Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: The Sex Snob

I spent yesterday walking through one of the largest malls in the world, idly thinking about hand-jobs.

I like sex. I like thinking about it. I like talking about it with others. I like having it.And I like it when other people are having and enjoying it too.

So when I walked into the bookstore and saw an entire display shelf packed with 50 Shades of Grey and a bunch of similar novels, I was happy.

I normally mistrust trends, but I'm happy to see erotica right at the front of the store.

As a writer, I'm happy for the authors--it's nice to see writers of erotica get some decent promotion and prime real estate instead of being hidden at the back of the store.

I'm happy because the more this stuff moves into the mainstream, I think the level of acceptance around sex and sexuality will rise.

And I'm happy when I see people pick up the stuff without shame or embarassment. Bookstore or bedroom, there's something sexy about people who are willing to embrace what turns them on.

But I also noticed that a lot of these books are about the extraordinary. Doms. Subs. Rope. Threesomes.

That's fine. But it also makes me think of more humble sexual acts.

It makes me think of the hand-job.


The hand job doesn't get a lot of respect. Stand-up comics make fun of it. Men consider it a not-even-worth-the-drive-I-left-that-shit-behind-in-junior-high low rent cousin to the blow job. Some women don't even consider giving handjobs cheating. It seems like to many of us, it doesn't even count as sex anymore.

Poor hand-job. Lonely. Neglected. A dusty relic of simpler times.

And yet...

The hand job not an easy sexual act to perform well. It requires sensitivtity, adaptability, and responsiveness. Certainly it comes with a much higher degree of difficulty than its hotter, wetter, oral cousin.  I've had a lot of awesome blow-jobs; hand-jobs...let's just say that the number is less than the number of theatrical releases in the Star Wars franchise.

Doesn't that make the hand-job the canary in the coal mine for a woman's sexual enthusiasm? It's an act that a) no man ever asks for and b) is REALLY difficult to do well. So any woman who takes the time the time to master it must be in it for the love of the game, right? Talk about taking pride in one's abilities; that's serious dedication to the craft.

Your thoughts?


Have I become a sex snob? Or worse, a grumpy old sex man?

Kink seems to be growing in popularity these days, and there's a lot of different equipment out there from floggers to paddles to violet wands (actually, those are pretty awesome) to this weird one-person circus tent vaccuum thingee I saw some guy using. Guys are showing off all their toys like the lead guitar player in my old heavy metal band used to show off his guitars. And amps. And pedals.

Maybe it's the purist in me, but I tend to look at all those geegaws with a certain amount of suspicion. Do I look like the Carrot Top of Love? What am I, a sexual prop act? Come on.

Maybe it's a lot of male insecurity here. In previous generations, guys didn't know women could even HAVE orgasms. My generation learned the arts of bringing a woman to climax after luxurious climax, using our fingers our tongue...sometimes even nothing more than the power of our words and our voice.

I thought I was doing pretty good.

Now it's all: Tie me up! Tie me down! Hang me off a bridge! Light me on fire! Smash a watermelon on my chest like Gallagher!

I feel I'm being left behind here.


When it comes to sex, I'm a fan of the fundamentals. Less is more.

Nothing wrong with toys.  Nothing wrong with outfits. Nothing wrong with a little rope or a blindfold. But everything at once...that feels like a waste to me.

Don't focus on the toys. Focus on her.

Use space. Use touch. Use the absence of touch. The less you do, the more meaning you give each moment.

Tease the blindfold. Make a show of letting her see it. Draw it across her skin. Take your time putting it on her. Let her wait a little before the next thing.

Make her ask.

Make her beg.


What's the male counterpart to a hand-job?

We're talking about a basic act that takes finesse, but that most guys don't really have in their repertoire and most women don't really make a priority.

My proposed answer is the dry hump.

It's amazing what you can with nothing more your body weight and some pressure and the movement of your hips.

But like the hand-job, it's a lost and dying art...if it was ever considered an art in the first place as opposed to the excercise in teenage frustration from the high school years.

There are some though, believe in keeping lost arts alive.

Lucky us. Lucky our partners.
-May All Beings Be Sexy

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