heinous than the dreaded Trying-Too-Hard.

If that’s true, then I was a textbook case.

I went out at least once a day, determined to talk to strangers. I made little missions for myself: Pay a compliment to the first five attractive women I saw. Learn more about fashion and go shopping twice a month. Try new foods. Travel. Message ladies on the internet. Do something new and just a little bit uncomfortable.

And the biggest thing of all…

“If you have nothing better to do, go out.”

I have mixed feelings about the trying-too-hard Dan from those days. I look back on him with a mixture of admiration and embarrassment. I cringe remembering some of the things he did, but if he hadn’t been brave enough to try, I wouldn’t be who I am now.

As it happens, I like the man I‘ve become.

The women seem to like him too. I’ve had more success with women in the last five years than the previous thirty and change combined.

If I had to point to one thing that made the difference it would be that I made a point of doing at least one thing each day that took me in the direction of where I wanted to go.

Not reading about doing things. Not talking to others about how I was going to change.

But doing something.

I didn’t get results right away. Sometimes when I DID get results, they were the kind of results that let me know in no uncertain terms “never do that again.” And sometimes the results I got seemed to have no connection to the changes I was making.

Yes, there were times I tried too hard. It took me a while to learn when to push and when to dial back and let life come to me.

But, especially if you’re just starting out, there is something worse out there than trying too hard.

Not trying at all.

People ask what they have to do to achieve success in dating.

I say, it doesn’t matter so long as you’re doing something.

You don’t need to be obsessive over it to the point of creeping people out or letting it take over your life, but consistent effort will pay off over time.

Trust me. I would know.

PRACTICE

What is one thing you can do RIGHT NOW to make yourself feel like you are a step towards being the person you want to be? It doesn’t have to be a big thing, but it does have to be something you can do immediately. It can be as big as making a phone call you’ve been putting off or as small as making your bed or doing a set of push-ups.

Do this Practice every day. Notice how you feel.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Friday, October 15, 2010

A Reminder

I often forget to say something important.

I am a support for people who aren’t where they want to be in their relationships. They’re going through a break-up. They’re having trouble hooking up. Or something in their current relationship isn’t going as well as it should.

I am constantly writing about and hearing about problems.

What I often forget to talk about are the times when everything is fine.

Which is a shame, because the good times deserve as much attention as the challenging ones. Perhaps more, because they are so often taken for granted.

Those transcendent moments aren’t predictable. You don’t know when they come or how long they will last. Sometimes you’ll have weeks of bliss. Other times, it’s just a fraction of a second.

There are the ones that happen in context of dating. Holding hands . Seeing the way she looks at you. Even exchanging a smile with a stranger and that flash of connection.

But they can happen even if you don’t yet have the life you want. Maybe you’re single and not exactly loving it. Perhaps you’re struggling to get over a break-up. You may be asking yourself questions about the relationship you‘re currently in.

Yet even when we feel we‘re drowning, we still find slivers of breath. A stranger does us an unexpected kindness. A phone call of support from a friend. Even something as small as a good meal, a piece of music, or just an unexplained moment where you find yourself thinking, You know what? Things are okay. Things are exactly as they should be.

Those moments are real, and they are to be treasured. Drink them in.

Remember them. Give them the attention they deserve.

I will try to do the same.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

COMING SOON: Another installment of BS Dating advice and a big question answered about the Heart Way Support Group.

Have A Great Weekend

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Paging Dr. Love




The first step in medicine is diagnosis. There is a lot of medicine in the world, but medicine only works if it is applied in the right way and the right amount for the right problem. Removing an appendix won’t help if the problem is heart disease.

In the same way, the better you are at accurately diagnosing where the problems are in your love life, the more likely it is you can strengthen things for yourself.

Take this statement. “I can’t meet any good guys/women.”

Is the problem a lack of guys/women or is the problem a lack of GOOD guys/women? If it’s the former, the solution is to meet more people. If it’s the latter, there could be a number of things going on from unrealistic expectations to the way the person is going about dating.

But maybe that isn’t what’s going on either. What if the problem is “MEETING.’ Is the person seeing people they like but too shy to approach them? Are they working an odd schedule or living in an area where there are simply not enough available candidates of the preferred sex to go around?

Or maybe none of those things is the problem. Maybe the person just believes the statement “I can’t meet any good guys/women” so whole-heartedly that they aren’t able to see evidence to the contrary when it’s right in front of their face.

Now, it doesn’t really matter what the problem is. Everyone has problems. The specific challenge that shows up in your life isn't a reflection of your worth as a person. It's simply the hand you've been dealt.

