Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Creepiness Conundrum (Part 2): The Four Horsemen of the Creepapocalypse




In Part 1 we talked about creepiness in general terms. Today we’re going to address the dreaded Four Horsemen of the Creepocalypse:

1 - Hidden Agenda
2 - Uncomfortable with him/herself and/or others
3 - Doesn’t treat others like people.
4 - Socially Inappropriate


In my experience, every Accidental Creep does one or more of these things, and they contribute directly to the creepy vibe. Solve these, and you'll be on the right track.

Let’s look at each piece in more detail and consider ways to counteract them.

1 - Hidden agenda. Other people are getting the vibe that you want something from them but you aren’t making it clear what it is.

ANTIDOTE: Be genuine. If you’re talking to her because you want to know more about her, say so. If you want to know how he really feels about something, ask him. There’s nothing wrong with starting off with a little small talk for social lubricant, but at a certain point, if you don’t cut to the chase, things get awkward.


2 - Uncomfortable with him/herself. Another way of putting this is ‘you’re as creepy as you feel.‘ Emotions are contagious. If you’re uncomfortable with yourself, other people will be uncomfortable around you.

ANTIDOTE: Become comfortable with yourself. This doesn’t happen overnight. Often the first step is to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Let people know you’re feeling nervous or awkward. The emotions that cause the most danger are the unexpressed ones, the ones that everyone feels but nobody talks about. On the other hand, walking around thinking to yourself 'don't be creepy, don't be creepy, oh crap, I'm being creepy" will definitely give you an odd vibe. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want

3 - Doesn’t treat others like people. People get the idea you don’t see them for who they are. Sometimes this means you may come off being manipulative or seeing people as a means to an end. Other times it can be more subtle, such as the man who sees a woman as a princess on a pedestal or the woman who believes her man is someone to be fixed. In both cases they are seeing the other person as a player in their own drama instead of who they are. Even if they get a good role, they still want to be more than a character in your personal story.

ANTIDOTE: Remember people are not a means to an end. Nobody owes you sex or a relationship. Interact with people for the people they are, not for the people you want them to be.


4 - Socially inappropriate. You are behaving in ways that don’t make sense in the context of the situation or that go against basic social conventions.

ANTIDOTE: The short answer is, well, to be socially appropriate--easy to say, but not so easy to do. Ways to learn social skills include doing some research, learning from others, paying attention to other people‘s reactions when you say or do certain things, and practice, practice, practice. Be aware that some people can get away with more than others in social situations. Knowing yourself and the vibe you give off is your friend here.

BONUS ANTIDOTE: If you realize you’ve said or done something inappropriate, calling yourself out on it can be a good way of breaking the tension. Most of us know what it’s like to make a social gaffe and are willing to be forgiving. Saying something as simple as “Wow, that did not come out the way I wanted it to at all,” can go a long way.

Notice that these four things are linked. As you become more comfortable with yourself, you will be less likely to hide your agenda. As you become more genuine with telling people what you want, the more comfortable with yourself you will become. Learning to express yourself in a socially appropriate way will make it easier to talk about what you want from others while still treating them as human beings.

The bottom line is being a) genuine and b) accepting of yourself and others. As you make progress on those two fronts, you might still hear the hoofbeats of the Four Horsemen of the Creepocalypse…but you will hear them becoming more and more faint as they ride further and further away.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Creepiness Conundrum (Part 1): The Accidental Creep




I am fascinated by the label ‘creepy.’

Mostly I am fascinated by the Accidental Creeps in our midst: the decent people with good intentions that come off the wrong way.

I know a guy like this and it bugs me. He’s good-looking, well-dressed, loyal. But something about him causes people’s hairs to stand up. I can’t figure it out.

It’s hard to explain a feeling. And that’s what’s so frustrating about ‘good-faith creepiness.’ I don’t know why he give off the vibe he does. But it’s unmistakeable.

Creepiness seems to be mostly a male problem. I don’t know if it’s because women are better at being not-creepy or if we guys don’t have as finally tuned creep-radars. I’ve met creepy women, but they are unquestionably a distinct minority.

