Wednesday, June 29, 2011

B.S. Dating Advice: Hook Up With Inexperienced Guys Because They'll Be Too Grateful To Cheat On You

This is a quote from a commenter at Susan Walsh's Hooking Up Smart blog. It's a myth I read about a lot, that guys with fewer options are more faithful than guys with a lot, or as The Unfortunate Rake eloquently puts it:

"Of course a beta male with few options is happy to be getting sex on the regular after marriage. He wasn’t getting laid much before, and certainly not with a variety of hot women. Life is better! On the other hand, the alpha male’s sex life has changed for the worse after marriage — having experienced the pleasures of variety, he actually knows what he is missing, unlike the blissfully ignorant beta male. "

My experience has been the opposite. When I was less sexually experienced I was more vulnerable to temptation because it was the forbidden fruit. Plus I wanted to know what else was out there or what I might be missing. Plus when temptation knocked there was the thought that "I might never get this opportunity again."

Now that I'm more experienced, I KNOW what else is out there. Plus I'm confident in my ability to attract women---if this one doesn't work out there are other women out there...I'm not going to run out.

All this makes it EASIER to be faithful not harder. I've experienced the risks and rewards so I have a more realistic sense of what sex with a new partner can and cannot do for me. I'm also more comfortable with temptation; I'm more familiar with it so I can handle it better than I might have been able to years ago. I've also learned It's a lot easier to find sex with a new partner for me than it is to find someone who I can not only enjoy great and varied sex with, but is also a friend, confidant, and support for me. Now that I have such a person in my life and I know how much it's worth, I'm a lot less willing to put it at risk for something that is relatively easy to get.

I'm not saying inexperienced guys are necessarily unfaithful, and that an experienced partner will never cheat. I'm saying judging someone based on their experience level instead of their character is a sucker's bet.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Monday, June 27, 2011

A Story From The Original Gateway GIRLfriend

Here's a comment from a reader. The woman who posted it is the woman who opened my eyes to the realization that some of us are 'Gateway Boy/Girlfriends.' Without her, this blog probably wouldn't exist, so if you get anything from it, I hope you take a moment to be as grateful to her as I am.

Thanks to Google, the story didn't make it into the comments section but it is too powerful a story not to share.

I hope you take as much from it as I did.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

"As the original gateway gf and no stranger to irony, I thought I would share this latest tale of waning romance. I share this, while my now ex is attempting to reconsile with the girl I caught him with or rather, we discovered each other two weeks ago. It's a pretty complicated situation, but to summarize the more unusual parts, I live in an isolated town and had been seeing this man for several months. The other person in question lives 8 hours away and had no reason to think they even knew each other. She and I hadn't spoken in years, actually. She came to town on a work assignment for two days and without any rational reason to think so, I was convinced they were together before I had even seen her. I didn't discuss my relationship when I saw her, just mentioned I was seeing someone but nothing serious. All the while, I was feeling very insecure and paranoid, even bad for thinking such things for no reason. He denied even seeing her at all. It wasn't until a couple of days later that she discovered me, saying they had been dating for a month now. My reaction? I thanked her for ensuring I'm not in fact going crazy and told her when I had felt they were together I remember thinking to myself that they would make a cute couple.

She and I have become good friends over all this, oddly enough. It still hurts though and he's avoiding me like the plague. This is a much more complicated story than laid out here, but as I'm sure Dan can attest to, hurt is pretty simple no matter how many variables get added..."


Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Cheating




Someone asked me the other day about cheating.

The Gateway Boyfriend doesn’t have an official position on it one way or the other.

The fact is, cheating happens. Not in every relationship, and not every person does it, but it’s common enough that pretending it doesn't happen isn't a tenable position.



Personally, I’ve been on all points of the cheating triangle at various times. I’ve been the cheater, the cheatee, and even the Other Man. I can’t say it’s pleasant experience, but I can also say there is more than one side to every story, and that those experiences taught me not to judge or assign blame.

Being a part of a cheating relationship is destructive, unhealthy, and often, more trouble than its worth. And if you’re the kind of person who values a long-term, stable relationship, knowingly being any point on the Cheating Triangle is selling yourself short.




