The Gateway Boyfriend: Healing For The Heart, From The Heart

A Prayer for the Lonely

2012-02-14T08:45:00.000-08:00

I’m going to be single this Valentine’s Day, and I know I won‘t be the only one.

This one is dedicated all of those who feel lonely and loveless. I know what it is like to feel what you feel.

I’ll tell you what I’ve learned to do in those situations.

I go for a walk.

Often that walk will take me to a small shopping mall close to my apartment. I’ll walk through that mall and pay attention to the people I see.

I might see a teenage couple displaying affection for each other in a fashion highly inappropriate for public situations. I might see a husband and wife in the grocery store. Him pushing a shopping cart, her with her hand on his lower back. Last time I saw a 20-something brunette looking admiringly at her fella. The way she looked up at him and smiled before giving him a kiss…I felt her feeling for him all the way from the yogurt aisle.

Want to see love? It’s all around you. All you need to do is look.

A love that someone else is experiencing is still love. Love isn’t easy and it doesn’t always last. It’s a sad truth that most relationships end. Which makes appreciating it when its there all the more important.

Cherish those happy moments, even if they’re someone else’s moments. It’s still love.

It’s still a candle in the dark.

When I feel lonely, I walk the same mall.

This time I might also see an elderly person sitting alone at a food court. Or an exhausted looking woman sitting on a bench while her three small children shriek and run in all directions at once.

There, I’ll find the end to loneliness I’m looking for.

Loneliness isn’t something that cuts us off from one another. It’s something that brings us together, because it‘s something we share.

We all know what it feels like. Right now, there are people feeling lonely, people I’ve never met. Yet even though they are strangers to me, we are connected by our aloneness.

There are millions of people out there feeling what I am feeling right now.

I might be lonely, but I am far from alone.

-May You Be Sexy

-May You Be Loved

-May You Realize You Are Never Alone

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Takes Me Back To My Bar Days...

2012-02-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

Only not exactly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzJC9OCT0ss

Funny stuff.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Comments on a Blog (Part 2)

2012-02-07T10:56:00.000-08:00

The reason I love reading different perspectives, whether I agree with them or not, is because there are times one of them will really get me to think about something I hadn't considered before.

Today we continue our discussion around some of the issues brought up on the Nice Guy Posts at the No Seriously What About Teh Menz blog.

in the discussion threads, a number of commenters in the threads attempted to make a paralel between Nice Guys and Nice Girls (I believe it is somewhere in this thread).

And here is where someone dropped a bombshell on me.

A commentator named Pocketjacks suggested they weren't really comparable, saying in some ways, Nice Guys were the female equivalent of women who were told that guys didn't want to date them because they were "Strong Independent Women."

That made me stop. And think.

It had never crossed my mind before, but he more I think about it now, the more I believe that in mainstream heterosexual circles, there is a comparison to be made between Strong Independent Women and Nice Guys.

What they share is the sometimes unspoken, sometimes not implication that in order to be romantically succesful nice guys/outspoken women have to supress, change, or fight against what feels like their natural personality. And the Geordian knot is tightened when those same messages mixed in with 'be yourself' rallying cries from all and sundry.

Which, quite frankly, sucks.

There are times I have tried to suppress parts of myself in a relationship.

It didn't make those parts go away.

In some cases, it’s made it harder for me and harder for partner down the road because when they come out, she feels she’s getting something that wasn’t advertised on the package, while I feel the stress of simultaneoulsy wanting to suppress my less-attractive qualities with the desire to be recognized and appreicated for who I am, bad qualities and all.

Playing that game is a no win situation.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself not to make that mistake.

Because the younger me used to believe that getting a steady romantic partner or even just getting laid would somehow make me better or fix me or prove I wasn’t a worthless failure. I’d see people with partners and think they had it better than me and had things all figured out.

That hasn't been the case.

Getting a partner isn’t the same as getting a COMPATIBLE partner and it definitely isn’t the same as KEEPING a partner.

Moreover, although the stressors and joys are different, I haven’t noticed an appreciable difference in personal happiness whether I’m single, in a long term monogamous relationship, or just plain old screwing around. I have the same strengths and the same flaws.

So if there are people like I used to be who used to think there is something wrong with them or everybody knows some magical dating secret that you don’t, I’d really like to emphasize that isn’t true. If you see me walking down the streets holding hands with someone, I might look like I have it all together, but if you could see in my head, you would probably see someone who is probably just as confused as you are.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Comments on a Blog (Part 1)

2012-01-31T12:10:00.000-08:00

I really enjoy this blog, which seems to be a study of men's problems through a feminist lens.

Of particular interest to me was this post. I encourage you to read it (and the three parts that came before it, since it is part four of a four part series), since a lot of what follows is based on my comments on the thread, and it always makes sense to go to the source before reading my commentary.

For those of you who just want the quick and dirty version, the series is on men who call themselves "nice guys" and then complain no women want to date them. Ozy explores the phenomenon and in that particular post suggests the possibility that nice guys put women on pedestals because they don't like women.

I have a different take on pedestalization. I don’t think it always comes from misogyny. I think pedestalization often comes from misinterpreting well-meaning advice like these two paragraphs in Ozy’s article:

“True Nice Guys™, as opposed to stage one Pseudo-Nice Guys who just happen to have a passive dating strategy, seem to regard dating as more or less like ordering something from a vending machine. If you put in the right sum of money and press the right buttons, then a relationship will be dispensed for you. This belief is, of course, incredibly objectifying: you’re not treating the people you might date as people, you’re treating them as objects that function according to a simplistic set of rules.

Nice Guys™ also generally regard people of the appropriate gender as being more-or-less interchangeable. When a boy texts you X, he will always mean Y. Always tease women, because that turns all girls on ever. But in the real world people are different. The most viable seduction tactic for me is to have a four-hour conversation with me, in which you explain to me several things I didn’t already know; the most viable seduction tactic for someone else is going to be dancing all night at a house club, arguing with them about NPR, seeming to be broken and in need of fixing, or wearing eyeliner. You simply cannot reduce the multiplicity of people’s turnons to “women like this and men like that.””

In my experience, a lot of guys see this advice and vow Not To Be That Guy. They're going to treat the Object of Their Affection as different and special. Unfortunately, they sometimes make the leap from "respect each person to “this person is different/special/not-like-other-girls,” and once that kind of thinking starts, we’re well on the road to pedestalization.

It’s a cruel irony that in trying not to objectify someone, we end up doing just that. And it’s equally weird to me, that my most romantically succesful moments HAVEN’T come from treating people as special or different. It’s come from treating them the same way I would treat anybody else.

That doesn't mean misogynists are immune from pedestalizing women.

Sure, it seems illogical to hate women and then put them on a pedestal to be worshipped. But misogynists wouldn't be the first and only people in history to put the thing they hate most at the center of their existence.

The human heart really is an amazing--and contradictory--thing.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Diary Of A Gateway Boyfriend: School Assignment

2012-01-20T16:21:00.000-08:00

As an effort To Serve You better, the Gateway Boyfriend (that's me) has been taking communication classes.

Last night, our homework, should we choose to accept it, was to watch television.

I like this kind of work.

The class was a negotiation class. Our instructions were to watch a televsion program with some interpersonal conflict and identify the issues.

I chose a married couple who travel through time and space accompanying the title character in Dr. Who.

I want to be a couples counsellor for time travellers. Their problems are a lot more interesting for me as a counsellor.