Other things I’ve noticed:

- Creepiness is often in the eye of the beholder. Some people seem to have more sensitive creep radars than other. Which to me, leads to the big tragedy of Accidental Creepers…

- A lot of creepy people don’t realize they’re being creepy. They aren’t trying to weird people out. In fact, often they have good intentions. But it happens anyway.

- There is a stigma around the word ‘creepy.’ Sometimes it's used deliberately to insult someone. But when it isn‘t, the stigma around the word means both the creepy and the creeped are often reluctant to address the subject. It’s awkward to tell someone their behavior is putting you off. But that’s the one person who most needs to know. Similarly, when the word is used to describe us, it’s hard not to react defensively or take it personally.

- Creepiness is situation specific. That is, people who don’t generally come off as creepy can give off creepy-vibe in some circumstances. Similarly, folks who often come off as creepy don’t ALWAYS come off creepy.

To me, that’s a hopeful sign.

Yes, it’s a downer to realize all of us are capable of being creepy (sometimes even without realizing it), but it also means that creepy is something people do not something that people are. Maybe it will help us move away from using the label carelessly. It might also help those of us who have had the word thrown at us keep from taking it as a reflection on us as a person.

In the end though, as with everything the power is in our hands. No one will do it for us.

Which is why in Part 2 of the Creepiness Conundrum we’re going to look at some of the behaviors that result in creepiness and antidotes to them. In the meantime, consider trying the following Practice.

PRACTICE
1 - Think about what makes a person creepy. Think of specific instances where you have been creeped out by someone else‘s behavior. How did you react? What specifically made the situation awkward? What could have made things turn out differently?

2 - Think of a time when you creeped somebody out. What happened there? Did you realize what was going on at the time? How did you feel when you realized you were being creepy? Who else was there? How did they react? How did you feel?

3 - Are there times in your life when you have felt like you were being creepy even though no one else commented on it? What were the circumstances?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Love Whether You Feel Like It Or Not



My longest relationship (so far) has lasted ten months--and not even ten consecutive months at that. So take this posting with a grain of salt.

That said, in those relationships, there have been moments when I was overcome with boredom, frustration, or a nameless, but powerful feeling called This Relationship Can Never Work I Have To Get Out Of Here Right Now.

Sometimes those feelings came up for a reason: things weren’t working out. But this isn’t about those times.

I’m talking about a perfectly functional relationship in which I was perfectly happy in which all of a sudden, I felt like there was something wrong with it even though there wasn‘t.

I used to conclude from those feelings that I wasn’t with the right person. That was before I noticed that those feelings came up with EVERY woman.

I don’t know if this happens to everyone. I suspect it does happen to a lot of people. It might not happen as soon or as strongly as it does with me, but sooner or later it seems like many couples I know get to a point where one partner feels something that worries them from boredom to a vague sense of something lacking to Oh My God S/He's Smothering Me I Can't Take It Any More!

We don’t like this feelings. We don’t want to feel this feeling. We think we SHOULDN”T be feeling this feeling.

If this has happened to you or to your partner, there is nothing wrong with you. We have talked at length in other postings about how feelings come and go whether you want them or not.

The only question to be answered is, what do you want to do about it?

My opinion is love isn’t just something you feel; it’s also something you do.

And sometimes loving someone means loving them whether you feel like it or not.

It takes effort to overcome that inertia. When you’re feeling bored, uncertain, or lacking, it’s hard to offer love to someone.

But sometimes that’s exactly what you need to do.

If you want to feel loving and passionate, it helps to do loving and passionate things.

It’s tempting to wait for the other person to do something first to ‘earn’ love, but that puts you on the road to a conditional relationship (I only do X if s/he does Y) and those suckers are unstable.

Besides, you have no control over what someone else does. You can control what you do though, and often all it takes is somebody to go first to start the upward spiral.

If you’re tired after work and want nothing more than to fall into bed, make yourself stop and pick up flowers. If you’re running late in the morning, take a moment to be a bit later by leaving them a note telling them what they mean to you. Fool around a little, even when you don’t think you’re in the mood. You might be surprised to discover you ARE in the mood after all.

