Friday, November 30, 2012

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: Links

Over the last few months I've written a bit about my own emotional journey on my non-Gateway Boyfriend blog. While they aren't specifically about dating, I thought I'd include them in case they prove helpful to someone.

A big part of relationships is taking care of our own inner life. Maybe some of these posts may help trigger some realizations for you.

Depression

Restlessness

Flaws

Sadness

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: The Sex Snob


I
I spent yesterday walking through one of the largest malls in the world, idly thinking about hand-jobs.

I like sex. I like thinking about it. I like talking about it with others. I like having it.And I like it when other people are having and enjoying it too.

So when I walked into the bookstore and saw an entire display shelf packed with 50 Shades of Grey and a bunch of similar novels, I was happy.

I normally mistrust trends, but I'm happy to see erotica right at the front of the store.

As a writer, I'm happy for the authors--it's nice to see writers of erotica get some decent promotion and prime real estate instead of being hidden at the back of the store.

I'm happy because the more this stuff moves into the mainstream, I think the level of acceptance around sex and sexuality will rise.

And I'm happy when I see people pick up the stuff without shame or embarassment. Bookstore or bedroom, there's something sexy about people who are willing to embrace what turns them on.

But I also noticed that a lot of these books are about the extraordinary. Doms. Subs. Rope. Threesomes.

That's fine. But it also makes me think of more humble sexual acts.

It makes me think of the hand-job.

II

The hand job doesn't get a lot of respect. Stand-up comics make fun of it. Men consider it a not-even-worth-the-drive-I-left-that-shit-behind-in-junior-high low rent cousin to the blow job. Some women don't even consider giving handjobs cheating. It seems like to many of us, it doesn't even count as sex anymore.

Poor hand-job. Lonely. Neglected. A dusty relic of simpler times.

And yet...

The hand job not an easy sexual act to perform well. It requires sensitivtity, adaptability, and responsiveness. Certainly it comes with a much higher degree of difficulty than its hotter, wetter, oral cousin.  I've had a lot of awesome blow-jobs; hand-jobs...let's just say that the number is less than the number of theatrical releases in the Star Wars franchise.

Doesn't that make the hand-job the canary in the coal mine for a woman's sexual enthusiasm? It's an act that a) no man ever asks for and b) is REALLY difficult to do well. So any woman who takes the time the time to master it must be in it for the love of the game, right? Talk about taking pride in one's abilities; that's serious dedication to the craft.

Your thoughts?

III

Have I become a sex snob? Or worse, a grumpy old sex man?

Kink seems to be growing in popularity these days, and there's a lot of different equipment out there from floggers to paddles to violet wands (actually, those are pretty awesome) to this weird one-person circus tent vaccuum thingee I saw some guy using. Guys are showing off all their toys like the lead guitar player in my old heavy metal band used to show off his guitars. And amps. And pedals.

Maybe it's the purist in me, but I tend to look at all those geegaws with a certain amount of suspicion. Do I look like the Carrot Top of Love? What am I, a sexual prop act? Come on.



Maybe it's a lot of male insecurity here. In previous generations, guys didn't know women could even HAVE orgasms. My generation learned the arts of bringing a woman to climax after luxurious climax, using our fingers our tongue...sometimes even nothing more than the power of our words and our voice.

I thought I was doing pretty good.

Now it's all: Tie me up! Tie me down! Hang me off a bridge! Light me on fire! Smash a watermelon on my chest like Gallagher!

I feel I'm being left behind here.

IV

When it comes to sex, I'm a fan of the fundamentals. Less is more.

Nothing wrong with toys.  Nothing wrong with outfits. Nothing wrong with a little rope or a blindfold. But everything at once...that feels like a waste to me.

Don't focus on the toys. Focus on her.

Use space. Use touch. Use the absence of touch. The less you do, the more meaning you give each moment.

Tease the blindfold. Make a show of letting her see it. Draw it across her skin. Take your time putting it on her. Let her wait a little before the next thing.