ME: "Let's see Mr. and Mrs. Pond. We've talked for a while and together you've agreed that the four most pressing issues for you to address are: 'Information sharing,' 'Travel,' 'Timing of Rescues,' and...ummm...'Marital Obligations and Romantic Boundary-Setting vis a vis Future Versions of Spouses from Alternate Realities'"

So where would you like to start?"

-May All Beings Make Appropriate Decisions With Future and Alternate Reality Versions of their Partners

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook

Burnout Is Normal

2012-01-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

(originally posted on my Hot Chicks & Strangers blog, this post sees apropos given how sporadically I've been updating this blog as of late)

I think dating burnout happens to most of us at one time or another. Whether you're maintaining a relationship, looking for a new one, or getting out of one, there comes a point where it doesn't seem worth it anymore where you just want to TAKE A FRICKING BREAK.

I think the feeling is normal. So if you get it, don't freak out.

I've been thinking and writing about relationships so long, I hit the wall a little while ago. I got this weird feeling where I don't want to talk about them or experience them or even DEAL with the ones I'm in.

I felt like I was losing my perspective, seeing everything through the lens of relationships.

Relationships don't define you, any more than you're CD collection or job does. They enrich you. You aren't a better or worse person for being single or not single or having a relationship end or go through a rough patch.

It's natural. It's normal. And if you need to take a few seconds or days or weeks to catch your breath, it doesn't make you weak. It makes you human.

You are okay, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

We Have Assumed Control

2011-12-27T10:16:00.001-08:00

One of the big issues--especially in an ongoing relationship--is each person's attitude towards control.

For example, I am a bizarre species of control freak. Whatever is in my control, I want to control completely, and anything out of it, I tend to completely wash my hands of.

Trouble is, sometimes the things I think are out of my control really aren't, which makes me come off as passive.

Or I am so relentless about doing what I set out to do, I become rigid and unspontaneous.

Others view control differently. An example is a person who is terrified of doing anything out of their control. They want to do things their way in their time. They don't want to do anything unless they know EXACTLY how it will turn out.

Needless, to say, this makes it tough in a relationship. Because other people are going to have needs and wants too, and those things are unpredictable.

Other people take their desire for control to the nth degree. Not only do they want to have complete control over their relationships and their lives, they want to have complete control over their inner world.

But our inner world is a messy place. Thoughts and emotions come up without warning. Sometimes we feel contradictory feelings at once or we just don't KNOW what we want.

That sort of thing can be paralyzed if you're the type of person who needs to KNOW.

But you have no control over it.

There are also those people who are terrified to take control of their lives. Maybe they're afraid of what would happen if they took accountability. Possibly, they're afraid of failure.

Possibly they are also afraid of success.

Actually, now that I think of it, ALL these things sound like me, at least some of the time.

But it isn't about me. It isn't about the person you're dating, or the person you want to date or your mother or your father.

It's about you.

How do you feel about control?

Keep in mind, there's no right answer...or if there is, I don't know what it is.

However, if your idea of control isn't compatible with the person you are dating, you will probably have some decisions to make.

It doesn't mean things won't work out (although quite honestly, they may not). It doesn't make either of you bad people. It doesn't mean you have to curl up in a ball in a floor and wish you were a better person and why, why, why can't I do this properly (again, we may be talking about me here).

But your relationship with control will affect your relationship with other human people.

Give it some thought.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-25T20:21:00.001-08:00

Wishing all of you the best for the season in life and love...and all the best for the year ahead.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Planning The First Date

2011-12-20T10:52:00.001-08:00

I was chatting to a friend the other day about first dates, and that reminded me of this article, an earlier version of which appeared on the Hot Chicks & Strangers blog:

One of the thrills of dating is getting a new phone number. For me there’s nothing like the excitement that accompanies seeing seven digits in looping, feminine script written on a scrap of paper or bar napkin.

Of course, the excitement is quickly crushed by a fist of terror. Oh shit. Now I have to CALL her and ask her out. What am I going to do for a date?

The answer I’ve found is this: Nothing special.

The first date is the easiest date you will ever need to plan. I MISS first dates. Especially after, say, six months, when I am banging my head against the wall trying to knock loose an idea for an anniversary or special occasion(*).

I didn’t used to believe first dates were easy. I wanted my first dates to be unique and special. I wanted to do things for the object of my affections that no other guy would do. I wanted to give her the perfect romantic experience, custom-tailored to her unique personality.

Needless to say, I found first dates traumatic.

I was also making a big mistake. I had not yet discovered the first rule of first dates: The date activity should never be more interesting than you are. The purpose of the first date isn’t to have a great date. The purpose of the first date is to introduce yourself and your life the other person so they can decide whether or not they‘re interested in being part of it(**).

This brings us to the second rule of first dates: The less pressure the better. Most people find first dates stressful, whether you‘re the asker or the ask-ee. It‘s a minefield of potential awkwardness. Who pays? What should I wear? How far am I willing to go? Do I like this person? Does this person like me?

The more relaxed you and your date are, the better able you are to get a feel for each other. Anything that leads to anxiety or self-consciousness--either for you or for the other person--is a step in the wrong direction (**).

I have three principles that go into planning a first date.

1 - Simplicity The machine least likely to break down is the one with the fewest moving parts. I don’t want to worry about parking. I don’t want the “Who pays?“ question to become an issue (***). I don’t want either of us feeling awkward because we’re in an unfamiliar situation. I’ve gone so far as to take women grocery shopping on first dates. Not only is it simple, she can learn a lot about me when she sees what sort of stuff I put in my cart, she has a good idea of my lifestyle (also, she won’t be surprised when she catches me eating pie for breakfast).

2 - Direction. The onus is on the asker to have direction for the date. That means knowing about and/or taking care of things like cover charges, reservations, letting the other person know about any specific dress requirements, etc. I also like to have a follow-up activity in mind for if things go well, even if it‘s nothing more elaborate than a walk, browsing a bookstore picking out books for each other, or a frenzied make-out session in the front seat of her Sunfire.

3 - Showcasing my personality. The best way to do this is by asking yourself, is this something I would do even if I wasn’t on a date? One of the reasons I rarely start a relationship with dinner and a movie is because movies and restaurants don’t do much for me. Stand-up comedy and salsa dancing, on the other hand…those things I‘m passionate about, so I‘ll often share them on the first date.

If the things that you are passionate about are relatively involved activities--skydiving, chef at a five-star restaurant--and that’s something you want to showcase on the first date, you can make an exception to the simplicity rule. However, you must remember the less simple an activity is the more direction you will need to provide to your companion (ie: what to wear, etc.) and prepare accordingly.

One of my favorite dates is no date at all. I just invite a woman to join me for my regular daily routine. If at any time one of us is bored or has other things to do, we bid each other a fond farewell. If not…well, my daily routine ends at my place, and if she wants to join me for smooches and Boggle…well, that’s one more way to learn how compatible we are.

It starts with a number on a piece of paper. But there are no limits on where it goes from there. The perfect date means showing them the one thing no other person on this earth can.

Yourself.

(*) This is assuming your date is a stranger. If you are on a date with someone who already knows you, then your focus shifts to showing him/her a side of you they haven’t seen before.

(**)I know some guys who deliberately set out to make a date scary for the girl, because “adrenaline makes people horny,” and truthfully, there‘s some scientific evidence backing up these guys‘ claims. To each their own, I guess.

(***) My solution is to choose a relatively inexpensive activity. That way she can let me pay for her without feeling uncomfortable with how much I’m spending and wondering what she’ll be expected to provide in return. And if it’s important to her that she pay her own way…well, she can do that too without breaking the bank.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Breaking the Cycle of Mistrust

2011-12-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

Lack of trust is a killer in relationships. We’ve talked about ways to become more trusting in previous posts--this one is my favorite. But what do you do when you’re in a relationship with someone who has a hard time trusting?