If you ARE already a point on a Cheating Triangle, it doesn’t make you a bad or worthless person. Cheating is destructive, but you can learn positive things from destructive experiences. Sometimes it’s the impetus for someone to get out of a bad relationship or one that just isn't working any more. Sometimes it’s what makes us realize what we have and motivates us to stay and do better. Sometimes its just the realization that we are tired and aren’t going to live this kind of life anymore.

Cheating is common. I won’t go so far to say it’s normal, but it’s a situation in which a large percentage of people find themselves. I won’t judge anybody for it, whether you're cheater, cheatee, or the person on the sidelines.

But I will tell you this.

It hurts. It hurts others and it hurts ourselves.

Yes, cheating happens. Yes, it can bring you to positive places. Yes, it’s always on the table whether it gets talked about or not.

But even though it’s always on the table, I’d think long and hard before deciding its worth the price.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

(NOTE: There will be no article next week as I will be taking part in a wrestling tour. If you're interested in knowing more about the other things I do, you can check the link here.)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Resentment: Drinking Poison and Hoping the Other Person Dies




“Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.”
-attributed to Carrie Fisher

I watched American History X last night with my girlfriend. It’s a fine movie about racial hatred, anger, and resentment and what it does to a young man and his family.

This isn’t a blog about race, but anger and hate aren’t restricted to race.

You don’t have to go very far to find a lot of anger in the dating world. There are blogs all over the internet chock full of resentment. Women furious with men. Men angry with women. There are women who are resentful of other women. Men can resent the “jerks that get all the girls.” There are a few people out there who are carrying around a lot of hatred towards THEMSELVES.

Some of them have legitimate reasons. I get angry just reading their stories--tales of heartbreak and betrayal, enough lying and cheating for an album of country and western songs, children being used as leverage, financial and legal attacks…it seems like where relationships are concerned, we have a particular gift for finding ways to hurt one another.

Hearing those stories, anger and resentment sounds like a perfectly normal reaction.

Then there are the people who don’t or won’t realize they’re angry. They hide their resentment, claiming that they’re “telling it like it is” or “facing the reality of the situation.” In some cases, there may be a little bit of truth on their side, just enough to justify their position.

The most frightening ones of all are the ones that hide anger under the pretense of something else, sometimes even fooling themselves.

“I LOVE women,” a promiscuous man might say, even as he uses and discards them--secretly hating his conquests for doing exactly what he seduced them into doing.

“I just want you to be the best you can be,” a woman explains, even as she grinds away at her husband with criticism after criticism.

And you know what?

Anger is okay. Resentment is something that comes up. Even hatred…it’s not a good thing, not necessarily, but it would be lying to pretend it isn’t something that comes with being human sometimes.

It’s okay to feel angry, bitter and resentful. Staying that way, on the other hand…to paraphrase a line from American History X: “How has that made your life better?”

Holding grudges takes effort. But for a lot of us, we’re so used to feeding them, we don’t even notice we do it. We pull those grudges out and go over and over them in our mind. We watch a movie or read a story and suddenly it isn’t a movie or a story anymore. It’s a message to us personally about how women (or men) have ruined our lives, how they can never be trusted, how they‘re all the same.

But we can let these things go. It isn’t always easy. And it isn’t always fun--it can be a comfort to have someone to hate--but it is within our power.

In order to do that though, we have to face it. It isn’t pleasant, but it’s doable, and it’s do-able in two simple steps.

1 - Acknowledge your anger

2 - Let it go.

Simple, but not easy. We don’t always want to take that first step. Not all of us like to admit hate or anger or resentment…but it will be there whether we like it or not, and the best way to keep it from festering underground and poisoning us is to bring it up into the light.

Admit to it. Look at it. Above all, let yourself feel it.

Then let it go.

Letting it go does not mean trying to bury it. It doesn’t mean trying to push it away. It doesn’t mean trying to drive it off or compensating for it by being extra extra nice to those you resent.

You don’t have to do anything of those things.

All you need to do is stop holding on to it.

Stop holding onto it and watch it leave all on its own.

PRACTICE

What is your relationship with anger? Is it something to be ashamed of? Something that you must express? Something that takes you over? Do you hide it from yourself? Do you bottle it up? Do you believe your anger is destructive and shameful or do you feel it gives you strength or is morally justified?

Take time to explore these questions. What do you come up with?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.