There is nothing wrong with you for having problems. Problems are not a big deal. We don’t focus on them so we can beat ourselves up or pass judgement. We focus on them because we need to know the situation before we take steps to address it.

PRACTICE

Take a look at the following statements. Come up with as many different possible diagnoses and a possible remedy for each.

- I’d ask her out, but I don’t know how.

- Our relationship isn’t the same as it used to be.

-I need him to show how much he loves me.


What did you notice?

Now take a problem from your own romantic life and give it the same treatment. Has your perspective changed? If so, how?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Gratitude

This weekend is Canadian thanksgiving, and since I am Canadian, I will be stuffing myself with Canadian turkey while watching American football tomorrow.

As a kid, thanksgiving wasn't much of a holiday. Not compared to Halloween (which had candy), my birthday (which had presents), or Christmas (which had candy AND presents).

Nowadays, I appreciate Thanksgiving more.

A day devoted to gratitude?

That's something I can get behind.

PRACTICE

What are you grateful for? Are there ways you can show that gratitude in the way you live your life?

Give it a try and see what happens.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Heart Way Meeting Update

I announced this at the meeting, but for those of you weren't there.

November 9 will be the last Heart Way meeting of the year.

You can still reach me by email at thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com should anything come up for you.

Blog postings shall continue on the regular schedule.

See you in the New Year

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

An Open Letter to Someone Who Has Been Through A Break-Up



How are you doing?

Surprising how much it still hurts, isn’t it? You thought you’d be over it by now. You believe you should be over it by now.

That isn’t how it works, I’m sad to say. You don’t get to decide when it's over.

I remember my last break-up. I gave myself two weeks to get better. It took a lot longer. They pissed me off, those emotions. Not the fact they were there, but that they kept coming back long after I decided it was high time they were on their way.

Every hour my feelings changed. Everything whipsawed back and forth. I was angry at her. Then I was angry at myself. I knew what happened and how I could have made things better. Thirty minutes later, I had another emotion, another story, another way things would have been different if only I‘d...

Ah, yes. Memories.

I’d tell you that these things make us stronger, that they force us to face things in ourselves. I’d be right, but that probably isn’t what you want to hear right now.

So I’ll just say that in some ways--whether you realize it or not--breaking up with someone can be one of the greatest things that will ever happen to you. You will be faced with weakness, yes, but you will also have opportunities to prove to yourself how strong you can be. Those types of opportunities don’t come along every day.

I’ll also tell you that your heart, your mind, and your body are learning from this. You may not realize it now, and you may never realize it consciously, but it is happening. What you learn, however, and how helpful those lessons are in the future is up to you.

There’s some evidence--and I agree with it--that break-ups have a physical component to them, like some kinds of addictions. Even though you know what’s happening in your brain, that doesn’t mean you can control it. Your body craves that other person’s touch, the sound of their voice…you just want to reach out.

Right now you are going through a form of withdrawal. It isn’t an easy thing. There are times--and these are the times I personally find the most challenging--when you are not going to be able to trust your own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they will fool you. At such times you may find yourself wondering if you can ever trust your heart again. This is natural. It is also the time when you most need friends around you. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

Speaking of reaching out, I’d encourage you not to contact the other person any more than you absolutely need to until this emotional storm has passed. I would encourage you to encourage them not to contact you. Some people are better than others about being considerate when ending a relationship. Maybe you will be friends down the road and maybe not. But for now, you owe it to yourself, to them, and any future relationship you have to give yourself the time and space you need to grieve.

Sometimes I think one of the most powerful things about a broken heart is it‘s power to unite us. Democrat and Republican. God-fearing and atheist. Engineer, student, and country and western singer. Feminists and men’s right activists. No matter your culture, your age, your sexual orientation…almost all of us know what it is like to hurt.

I’m not saying this to make your grief feel less important. Right now your pain is the most important thing in the world. No matter what anybody says to you, no matter how guilty or stupid voices in your head are trying to make you feel, give your grief its due.

The reason I’m saying this is to let you know you are not alone.

You are never alone.

No matter how lonely you may feel right now, there are people here for you. They might be friends; they might be family; they might be professionals; they might be perfect strangers.

But they are there for you. I know this because they were there for me.

May peace and sexiness find you.

You, of all beings, deserve it.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Five Days Left...

...until the next Heart Way Meeting.

Tuesday, October 5 at 7:30pm at the Woodcroft Library Program Room.

Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com for details.

Don't Miss Out.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.