Well, I can certainly tell you what not to do. It’s a cycle I’ve seen in numerous relationships including one that recently ended in divorce. It goes like this:

One partner has problems with trust. He or she gets suspicious, uncomfortable, or edgy, especially about what his or her counterpart does when she (or he) is not around.

The other partner knows this. Partner Two also does not particularly like dealing with Partner One‘s mistrust, especially over things that he or she deems harmless. Nor does he (or she) like seeing his partner upset or worried.

So Partner Two starts keeping things from Partner One. Maybe Partner Two doesn’t mention going out for drinks after work or omits the name and gender of the friend he went to lunch with. Maybe he doesn’t mention how much he spent on a particular item. Not big things, Partner Two thinks. Just little things, small things that don’t mean anything, but happen to touch on the insecurities or fears of Partner One.

Partner Two convinces himself (for convenience, Partner Two will be a him from here on in, though he doesn’t have to be) that this decision is for everybody’s own good. He isn’t doing anything Really Bad, after all; all he’s doing is not telling Partner One things he knows will upset her.

Partner Two’s heart is in the right place. But he’s setting wheels in motion that may come around to crush him later.

People know when we’re keeping things from them. Even if they don’t, chances are they will find out. And when they do, the Partner Twos of the world are left with the choice of a) explaining why they didn’t tell Partner One what happened in the first place or b) lying.

Neither of these things does wonders for trust.

So Partner One becomes more mistrustful. Partner Two starts keeping more and more secrets. The more secrets there are, the more chances there are for error or discovery. Partner One stumbles across one. Partner Two lies or is forced to explain himself.

And the cycle continues. Onward and downward.

The solution to dealing with a person with trust issues is not to provide them with very good reasons not to trust you.

The best antidote for suspicion and mistrust is almost always truth. The secret to dealing with trust issues is more communication, not less.

Certainly there are things we like to keep to ourselves or that we are professionally or personally bound to keep confidential. Many of us have things about ourselves we like to keep private for reasons of our own. That’s fine.

But watch out for those little things. Be careful of ideas like ‘protecting someone for their own good’ or ‘not wanting to make waves’ or ‘s/he’d be happier not knowing.’ Treat those types of thoughts as a warning signal.

Yes, sometimes telling the truth makes us uncomfortable. Yes, sometimes hearing truth can upset the ones we love.

But truth also builds trust.

It shows us without a doubt that our partners are willing to be honest with us and not just tell us what we want to hear. It makes it easier to trust them.

Telling someone the truth is an act of trust too. You’re telling that person you trust them to be able to handle the truth. You’re showing you have faith in them to overcome the hurts in their past that have led them to find trust difficult.

Truth builds trust. Trust builds trust.

It doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t always come without discomfort. And it doesn’t come with any guarantees--sometimes lies are the only thing keeping a relationship going.

Whether or not that type of relationship SHOULD continue is for the people in it to decide.

Yes, there may well be times when you need to keep something from someone you love.

But you do not want to let it become a habit. This cycle will only bring you resentment, pain, and bitterness.

Truth, no matter how painful, is always better in the long run.

Trust your partner. And then be surprised at how much easier it is for them to trust you back.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Where Oh Where Has The Gateway Boyfriend Gone?

2011-11-29T10:01:00.001-08:00

You may have noticed it has been a couple weeks with no new post.

I am going through some personal upheaval right now. I'm still writing articles (even if I didn't, I still have a backlog ready to go up), but I'm taking the time to re-evaluate things.

The most important thing about this blog is that it remains honest, and that means not just posting articles, but posting articles that feel true to me.

Thank you for your patience.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Review Day

2011-11-15T10:07:00.001-08:00

No new post today.

Instead we're going to review an old one. You can never spend too much time on the fundamentals.

Read this post here.

One of the reasons I'm picking this post in particular is because it's a mistake I recently made...again.

I feel I should have known better.

But it happens. None of us--even Gateway Boyfriends--are perfect, and even though I repeated a mistake or two, there are lots of mistakes I did NOT repeat. In fact, there were times I surprised myself with what I was able to do and which old patterns I was able to break.

That's why it can be so helpful to review things. Knowing something isn't always the same as understanding it, and sometimes going back over something can help us pick out elements we missed the first time.

Give the article a read. If you've already read it, dust it off, and give it another go.

I'll be right there beside you.

-May All Beings Be Sexy.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: The Sex Neurotic

2011-11-08T12:19:00.001-08:00

I’m a big believer in being good in bed.

I want to be the sort of person that leaves my partner a better lover. Even if we grow in different directions, I want her to be able to enjoy sex even more fully with her next partner. I am determined to help every woman I have sex with on this issue, even if it means I have to spend hours and hours having sex with her.

No need to thank me, ladies. Just doing my job.

I am proud of my sexual skills. I trained hard for them. I read books and watched DVDs. I did tongue and lip exercises and practiced going down on my pillow. Eventually, I even had sex with real women, which also helped (*).

I’m wasn’t good all the time. There have been times I’m too rough, times I’ve been too--um--soft, and there’s been at least one memorable moment where in the throes of ecstasy I ground my chin into my partner‘s eye.

With each woman I learned a couple new things. Eventually I had more tricks in my repertoire than a street magician. Hey, look at this! Don’t like it? Try this one. Or THIS! Bet you’ve never seen THAT before. I was doing everything but pulling tied-together silk scarves from my mouth.

You know what else I learned? That having sex with a lot of people doesn’t automatically make you good in bed (I also learned being good in bed doesn’t even make you good in bed). Quality of experience counts for a lot. In other words, it’s less about the amount of horses as it is time in the saddle.

There are people who are actually worse in bed for having slept with a lot of people. Either they‘ve picked up bad habits, or they‘ve had enough bad partners in there that they’ve developed various insecurities and anxieties that make it hard for them to enjoy the experience

Historically, I’ve always gone for sex as soon as I could. I’ve always followed my Three-S Rule when it comes to Doing It with a new partner: I like it Safe, Satisfying, and as Soon as possible. Unlike some guys however, I wasn’t driven by horniness or the relentless ticking of the Beat-The-Friend-Zone Clock as much as insecurity. If she came until her legs spasmed , maybe she’d overlook the fact I was an Enormous Loser That No Woman With Healthy Self-Esteem Could Possibly Love.

Every time a woman told me, “I don’t normally do this,” as she pulled her shirt over her head, I breathed a silent sigh of relief (**). Every minute spent getting her to sing “ooh, baby” like a Stevie Knicks Edge of Seventeen back-up singer, was a minute’s reprieve from her realizing orgasmic bliss was the ONLY spoon in my otherwise-empty relationship cutlery drawer. And if I wasn’t as good as receiving pleasure as I was at giving it…well, who did it hurt ?

The correct answer is ‘me,’ but I didn‘t realize it at the time. It also hurt the women. My reluctance to lie back and let them show their stuff made often left them feeling like they were bad in bed.

Then one day, a woman turned me down.

I could tell she liked me. I was sure she was turned on (How could she not be? I had my MOVE!). With remarkable deftness, she captured my roving hands in hers and banished me to the couch.

The couch! I’m a professional dating expert, by gum. I NEVER get sent to the couch. Who did this woman think she was to resist my charms? Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

The novelty of the situation actually left me kind of charmed. I pulled a comforter over myself rolled over, and went to sleep.

