I had time this weekend to think about fear in relationships.
One of the most wonderful things about dating and relationships is how much it teaches you about yourself. And sometimes learning about yourself means confronting things about yourself you don't like or even particularly want to see.
Fear. Jealousy. Insecurity. Those are as much a part of people as love and lust and trust. Which means sooner or later you're going to have to deal with them.
Here's my brief, not-completely-thought-out take on the subject.
There is nothing you can do about what your partner does. The choices they make and the consequences of those decisions are their own. You can ask them to change or tell them what will happen if they don't, but otherwise...it's out of your control. If you can't live with their behaviour, break up with them. But their issues are not your problem.
HOWEVER...
the fears, jealousies, insecurities or negative emotions you have around those issues--whether those issues are real or imagined--are YOUR problem. Their level of honesty, for example, is entirely up to them. But if you're afraid they're lying to you...the fear is all yours, whether it's founded or not.
We can't necessarily control what we're afraid of. We can't tell fear to go away or will ourselves not to be possessive, obsessive, or make-a-mess-ive.
But we can give ourselves permission to feel those feelings and really look at them. You don't have to analyze them. You don't have to like them. You just...watch them.
And eventually you learn fear isn't a big deal. It ebbs and flows, rises and passes away, just like everything else. You may even notice that how afraid you are has has no bearing on what actually happens...unless you make the mistake of letting your fear make your decisions for you.
-May All Beings Be Sexy
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