Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Suck Rule

(this is a re-edit of a Suicide Girls article that was a re-edit of a Hot Chicks & Strangers post. It pays to recycle)

I have to confess something...

There are times I get dumped.

It's important you know this. If you're going to take my advice as an alleged "dating expert," you should know where my expertise ends. When it comes to making relationships work, your guess is as good as mine.

When it comes to dating though, I gots me some Mad Game.

Well, I used to anyway. Months of domestic bliss seems to have dulled the edge.

Whatever your situation, it’s a shock to the system diving back into the dating pool, after an extended period of time in the relationships hot tub. The skills required to maintain a relationship and the ones required to start a new one are very different.

One of the things you get used to in a relationship is the emotional stability. Even the drama has a familiar rhythm to it, like the lyrics to a Katy Perry song (*). Dating is like riding a roller coaster blindfolded. If you aren't careful your self-esteem can go through all sorts of peaks and valleys and loop-de-loops...and you never know what's around the next curve.

I call this emotional whiplash the I RULE/I SUCK syndrome.

"The Hottest Guy/Girl Ever gave me her phone number--I RULE!"_

"My friend is flirting with cuties, and I can't even find the ability to open my mouth--I SUCK!"

"I kissed a girl and I liked it--I RULE!"

"Except, now she won't phone me back. Apparently her boyfriend DID mind it. That's okay, I can call her. Maybe tomorrow, or maybe when I know she's at work so I can leave a carefully rehearsed message. Except it's already been a week, so she's probably forgotten about me and I probably didn't like her that much anyway...I SUCK!"

Riding the "I Rule/I Suck" mechanical bull is a great way to get the adrenaline going. The I SUCK moments are devastating but those I RULE! moments...what a high.

Unfortunately, it's not very healthy.

We have no control over whether or not someone likes us or gives us their phone number or phones us back when we call. Whether you're new to the dating world, a regular citizen in it, or a return visitor, the song remains the same: Thou Shalt Not Take Things Personally.

There's a myth that success in dating is a reflection of you as a person. It isn't. If you're in the grip of I Rule/I Suck Syndrome, it might be time to take a step back, sit on your honey pot like Pooh Bear, and have a think. It could be a sign you're losing perspective.

You're fine just the way you are, whether you're single, married, divorced, "It's complicated," or anywhere in between. It doesn't matter if you're kissing girls, boys, or your own pillowcase good night.

You're still you, and that person is plenty good enough.

(*) We fight, we break up, we kiss and make-up.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Compliments Of The Gateway Boyfriend

A lot of us aren’t used to taking compliments. We play them down. Sometimes it’s because we aren’t comfortable with them. Other times it’s because we’re worried the other person wants something from us.

But taking a compliment is part of learning how to receive. When someone takes the time to say something nice to you, they are putting themselves out there. We can appreciate that by accepting the compliment without feeling like we have to do anything back.


When you receive a compliment this week, experiment with accepting it. Instead of refusing it, deflecting credit to someone else, or rushing to compliment them back, simply look them in the eyes and say ‘thank you.’

If someone thanks YOU for something, practice simply and warmly looking them in the eyes and saying “you’re welcome.”

Pay attention to how that feels for you. What do you notice?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

BS Dating Advice: The C-Word (`You Just Gotta Be Confident`)

(This article originally appeared on the Suicide Girls website in 2009)

Today we're going to get a little controversial. That's right, we’re going to talk about the C-word.

The C-word gets thrown around a lot. It used to be used mostly among men, but lately, women have started to take it back. It doesn’t sound any better coming from them either.

I’m talking, of course, about the word ‘confidence.’ Being confident is the holy grail of dating advice. “Women love a confident guy.” “If you believe in yourself, the man of your dreams will find you.” "You just need more confidence, Dude."

There are times I’m a fan of stock dating advice, but this is plain unhelpful. If you’re confident, you don’t need to be told. If you aren’t, being told what you lack often leaves you feeling even worse.