What I didn‘t know was, up above, a drama was being played out in the woman’s mind.

GIRL (upstairs in bed): “I hope he doesn’t come back up here. I like him, but I’m not sure how MUCH I like him, and I‘m not sure how he feels about me setting those boundaries. It would be so awkward to turn him down again if he comes back up. Oh, please God, let him stay downstairs. If he comes back, I don’t know what I would…hey, how come he hasn’t come back yet?

ME: (downstairs on couch): ZZZZZZZZZ

GIRL: (upstairs in bed) Maybe he’s angry with me. That’s probably what happened. He was expecting more and when he didn’t get it, he got upset and left. He’s probably walking home thinking I‘m some frigid crazy person. He’s never going to call me again, which is fine. I’m not really looking for anything serious, and this way I don’t have to worry about hurting him. It’s better for both of us that he went.

DAN (downstairs): ZZZZZZZZ

GIRL: Oh God, I’ll NEVER FIND LOVE!

She tossed and turned; I drooled on her sofa cushion. Like the Sugarhill gang it went on and on until the break of dawn, at which point I had just enough time to register the pitter-patter of running feet before one hund--er, ninety-eight pounds of femininity landed on top of me showering me with kisses.

GIRL: YOU STAYED!!!
DAN: Whaafffzzz?

I guess there might be something to this waiting stuff after all.

(*) I never told the first woman I slept with she was my first until afterwards . Her response when I did? “If I’d known you were a virgin I’d have taken you into the forest before I deflowered you. You owe me a fucking unicorn.”

(**) I‘m not sure if this is because I have sexual super-powers or if some women say this to most guys they take to bed. If it‘s the latter, it‘s a good move. It boosts his ego and protects her reputation, and there’s no way he’ll ever find out because guys are too dumb to get together and compare notes. That being said, I’ve found the amount of time a woman waits before sex and the amount of time she SAYS she waits are two different numbers. Women I’d love to hear your comments on this.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Liking Someone Is Scary...But So Is Being Liked

2011-11-01T10:23:00.001-07:00

Liking somebody is scary.

You feel out of control. All of a sudden, somebody has power over you, and that isn’t an easy thing to accept. I think sometimes this is why it’s so much easier to date someone who likes you more than you like them. The lack of emotional investment gives you control.

But do you know what else is scary?

Being liked.

It’s frightening because you don’t know if you can live up to this person’s expectations. You pull away because you want them to like you and you don‘t want them to find out things about you that might make them change their mind. And of course there are those people out there who don’t think they deserve to be liked in the first place.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Next Week: The Gateway Boyfriend's Quest to Be Good In Bed...and how it nearly drove him crazy.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

A Word--If You Will--About Gratitude

2011-10-25T11:15:00.001-07:00

A clarification, if you will.

Gratitude is a powerful thing, but there is a hidden trap that people sometimes either fall into or are pushed into by people around them.

That trap shows up when we hear--or tell ourselves things--like:

"You should be grateful. There are other people out there who have it a lot worse."

"You're lucky you have someone like me to look after you."

"You should count your blessings. Someone like you doesn't deserve everything you've been getting."

Gratitude is NOT servitude.

We don't want to slip into the kind of gratitude that leaves us feeling like we need to be taken care of, like we're incapable on our own, or that we're lucky because we don't deserve what we're given.

That kind of gratitude erodes who we are, leaving us feeling small and unworthy.

Thanks, but no thanks.

True gratitude makes us feel stronger and more connected to ourselves and those around us. It opens our eyes to the forces on our side--the people around us, our personal strengths, and our fortunate circumstances.

Anything less is a lie.

Questions? Clarifications? The comments section is open for your thoughts.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Got 20 Minutes? -- Help For Shy People

2011-10-18T12:10:00.001-07:00

(An older version of this post originally appeared on the Hot Chicks & Strangers blog)

Shyness around strangers is inconsistent.

Even those of us who are on the quiet side notice times when we're positively chatty...sometimes even around people we don't know. Occasionally, those isolated events are enough to bust through shyness, but frequently the next day, we're back to our usual shy self thinking, "What happened? Yesterday I was able to DO this."

A while ago, I heard about something called the 20 minute rule. The idea is, if you can get yourself talking to people and being social for 20 minutes, after that, you're good for a few hours or until you start doing something that takes you out of "social" mode (reading, watching a show, etc.)

That definitely gibes with my experience. I've noticed that once I start talking to people, subsequent conversations get easier.

I've experimented with the 20 minute rule a number of times, often in the mornings to get myself going. The goal wasn't to get great conversations going. The goal was to break out of my shell, even if it was saying something as simple as "hello" or "good morning." Here are my thoughts:

-The more people I say "good morning" or "Hello" to, the easier it becomes to have longer conversations with strangers...unless I get bored, distracted by a book or magazine, or lost in my own thoughts. Then, depending on how long I let myself get distracted for, I have to start pretty much from scratch.

-20 minutes is a long time in the morning. Saying "good morning" takes half a second. 19:59:48 to go.

-When you talk to strangers, the majority react positively, but you also get people who either ignore you or think you're crazy. Interestingly, how people react doesn't make a difference to how outgoing you feel unless you let yourself 'dwell' on the reaction for any length of time...then you start going into thinking mode instead of talking mode and have to drag yourself back out.

- Thinking about the 20 minute rule gives your brain something to think about instead of the usual "What-if-this-person-doesn't-like-me?" and various other bad things that sometimes swirl through the brain.

All in all, I recommend giving it a try and seeing what happens.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

PRACTICE
Conduct a 20 minute experiment of your own. Take 20 minutes to walk down the street or through a mall and play with saying hello to each person that crosses your path. If the situation seems to call for it, experiment with extending the conversation. How the conversation goes isn't important--the important thing is that you are talking with people. Notice how you feel afterwards and for the rest of the day. What do you notice?

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Communication: Whose Responsibility Is It?

2011-10-04T09:09:00.000-07:00

I’ve spent a lot of time about being able to talk about yourself and what you want. This post is just one example.

Lately, I’ve been thinking there’s more to it than that.

There are two kinds of cultures when it comes to communication--sender cultures and receiver cultures. The difference between them boils down to the answer to a simple question.

When communicating, whose job is it to make sure the message is understood?

In the case of sender cultures, such as the United States, the responsibility falls to the person speaking. It’s up to them to make things clear.

In receiver cultures, Japan, for example, it’s the person hearing the message who is responsible for parsing out what the sender is trying to say.

The sender culture appeals to my love of directness and clarity. The receiver culture appeals to my love of subtlety and the beauty of being able to read between the lines and pick up the unspoken message.

But these ideas don’t just apply to different societies. Often as individuals, we have different ideas about who is responsible for communication happening.

Have any of these ever crossed your mind or lips?

“I shouldn’t have to tell you these things. You should be able to figure them out.”

“No, what I meant was what I SAID. You keep reading all this other stuff into it.”

“I DID tell you. I told you three months ago.”

We’ve talked a lot about the importance of self-disclosure and letting people know what you want. The next step is making sure what you communicated is what the other person actually heard or--if you are the listener--making sure that what you heard is what the speaker intended to say.

Here are a few tips to help you.

If you’re the speaker, check in to see if you are being understood. Some questions you can try.

“Does that make sense?”

“How do you feel about what I just said?”

Another great trick is to ask the other person to repeat back what you’ve said in their own words. I’d use this one sparingly because it can feel awkward or like you’re being patronized, but it does the trick in a pinch, especially if you preface by saying, “I just want to make sure I made myself understandable, can you tell me what you got from what I just said?”