Make her ask.

Make her beg.

V

What's the male counterpart to a hand-job?

We're talking about a basic act that takes finesse, but that most guys don't really have in their repertoire and most women don't really make a priority.

My proposed answer is the dry hump.

It's amazing what you can with nothing more your body weight and some pressure and the movement of your hips.

But like the hand-job, it's a lost and dying art...if it was ever considered an art in the first place as opposed to the excercise in teenage frustration from the high school years.

There are some though, believe in keeping lost arts alive.

Lucky us. Lucky our partners.
-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Thanksgiving Gratitude

“Why do you say she was rejecting you? Maybe she was just telling you the truth.”
-A woman, in bed in the dark

Since it’s American thanksgiving I wanted to take the time to thank all the lovers who have shared parts of their lives with me and helped me discover parts of myself I never knew existed. You’ve shaped me for the better.

Thank you

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Texting Someone After You Break Up With Them

A woman I know is recently went through a break-up. The fellow who broke up with her is now sending her text messages wanting to be friends and offering support.

Here are my thoughts on the subject:

Regardless of what he wants, that is not cool. I know, because I've engaged in similar behaviour about a year ago after initiating a break-up and it did not help things for either of us.

I can't speak for the gentleman in question, but in my case, it was a combination of legitimate concern/affection for her, the ego stroke to my insecurity from feeling like somebody needed me, and wanting to keep the things I enjoyed about her without having to actually give up anything.

But probably 80% of it was based on "Not Wanting To Be The Bad Guy"

All I was doing was making it harder for the other person to move on because I wanted to feel less guilty.

It was also unfair to me. Even though the dump-ee gets most of the sympathy in a break-up, there's a grieving period for the dump-er too. And each time I reached out for the other person instead, I was "interrupting" that grieving period and making it harder for myself.

PRACTICE
What are your beliefs about being in touch with someone after you've broken up? What would make you rethink that policy? What have you done in the past? What were the results of those choices?

Thinking about those things now, what have you learned and what would you do differently in the future?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

ADDENDUM INSPIRED BY CORI'S THOUGHTS (November 26): But you know what? You could also always ASK the person how they would prefer you handle things. You're already breaking up with them. Instead of unilaterally deciding what's best for everybody, maybe there's something to be said for involving them in the process.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

(Editorial) On Theories of Game

It's odd to read the internet these days, especially with regards to 'Theories of Game.' I read about 'alphas' and 'hypergamy' and 'attraction switches' and evolutionary theory.

These things aren't new. They've been around since I first dedicated myself to improving my dating life, long before it occurred to me to write for others.

But when I read about it now, it seems a little different. I get the feeling the people who are writing these things aren't actually dating anyone.

See, a lot of these theories, at least as I experienced them, weren't really intended to be scientific. They were guys going out, trying to meet women, and then trying to explain the results of their observations--sort of like late-night dorm room speculation. We weren't trying to prove anything; we were trying to make sense of what we experienced in the real world.

But now it seems as though a lot of guys have it backwards. Instead of forming theories to fit their observations, they seem to be starting with theory and then trying to shoehorn reality to fit it. Their taking dope-fuelled dorm room speculation and building an ideology around it. And when it doesn't work out, they claim that the theory was right and reality was wrong.

I'll say it again. These theories are NOT supposed to be science. They're supposed to be useful and help enjoy dating and romantic success.

Lately it seems like guys have latched on to these theories as a way of justifying resentment or rationalizing some negative attitudes including Men Giving The Fuck Up or whatever they call themselves.

It's fine to be angry. It's okay to be resentful. There's nothing wrong with deciding to take a break from dating.

I've been there myself. I may not agree with the MRA movement, but there are moments I relate very strongly to what they are feeling.

But trying to build and ideology around resentment, and worse, turning something that was supposed to make guys' lives better into this distorted excuse for hating women leaves me feeling sad, angry, and disillusioned.