Of course, there's always the 'fake it 'til you make it school,' but I've found clever rhymes (Well, kind of clever. Rhyming 'it' with 'it' isn't exactly the height of lyrical sophistication) are a lot easier to say than to put into practice. Besides, pretending to have something you don’t--even if that something is a positive quality--goes against one of my most fundamental secrets to long-term happiness: Always represent yourself honestly.

The truth is, you don‘t need exceptional self-confidence to be successful at dating. Nor do you need to be mysterious, rich, alluring, or even a particularly good-looking. Those things are nice bonuses, but they won’t do you any good without the Big One, the other C-word, the one no one talks about.

That word is Comfort.

To me, comfort has two components--being comfortable with other people and being comfortable with yourself.

Many guys worry about whether or not a woman is attracted to him. But for most women I know, attraction is an ephemeral quality. It comes and goes, arises and fades. Attraction is an untrustworthy accomplice. Believe it or not, a woman doesn’t have to be THAT attracted to you, at least not at first. All she needs is to like you enough to give you a chance.

Comfort, on the other hand…comfort is king.

I‘m not talking about the Just Friends platonic blandness that comes with hesitating too long to make a move or we‘ve-been-going-out-two-years-so-I-don‘t-have-to-make-an-effort-anymore laziness. I’m talking about true comfort, where you feel you can say--or do--anything and you won’t be judged for it. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a one-night stand or the love of a lifetime. Comfort is the doorway to intimacy(*).

How do you make others comfortable? Do you ask them questions about themselves? Do you buzz around them like a hummingbird offering to take coats and mix drinks? Nope, nope and nope. You can do those things if they’re in your nature, but they aren’t the secret.

The secret to making people around you comfortable is to be comfortable with yourself. That doesn‘t mean having an unwavering belief in your own awesomeness. Nor does it mean refusing to accept feedback or change your behavior. It just means being okay with where you are and whatever you happen to be feeling.

Confidence is unreliable. It comes and goes. But you can always be comfortable. Even in times of uncertainty, you can be at ease with feeling unsure.

If you’re confident, be confident. If you’re afraid, be afraid. If you’re angry at yourself or fearful…well, embrace those things too. The more at peace you are with different facets of yourself, the easier it is for others to open up to you. They don’t have to worry about hurting your feelings. They can trust you. When you meet the world open and unguarded, those around you can relax and let down their own defenses…and that’s when you crush them like a butterfly beneath a boot-heel.

Ha, ha! That last part was a joke(**). Obviously, the correct course of action would be to sleep with them and never call again until you need help moving or getting back at your significant other. No, wait, that’s not it either…

Look. Your life is your own. Do what you want. But if you truly want to be comfortable with yourself, you might want to avoid making choices that leave you feeling uncomfortable.

It might not be as glamorous as being confident, but sometimes, just feeling okay about yourself is enough.

(*) As an aside, if comfort is the doorway to intimacy, then being judgmental is the dragon at the gates. It isn’t easy to slay that sucker--he has a tendency to rise from death more than Michael Meyers, but if you can do it, you will find yourself in a treasure-house beyond compare.

(**)Unless you’re a character in Dangerous Liaisons or the seneschal of a Vampire Court. Then you do what you gotta do.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

B.S. Dating Advice: Be In The Moment.

Like ‘be yourself,’ this advice isn’t so much bad as it is unhelpful. Whenever I tried to ‘be in the moment’ or ‘live in the now’ or ‘be present’ or whatever other presence buzzword was being thrown my way, I found it was just one more thing to worry about.

“OMG, I’m not in the moment,” I would lament. Or worse, I’d keep asking myelf: "Wait. Am I in the moment? Is this what being the moment is? How about now? How about NOW?”

Being present is supposed to free you, not give you one more thing to stress over.

Besides, moments change. By the time I looked around to see if I was in one moment, the next was already here.

Many of us are used to struggling. We struggle against where we are, who we are, the way things are. And where we’re told there’s another way, we struggle to stop struggling. We stop fighting against the current and start fighting to go with it, not realizing we don’t have to fight at all.

We don’t have to worry about being in the moment.

Because we ARE in the moment.

There’s no place else we can be.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.