If you’re the listener, well we talk about paraphrase in the Dating for Shy Guys book. I’d encourage you to check it out. The basic concept though is making sure you understand what your partner is telling you by repeating back what they said.

Miscommunications happen all the time. A slip up here and there shouldn’t be the end of the world.

It’s when the slip-ups start to snowball or pile up unnoticed that problems arise. And while we can’t nip all of them in the bud, paying attention to whether the messages we are sending or being said are being properly received can prevent a lot of heartache and frustration down the road.

EXERCISE:

This week, explore listening. Notice in your conversations whether people get what you are saying. Notice also when you are listening the message you get. Do you think this message is the one the speaker intended? Experiment with the tips above and in other articles to improve your ability to conversationally connect with people.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Unrequited Love and the One and Done Solution

2011-09-27T11:42:00.001-07:00

You know what I’ve changed my mind about? Unrequited love.

I used to think the idea of pining away over someone was romantic. Charlie Brown working up the courage to talk to the Red Headed Girl. The girl in the corner of the gym pining over the popular high school quarterback.

Now I see it as a trap. Emotional quicksand hidden under a bed of sweet smelling flowers.

There’s nothing wrong with having a crush on someone. Crushes are fun.

But when that crush turns to romantic obsession....that's when creepiness, resentment, and heartache inevitably ensue.

But I LOVE him (or her), you might tell yourself about this person. We’re perfect for each other.

No, you aren't. You aren’t in love with this person, because You don’t even KNOW them. Sometimes you may not have even spoken to them at all. Other times this person may be someone who considers you a friend. But just because you're friends, doesn't mean you know them in a romantic sense.

The only way to find out if you are romantically compatible with someone is to go out with them.

And by 'go out with them,' I don't mean going out as friends. I mean doing something together where both of you know and accept there are romantic intentions.

So ask them out already.

The longer you go without finding out one way or the other, the more you build this person up in your head. You cut yourself off from other options. You might even convince yourself you HAVE no other options. You think you’re in love, but you aren’t in love with the other person. You’re in love with the person in your mind.

That person doesn’t exist.

Ask them out. And if it doesn’t work out or they aren’t interested, move on.

Because the other problem with ongoing unrequited love is the tendency to keep getting your hopes up. You grasp for any sign, so even the faintest signal you sometimes latch onto as a sign that the two of you are meant to be together or that he or she is seeing you in a new light.

That’s your brain playing tricks.

Don’t think you’re going to wear her (or him) down. It is highly unlikely they will suddenly change their mind, see what a wonderful person you are and what a fool they’ve been for neglecting you this long. What is far more likely to happen is creepiness, unpleasantness, and resentment, especially if you are hiding your feelings from them.

How do you avoid getting trapped in the quicksand of unrequited love?

Allow me to introduce you to the ‘One and Done” method.

If you are attracted to someone, you express interest. You make it clear. You make it non-creepy (and yes, I realize I’m not telling you HOW to do this, but that’s an entire topic of its own. Fortunately, there are posts about it here and here. You may also find this Just Friends article helpful).

You give them one chance. If they make an excuse--ANY excuse--you don’t ask them again. If they go out with you and they “don’t want to ruin your friendship” or “just don’t see you in that way” or anything else, you do not ask them why. You do not try to change their mind or convince them otherwise.

You move on.

One and Done.

But what if they change their mind? I hear you ask.

Then it’s up to them to let you know that. You’ve done your part. The ball is now in the other person’s court.

But don’t hold your breath. As we’ve discussed in the past, while there is always a chance, these things seldom happen.

One and done.

By doing this, you save yourself and the people you care so much about a lot of frustration, anger, and heartbreak.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Driven To--and By--Distraction

2011-09-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

Last week I bought a video game system.

Big mistake.

I fell asleep at one-thirty in the morning last night with electronic gunshots echoing in my head and digital enemies dancing below my closed eyelids. Fortunately, I was wise enough to get most of what I needed done BEFORE I turned on the console, but I still didn’t get to the bank and missed a trip to the comedy club.

There’s nothing wrong with having fun or downtime. In fact, it’s essential to treat yourself. The problem starts when those ‘rewards’ or little distractions keep you from the life you want or from being the person you want to be.

I know a handsome, likeable, single young man who fully intends to find himself a girlfriend. But every day after work, he plops himself down in front of the television until bed time, even though he doesn’t particularly enjoy any of the programs. A woman I know refuses to go on any dates until she loses four pounds...the same four pounds that she's been saying she will lose for the past two years.

I’m the first to admit, sometimes distractions have their place. When I’m stalling to avoid writing, I often clean my apartment. I sometimes joke that if it wasn’t for writer’s block, my bathtub would never get scrubbed. Yet another acquaintance of mine often uses having to clean his house as an excuse not to go out and meet people.

That’s the tricky part about distractions. Sometimes those distractions are productive. How about the university student who throws herself into her studies because she doesn’t want to deal with her failing relationship? Or the man who keeps his loneliness at bay by volunteering at a food bank? Those are not bad things.

How do we know whether a distraction is helpful or not? For me, it comes from asking myself a question:

Am I doing this because I want to be doing it or because I’m avoiding doing something else?

A yes answer to the first part of the question means I’m on the right track. A yes answer to the second part means I may have to stop and ask myself a second question.

Is what I’m doing taking me closer or farther away from the person I want to be?

I’m willing to cut myself some slack with writing if it means my apartment won’t be in shambles. Ten hours of video games on the other hand? Let’s just say I’m bringing my games to my day job, where they will stay locked in my desk until the end of the week--or at least until I finish this column.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think there are some dishes that need to be done.

PRACTICE
Take some time to make a list of the distractions in your life. For the next few days, pay attention to your daily routine and notice when you are doing tasks to avoid doing something else. Do you notice any patterns in the types of things you tend to avoid? What about the types of distractions you are drawn to? Are they bringing you closer or farther away from the person you want to be? Are there changes you can make to keep distractions under control?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

The Unsaid

2011-09-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

It hovers between two people in a bed at night, invisible, but thick and heavy as a blanket. It works its way between lovers, strangers, friends, pushing them apart. It is a silent killer. It is what keeps us from expressing interest in a stranger, stops us from saying the words that will keep our relationships together, and leaves us feeling stifled, isolated, misunderstood, and alone

It is the Unsaid.

Fortunately, the Unsaid has a weakness. That weakness is the Truth.

All we need to do is speak it.

Telling the truth isn’t always as easy as it appears on the surface. The Unsaid has allies: Well-meaning people who believe that you don’t talk about certain things. The fear of how people will react if they knew what we were really thinking or feeling. Those who disguise cruelty as honesty, who claim they’re just being truthful when really they are just out to hurt.

But we can do it.

We are told growing up, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.“ There’s nothing wrong with weighing our words, but when silence is the default option, we often end up stifling ourselves. There comes a point where we must learn to speak our hearts with confidence.

Times like this I am grateful for my background in stand-up comedy. It taught me to speak without censoring myself, to not be afraid of saying the wrong thing. I learned it is better to say the wrong thing than nothing. Because at least you learn from saying the wrong thing.

The secret to being honest and open while still minimizing hurting others is to speak only for ourselves. Instead of saying, “Why do you always make me angry?” try saying, “I’m angry right now.” For more ’technical tips’ on speaking honestly, check out the post on self-disclosure.

The shadows cast by the Unsaid are long, dark, and suffocating. Fortunately, with the truth at our side, all we have to do is open our hearts and our mouths and turn on the light.