When it comes to dating and relationships, there's nothing wrong with theories.

But theory won't help you if it isn't grounded in reality and flexible enough to accomodate actual human behaviour.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: The Haiku Alphabet Project (Y)


Y
We’re young, drunk, lonely
I don’t normally do this
So please don’t tell, K?

Hmm, maybe that should have been under K.

The other option for Y was a little risque.

Anybody got any ideas for Z?

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Myth of the Red Pill



Or not...


I noticed the other day I get a lot of traffic from Susan Walsh's Hooking Up Smart.

Since I've got you in my clutches, I wanted to address a popular misinterpretation that seems to be common on that particular blog, and that is the concept of Red Pill World vs. the world of the Blue Pill.

The Red Pill is an oft-used metaphor on Susan Walsh's blog about "The Way Things Really Are Between Men and Women." It's a land of alpha and beta males, of attraction switches, and sexual marketplaces. They often contrast this with the world of the Blue Pill, which is a view of reality that is based on romantic comedies and idealistic notions of love and faithfulness. The world of the Blue Pill is the world of what we say we want or the way we would like our lives to be as opposed to the way people often behave.

It's important to be careful when "taking the Red Pill."  "Red pill world" might be more real than "blue pill world," but it still isn't reality.

The whole 'pill' system Red OR Blue is a way people make sense of their experiences. But they aren't the experiences themselves.

There's nothing wrong with living in Red Pill or Blue Pill land. The problem is when Red Pill People and Blue Pill People meet.

Two people on the Blue Pill can get along just fine. Two Red pill people...they both know what the score is.

But when people on two different worldview prescriptions come together, hurt feelings ensue.

A more common problem that Red Pill Subscribers run into is they think they're view is the correct view of the world and anything else is just fairy tale nonsense.

They're wrong.

One of the things not many people will tell you (because many of them don't know it themselves) is that the Red Pill is an incomplete representation of reality in a lot of ways. It isn't the end.

People write about reality like its one or the other, like the movie "The Matrix" (hence the pill metaphor).  A more accurate comparison would be with the movie "Inception" with one level stacked upon another, a dream within a dream within a dream. Red Pill Land is in the middle somewhere, but it isn't the end.

One of the many focuses of Red Pill Land is differences. Differences between what people say and what they do, differences between men and women, differences between Alpha and Beta. It can be disenheartening and seem overly adversarial.

But if you can accept it and move past it, you start to enter the next level which focuses on how people are at their core, the same. You start seeing that despite their apparent differences most of us want the same sorts of things, love, acceptance, companionship, that at heart, men and women, alpha and beta, have more similarities than differences. I think we come away feeling less judgmental, more compassionate, and more accepting, not just of others, but of ourselves.

The first level (Blue Pill Land), you learn about people from what they say.

In Red Pill Land you learn about people from what they do.

And on the next level you start to learn about people from who they are.

Anyway, I encourage you and others who are having trouble with what they're seeing to keep plugging away. Contrary to what cynics or people still hopelessly mired in Red Pill Land tell you, there's a lot more out there.

And when you find it, it's worth getting there.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Doctor, The Captain, and Other Blogs.

Hi there,

I'm currently on hiatus, if you didn't realize that already.

If you're looking for a cool relationship blog while you're waiting for me to get back, I encourage you to check out Dr. Nerdlove. He comes at things from a different angle than I do, but I enjoy his approach, especially if you're a shyer or geekier person.


I'm also a big fan of Captain Awkward, although the Captain is not always dealing strictly with romantic advice.

The Pervocracy is also nice for kink/sex-based stuff. While it is not updated as frequently as in the past, I've gotten a lot out of reading older entries and the accompanying comments.

And for you of a more traditional bent, there's always Hooking Up Smart.

As with sex and relationships, I encourage you to experiment and find something that works for you.

Good luck. Hope you are all doing well.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.