How are you doing?
Surprising how much it still hurts, isn’t it? You thought you’d be over it by now. You believe you
should be over it by now.
That isn’t how it works, I’m sad to say. You don’t get to decide when it's over.
I remember my last break-up. I gave myself two weeks to get better. It took a lot longer. They pissed me off, those emotions. Not the fact they were there, but that they kept coming back long after I decided it was high time they were on their way.
Every hour my feelings changed. Everything whipsawed back and forth. I was angry at her. Then I was angry at myself. I knew what happened and how I could have made things better. Thirty minutes later, I had another emotion, another story, another way things would have been different if only I‘d...
Ah, yes. Memories.
I’d tell you that these things make us stronger, that they force us to face things in ourselves. I’d be right, but that probably isn’t what you want to hear right now.
So I’ll just say that in some ways--whether you realize it or not--breaking up with someone can be one of the greatest things that will ever happen to you. You will be faced with weakness, yes, but you will also have opportunities to prove to yourself how strong you can be. Those types of opportunities don’t come along every day.
I’ll also tell you that your heart, your mind, and your body are learning from this. You may not realize it now, and you may never realize it consciously, but it is happening. What you learn, however, and how helpful those lessons are in the future is up to you.
There’s some evidence--and I agree with it--that break-ups have a physical component to them, like some kinds of addictions. Even though you know what’s happening in your brain, that doesn’t mean you can control it. Your body craves that other person’s touch, the sound of their voice…you just want to reach out.
Right now you are going through a form of withdrawal. It isn’t an easy thing. There are times--and these are the times I personally find the most challenging--when you are not going to be able to trust your own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they will fool you. At such times you may find yourself wondering if you can ever trust your heart again. This is natural. It is also the time when you most need friends around you. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
Speaking of reaching out, I’d encourage you not to contact the other person any more than you absolutely need to until this emotional storm has passed. I would encourage you to encourage
them not to contact you. Some people are better than others about being considerate when ending a relationship. Maybe you will be friends down the road and maybe not. But for now, you owe it to yourself, to them, and any future relationship you have to give yourself the time and space you need to grieve.
Sometimes I think one of the most powerful things about a broken heart is it‘s power to unite us. Democrat and Republican. God-fearing and atheist. Engineer, student, and country and western singer. Feminists and men’s right activists. No matter your culture, your age, your sexual orientation…almost all of us know what it is like to hurt.
I’m not saying this to make your grief feel less important. Right now your pain is the most important thing in the world. No matter what anybody says to you, no matter how guilty or stupid voices in your head are trying to make you feel, give your grief its due.
The reason I’m saying this is to let you know you are not alone.
You are never alone.
No matter how lonely you may feel right now, there are people here for you. They might be friends; they might be family; they might be professionals; they might be perfect strangers.
But they are there for you. I know this because they were there for me.
May peace and sexiness find you.
You, of all beings, deserve it.
-May All Beings Be Sexy
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