PRACTICE

For the rest of the week, practice saying what’s on your mind out loud. You get bonus points if other people are around and within earshot. What happens when you express yourself more honestly?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Desire

2011-09-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

The other day I found myself unexpectedly, unbelievably horny--and also in a position where I was completely unable to do anything about it.

It was awesome.

Desire is a wonderful thing, but often we’re so busy trying to do something about it, we don’t appreciate it the way we should.

I always picture desire as a woman in black, though I can’t describe what she looks like. Oh, she gives me flashes, a hint of pale wrist, eyes that glitter with amusement, lips that whisper promises. But for the most part, she’s a ghost, always hiding more than she reveals, never giving you quite what you want, but always hinting that it’s right around the corner, if you just follow her.

But when you round the corner, she isn’t there. She’s up ahead, beckoning, and follow as you might, she’ll never let you catch up completely. She’ll tease you. She’ll let her scent fill your nostrils. She’ll slide a finger along your chest. But try to put your arms around her and she’ll vanish without a trace, leaving your arms empty and your hunger unsatisfied.

I love it. She’s a woman of mystery, coming and going as she pleases. Her fickleness only deepens her mystique, inflames my lust to know her.

But as long as you strive to satisfy desire, you will never know her.

That’s the heart of our problem with desire. We don’t really want to know it. Either we want to either satisfy it or we want to make it go away.

Desire flirts with us all. The married man who sees his best friend’s wife in shorts and a loose top eating ice cream on a hot summer day and finds himself unexpectedly seized with wanting to know what those sticky-sweet lips would feel like on his shaft. A single woman with no prospects on the horizon, alone in her apartment, suddenly gripped by an unquenchable need to have someone heavy and muscular and strong on top of her.

Inside her.

It’s a feeling like no other. Yet instead of enjoying it, luxuriating in it, thrilling to those feelings as they tingle along our skin and flutter in our stomachs try to get rid of it.

Sometimes we do it by indulging in our desire. A perfunctory masturbation session. Downloading pornography. Having sex--or at least attempting to have sex--with the object of our desire, even though deep down we know acting on that lust will bring nothing but pain and trouble in the long run.

Other times we do it by trying to get rid of the desire. We try to push it down, ignore it, pretend it isn’t there. We call it bad or wrong. We repress and resent and lie in bed tryng to convince ourselves that we are not lonelier people for cutting ourselves off from what our bodies are telling us.

These things do not work. We can’t deal with desire by making it our master…or our enemy.

The way to deal with desire is to welcome it when it comes. We enjoy it. We pay attention to how it feels. The surge of illicit excitement, the rush of blood and electricity to the cock or clit…these things are reminders that we are alive and sexy, that others are alive and sexy, and that being alive and sexy is a wonderful thing.

And once we’re comfortable with feeling desire, that’s when the real fun begins.

We can start to play with her. Touching ourselves, just a little, teasing desire right back, drawing it out, indulging her and then stopping, making her come back for more. We might even share our desires with our partners; after all, what can be more intimate that knowing what turns our partners on. Imagine our married man, looking at his friend’s wife eating ice cream, suddenly aware of his wife behind him as she leans in close against his back, brushing her lips lightly against his ear as she murmurs, “Mmm, I know what you’re thinking about right now.”

It turns me on just picturing it.

But of course, what turns me on isn’t the issue here. The important thing is your relationship with the things that turn YOU on. Explore that relationship. You may be surprised at how pleasant it is.

PRACTICE

1 - Take some time to think about your desires. How do you relate to the things that make you horny? What turns you on? How do you feel about being turned on by this? How comfortable would you feel sharing these desires with a partner or potential partner?

2 - Before bed or just upon waking--whichever is sexier for you--take some time to bring to mind the things that make you horny. You don’t need to do anything about it. Just feel yourself getting turned on. Pay attention to the way your body reacts, the feelings you experience. Take your time. If you find you need release afterwards, give it to yourself, but take a little more time than usual, and draw things out just a bit more than you’re used to. Or experiment with delaying that release for a few hours, a day, even a week. What do you notice?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

What You Think About Strangers Is What You Think About Yourself

2011-08-30T09:20:00.001-07:00

The women were dressed for a night on the town--two of them, early twenties maybe, simultaneously talking and texting, all legs and cleavage, tight little dresses and impractical shoes.

No question about it. They were hot.

I thought: stuck up bitches.

And then: Where did that come from? I don’t even KNOW these women.

I’m not proud of this, but there are times when the sight of a certain type of young, attractive woman fills me with resentment. They’re young, hot and carry themselves like they know it.

More than that, I believe they think they’re too good for me.

I know that’s not true. The truth is, I have no way of knowing what they’re thinking. It’s more likely they aren’t thinking of me at all.

They don’t think they’re too good for me. I think they’re too good for me.

But because I, especially as a self-proclaimed dating expert and all around doer-of-good-things-for-women can’t admit I think I’m not good enough for somebody, I have to pretend it’s THEM doing the thinking. I want them, but I don’t believe there’s any way I can have them. So I settle for pretending they’re rejecting me and then disliking them on sight.

Make sense?

So what? you say. What does this somewhat embarassing personal revelation of yours have to do with anything?

It's a reminder. For me, it's a reminder not to judge, but it also points out a habit a lot of us have.

It’s an interesting thing about human nature that our problems with other people often have to do with the way we see ourselves. We judge them not on who they are, but on who we are.

As you can guess, this has the potential to cause a lot of problems in our lives.

The great news is, it’s also an opportunity to learn. We can find out a lot about ourselves by looking at the things we dislike in others, especially those we dislike for no good reason. And the better you know yourself, the more successful you can be in a relationship.

Those women I saw have different lives from me, but we probably have more in common than we do differences. We’ve all had our hearts broken. We all want the best for ourselves. We all seem to have an eye for impractical footwear.

Those women also taught me something. They showed me something in myself, and while it’s something I’m not particularly proud of, I can’t help but be grateful to them for holding up the mirror for me.

They’re more than pretty faces; they helped me become a better man.

PRACTICE
1 - For the next couple of days, notice how you react to strangers. You are looking for sudden, emotional reactions that they trigger in you. Try and identify those emotional flares and what about the stranger sets them off in you.

What do you learn from doing this?

2 - Be grateful to these strangers for helping you learn more about yourself. They have helped you immensely and they don’t even know it. Give them a silent thank you.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Compliments Of The You

2011-08-23T11:01:00.001-07:00

We’ve talked about receiving compliments before. Now let’s talk about giving them. Much of this is covered in Dating for Shy Guys, so we’ll keep things short and simple.

1 - Thou shalt not give a compliment for any reason other than to give a compliment. In other words, you’re doing it without expectation. The other person doesn’t ‘owe’ you a compliment back, a drink, a night of unbridled passion, or even a response. Sometimes--often, even--a compliment can be an icebreaker that leads to these things, but that should be the icing, not the cake.

2 - Thou shalt not give a compliment that…um..thee? Thou? Screw it---YOU don’t mean. In other words, don’t give a compliment to ‘be nice’ or just to say something. If you can’t find something nice to say…look harder. There’s always something there. In fact…

3 - Thou shalt make every attempt to make compliments specific and unique to the person. The less generic a compliment is, the better. You want something that is uniquely about them. That said, sincerity trumps creativity. If you really like their smile, compliment them on it.

4 - Don‘t overdo compliments with a stranger. One compliment is nice. Two in a row is uncomfortable. Three starts to feel like this person is sucking up to you for some reason. Not only that, the more compliments you give, the less each one means. Make each compliment mean more, by giving less. With a stranger, building trust and credibility is more important than over-praising.