Love comes from love. Get into the habit of sowing it and you will be delighted at what you reap.

PRACTICE
The next time you’re feeling unloved or alone, do something loving for somebody else. Call a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Take the time to appreciate a partner, family member, or even a co-worker or strangers. See what happens and notice how you feel afterwards.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The People That Believe In Us

There are people out there who believe in you.

They might be friends or family. They may be acquaintances or even strangers. It’s likely you haven’t met some of them yet.

But they’re out there.

You are going to need those people. They will help you. They will support you. They will be there in the darkest times.

Remember them.

PRACTICE

Make a list of the people you can count on. Make a point of getting in touch with everyone on that list and letting them know what they mean to you.

It’s possible that there are people out there who don’t have anyone who believes in them. I’d like to take this moment to say I believe in you. So put my name down. Email me if you don't believe me.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Link

Good article here.

It's mostly aimed at men, but women can get some good stuff out of it too.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Been Rejected Lately?

Been rejected lately?

Congratulations.

Rejection sucks, but there’s one great thing about it.

Being rejected means you’re putting yourself out there.

Way to go.

Keep it up. You're well on your way.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Mountain



Sometimes it’s like travelling a road that winds around a mountain.

There are moments it feels like you’re going in circles. You look over see the same scenery.

What‘s going on? you ask yourself. I thought I was past this part. I’m walking and walking, but not getting anywhere.

Look again.

The path winds around the mountain, but it is also going upward. Sure each time you come around, the scenery looks similar, but if you pay close attention, you’ll notice you’re seeing it from a slightly different angle.

Sometimes you come around to the same scenery. Sometimes you may find yourself cut off and needing to backtrack or descend before you start moving up again.

It doesn’t matter. That’s still progress.

Keep climbing.

There are a lot of us on this mountain and we all need each other.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Self-Taught Lover: How To Teach Yourself To Be Awesome At Sex




“Oh man,” a girlfriend once told me, “I wish I had a penis.”

Perhaps a little context is in order. Allow me to provide some.

We were talking about sex. I had just finished informing her on interesting things about erection, ejaculation, and orgasm and how unlike both love and marriage and a horse and carriage, it is indeed possible to have one (or even two) of the three without the other.

A man can ejaculate without feeling an orgasm. He can also orgasm without an erection. Less common is the ability to have an orgasm without ejaculating, but it's happened to me and others.

She didn’t know those things. Which isn’t a reflection on her at all.

Good sex requires both education and experience.

Unfortunately, education and experience aren’t as easy to come by as you might think. There’s a lot of misinformation out there and even the good books often leave things out. All of this makes education harder.

Similarly, experience doesn’t come just from a lot of sex. You also have to be willing to experiment, to pay attention to your partner and yourself, to notice what is working and what isn‘t, and be willing to admit you don’t know everything.

Oh yeah, and you have to be able to communicate.

It sounds like an awful lot of work. But it isn't, because it's also a lot of fun.

If you aren't having fun, nothing above will help you. If you're having trouble enjoying sex, drop everything and just focus on having a good time before worrying about anything I talked about above.

And if you find yourself constantly not enjoying sex...well there are a lot of reasons people can have trouble with sex from problems in the relationship, past trauma, health problems or...well, anything. It's relatively common, but it won't get better until you stop and take a look at what's happening in your life.

Most people don’t know as much about sex as they think they do. For me, the more I learn, the more I discover I don't know.

But I keep learning, although in fairness, I’m a giant nerd about sex, dating, and relationships. Of course, I’ve found being a giant nerd about such things has paid off immeasurably in my personal life.

You might not have the information yet. You might not have the right experience.

But you can have the right attitude--a desire to find out what works for you and your partner(s) present and future, a willingness not to put too much pressure on yourself, and, oh yeah, that having fun thing we talked about earlier.

Once you’ve got that attitude a lot of the rest falls into place--whether you have a penis or not.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.