5 - Of course, once you’re IN a relationship, the more compliments the better, provided they meet criterias 1 to 3. Psychologist John Gottman found the best ratio between positive and negative interactions in successful relationships was 5 to 1 normally and 8 to 1 in tough times. And while it’s hard to know what came first--do people happy with their relationships compliment each other more or to people who give compliments have happier relationships--I figure it never hurts to add more encouragement and positivity to an ongoing relationship. Treating people well is a habit, and the more you do it, the better you get at it and the easier it comes.

PRACTICE

Experiment with compliments this week. Look for unique things to sincerely compliment both strangers and people you know on. If you feel like it practice saying some of these compliments out loud…bonus points if it is out loud to the person themselves. Start where you’re comfortable, push to where you’re slightly uncomfortable, and be amazed at where the journey takes you.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Feelings Are Habits

2011-08-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

Did You Know Feelings are Habits?

Neurologically speaking, each time you experience a feeling, your brain builds and reinforces the connections between neurons, allowing you to access that same emotion quicker and more efficiently next time, the same way the more you travel the same path through the woods, the easier that path becomes as the path becomes more worn in and the underbrush gets scraped away.

That means if you find yourself feeling blue or angry or fearful a lot, it’s a hard to change that habit because your brain is so good at finding its way to those particular destinations. In fact, it’s so good at getting there, there are times you’ll have arrived in, for example, Anxietytown, Population: You before you even realize you bought a ticket, let alone started the journey.

If you experience this, congratulate yourself. You’ve got a mighty fine, efficient brain working for you.

Now let’s look at teaching that brain a few new places to visit.

PRACTICE

1 - Pick an emotion you’d like to feel more of. It can be joy, confidence, hope, sexiness, self-acceptance. Whatever you’d like more of in your life.

2 - Take a few minutes now for “practicing” that emotion. What do you feel in your body when that emotion is in you? Practice wearing the face of that emotion in the mirror. Display that emotion with your body posture. Remember times you felt it and re-experience them. Use props if it helps: Write in a journal about how that emotion feels. Put on music that inspires it in you. Experiment until you can bring that emotion forward.

3 - Consciously hold on to that emotion for ten breaths. This might take some time, especially if you aren’t used to it. If you can’t do ten, do five. If you can’t do five, try three, or even one.

4 - Take five minutes or so each morning for the rest of the week to repeat steps 2 and 3. I’d encourage you for this first week to use the same emotion each day. Once the week is over, if you want to experiment with different feelings and see how they are different, or if you there’s a specific emotion you think you need more of on any given day, play with that.

5 - Throughout the day for the week, when you remember (set an alarm, if you’d like, or have a visual or environmental reminder, eg - “Every time I see a guy in a blue shirt”), call that feeling to mind and consciously hold on to it for five breaths.

Write down what you notice in a journal or in the comments section below.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Short But Sweet

2011-08-10T09:17:00.000-07:00

Forgive yourself.

That is all.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

The Commitments

2011-08-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

(This is a re-edit of an article that originally appeared on the Suicide Girls website)

Last column we looked at the importance of being willing to walk away from a relationship when you aren't getting what you want. Today, we’re going to talk about the importance of choosing to stay.

It‘s a paradox, but relationships are all about opposing forces. Desire and restraint. Tension and comfort. Anticipation and release. Those forces need to be balanced, but it’s a dynamic, ever-shifting balance.

Relationships are like kisses in that respect -- the tension is steady, but never static. There are constant changes in mood and pressure, explorations and withdrawals, give and take, tenderness and aggression. Lips moving, tongues dancing, hands skimming along backs, soft sighs as bodies press together, fitting perfectly as time seems to disappear and all that remains is an endless now of sensation, until -- unable to hold back -- you grab her hair, drive her against the wall and…

Um…what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, commitment.

Now, keep in mind we aren’t talking about giving the other person the sun, moon, and stars. In fact, early in the relationship, that kind of devotion is creepy. But you do need to demonstrate enough commitment to be trustworthy. A simple example would be a lone gentleman who is flirting with a trio of women at the bar. Nothing can happen until either a) he decides which woman he‘s going to hit on or b)until one of the women signals her friends via Girl ESP or a strategic washroom conference that she‘s into this one.

I often think of commitment as romantic currency. When you‘re going into business with a new partner, you want to each have the same amount of Devotion-Dollars © on the table. He buys a drink; She tells him about herself. She drops a hint about a play she’d like to see; he suggests they go together. He takes care of her cat for the weekend; she helps him understand the importance of furnishing his apartment with decent drapes.

Of course, for things to move forward, the level of Commitment-Bux ™ in the pot has to increase.

Theoretically, in heterosexual relationships, it works like this: the female signals receptivity; the man reads the signal and leads in a forward direction accordingly; the female follows.

Sometimes that’s even the way it happens in the real world.

Most often though, romantic reality follows a rigid and scientifically verifiable pattern that we in the professional dating community refer to as “a clusterfuck.” Yet somehow, some way, you crazy amateurs make it work(*) --which makes me wonder why you need our expert advice in the first place.

I digress.

There’s another kind of commitment. I call it the Switch, and it isn’t measured in phone calls, dinners, or blowjobs. It doesn‘t happen in every relationship, but if you can recognize it in yourself when it happens, it will bring you a lot of clarity.

The Switch is the moment your desire to stay in the relationship outweighs your willingness to walk away. It’s lying awake annoyed in bed thinking, “This human being snores like Darth Vader with a chest cold…and I’m going to stay with them anyway.”

The Switch can be exhilarating. It can be scary. It can also happen without you even realizing, so it’s important to pay attention. If your Switch has been flipped, it’s time to have a talk with the other person about taking the relationship to the next level.

If you don’t feel the Switch, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, you are fooling yourself if you think you can fake it. The Switch is a powerful internal commitment, but if it isn’t there, it can’t be forced. Similarly, if it IS there, it’s a hard thing to turn off.

All this is complicated enough on it's own. But the difficulties are compounded by the fact this other person also has a Switch. And you have no control over if or when it goes off. There are also no reliable clues to tell you if the person has Switched. Some people have a habit of hiding their attachment to a person until they know their feelings will be reciprocated. Others pretend to have emotions they aren’t feeling.

It can be messy. Which is why I recommend a) staying true to your own feelings, and b) letting the other person know what those feelings are. Maybe they share your level of commitment. Maybe they want more…or less. Or maybe they don’t know. Maybe they need an indication of where you‘re at before they make a decision about how much to invest emotionally.

They will do what they are going to do, but at least they won’t be able to use “I didn‘t know you felt that way” as an excuse.

Neither should you. Now go out and make somebody happy.

(*) One of the things that makes being a dating geek so much fun is just as you think you have relationships figured out, you see or experience something that makes you throw your hands up and go, “I have no idea what‘s going on.” My favorites are couples that beat the odds. It’s wonderful to hear a story that lets you still believe in magic.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Due to Popular Demand...

2011-07-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

The 40% off sale for Dating for Shy Guys will be extended until the last day of July.

Check here for the details.

This is the one and only time I'll be extending this sale for the forseeable future so don't miss out!

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Cupid's Injustice: Tests and How To Pass Them

2011-07-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

(A verion of this article originally appeared on the Suicide Girls website in 2009)

I write about dating a lot. Love…not so much. Yes, there’s a difference.

You can describe dating in three words: “cruel, but fair.” If you have a working grasp of the fundamentals you will see results, at least provided your preferred gender being wiped out by an apocalyptic space plague. If the fundamentals aren‘t there, you will have problems, no matter how nice or deserving a person you are.

Love, on the other hand, is a wild card.

Sometimes it’s like in the movies. Being in love gives you the strength to overcome obstacles, transcend your limitations, and make Evil Willow see the error of her ways. But it can also trip you up.

Take the phenomenon I call Cupid’s Injustice--the person most in love is usually the person least willing or able to walk away. And contrary to what the songs and stories say, you don’t earn someone’s love through selfless devotion. You earn love by instead showing you can live without it.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to set those boundaries when every cell in your body is telling you to do what it takes to make this person happy.

But you need to do it. Even if you love them. ESPECIALLY if you love them.

From moment one, couples and potential couples test one another. Sometimes it happens early like a woman demanding a guy buy her a drink before she’ll talk to him. Other times, it happens later when a guy doesn’t call when he says he will. The specifics change, but you can count on one thing. The object of your affection will find the lone button in your psyche you least want pushed and lean on it with all his or her might (*).

Upset about this? Don’t be. First of all, most times the people holding up the hoops don’t consciously realize they’re doing it. Furthermore, it often has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their hang-ups. There’s no point taking it personally.

More importantly, I’ve noticed we only test the people we like. It might not feel like it, but being tested is a good sign. It means you’re in the hunt.

There are two big ways to fail a test. One is to be a pushover, and just let the other person do whatever they want. The second is to freak out and get defensive or resentful. If a woman asks you to buy her a drink and you‘re not into it, saying “let’s wait until I know you a little better” will get you further than exploding into a rant about “gold-digging bitches.”

The secret to dealing with tests is a very simple, two step process. One step is a ‘don’t’
and the other is a ‘do.’

1) Don’t take it as a personal attack.
2) Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do (And you WILL know the right thing to do, ladies and germs. Trust me. More accurately, trust yourself.) (**).

The secret to handling the testing stage of a relationship is to get past it early before things snowball. The sooner the other person can trust you to be true to yourself, the sooner they can stop testing and start fantasizing about raising your children.

Unfortunately, following the Two-Step Testbuster is easier said then done. And if you’re in the grip of Cupid‘s Injustice…that’s when hell really breaks loose.

I’ve been on both sides of this particular fence. There once was a woman who loved me, and I took advantage of it. She told me she was okay with things when she clearly was not. I chose to believe her because…well, because I was getting what I wanted. And it’s a funny thing about human nature that when we’re getting what we think we want, we tend not to look too closely at things we’d rather not see (***).

I got my Karmic reward with the next woman I dated. I was crazy about her, but she did things that were against my principles. Not big things. Little things. I let them go, drop by drop, moment by moment, until I suddenly looked at the relationship we had and realized, “Hey, wait a minute. This is NOT what was pictured on the menu.”

The important thing to realize is that in neither case was I happy. The Death of a Thousand Tests sucks, but being the tester is no bed of roses either. Yes, you get the power in the relationship, but you also get to piggy back the crushing weight of guilt, being unhappy without knowing why, and the resentment that comes from feeling responsible for someone else‘s emotional health.

No matter how in love you are, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how unfair it feels or how many old fears and insecurities that come swirling to the surface, sticking to what you believe and refusing to become embittered will help both you and the other person.

Often showing willingness to walk away can turn a troubled relationship around. In earlier stages of courtship it can make the difference between “just-another-pretty face” and “I-want-to-know-more-about-this-person.” And sometimes…well, sometimes it does nothing. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you need to walk away.

It‘s not always fun. Sometimes it feels completely unfair. But love never pretended to be anything else.

(*) Not everything the other person does is a test. Some things--chronic lateness, obsession with organization, or an unwholesome passion for the music of the psychedelic rock band Vanilla Fudge--are just personality quirks. Also, it is not a test if someone hits you, steals your stuff, or otherwise takes advantage of you physically, emotionally, or financially. That’s called abuse and there are three things you need to know about it 1) It isn’t your fault. 2) You aren’t alone and 3) There is help available.

(**) You’ll earn yourself bonus points if you can do it in way that’s funny, socially graceful, or sexy, but that’s all icing. Sticking to your guns is the cake.

(***) This also explains some of my diet choices. Food is a lot like relationships: Choices are more important than words. It doesn't matter how healthy you tell people you want to be if whenever it comes down to it, you go with whatever is fastest, most convenient, and fills the emptiness inside.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

NEXT WEEK: This article we looked at the importance of being willing to walk away. Join me in seven days as we take a look at the other side of this coin...making the commitment to stay.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Get Dating for Shy Guys for 40% Off!!

2011-07-20T06:49:00.001-07:00

Feeling good this week. Read this post if you want to know why

To celebrate I’m offering the Dating for Shy Guys ebook at 40% off.

Normally priced at 25$, I’m offering it for a donation of just fifteen dollars.

To get your copy now, go to the donations page here and make your contribution. If you want the ebook sent to an address OTHER than the one on the Paypal receipt, make sure to let me know the details at thegatewayboyfriend(at)gmail.com.

Dating for Shy Guys has all the tools the shy guy needs to have a satisfying dating life, covering everything from the attitude you need to specific tricks and techniques to improve your ability to connect with women. Not to mention there’s a special section on What Women Want that will let you in on the secrets Freud couldn’t even figure out.

For a more specific rundown of the Dating for Shy Guys ebook, click here.

This offer is only good until Monday, July 25 at noon so act quickly.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

"Women Give Perfect Feedback: Perfect Feedback Theory

2011-07-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

(This is a revised post that originally appeared on the Hot Chicks & Strangers blog)

I have a theory.

I have a lot of theories, as regular readers well know. This one is simple, and it’s one of the reasons I find relationships so compelling.

A guy’s problems with women often reflect problems in other areas of his life.

Are you scared to ask a woman out? Often that means you aren’t assertive in other parts of your life.

Are women constantly saying they only see you as friends-only material? That probably says something about you too.

Are women okay with going out with you, but then they lose interest after a couple dates?

In the words of a retired pick-up artist: “Women give perfect feedback.”

Unfortunately, as anyone who’s ever listened to women’s confusing, vague, and sometimes downright contradictory advice can attest, just because she knows what’s wrong doesn’t mean she can articulate it. And even if she can say it, she might not necessarily for fear of hurting your feelings.

I wonder if that cuts both ways.

Do men give perfect feedback?

The comments section is open for discussion.

Personally, I suspect we do. And I also suspect that the feedback we give isn't necessarily in the words we say, despite our best efforts.

You would think being a man, I would have insight on this, but I don’t. Attraction happens on a primal, non-verbal level. I often don’t know why I’m attracted or not attracted to a given person. Nor do I always know why I react the way I do to some things in some situations.

It's especially frustrating when those reactions are inconsistent from woman to woman and situation to situation. It's not as frustrating as the CONSISTENT reactions (okay, overreactions) I have that I wish it were possible to just get over, but at least those ones, I'm learing to predict and accept.

But this column isn't about those things.

It's also not about the effects of bad luck, unforeseen circumstances, chemistry, or the way people grow and change in a relationship.

Perfect Feedback Theory is most useful at the beginning of the dating process. You are a blank slate to the other person so their responses are less colored by your shared past history. It's also most helpful when you are dating a variety of people.

If you are consistently getting similar reactions from a diversity of people, it might mean that you need to look at what you're doing.

Dating, like life, is cruel but fair. The lessons we need to learn are always being taught to us, in our dating lives, but also in other areas. Every moment is an opportunity to learn and grow. It also means facing that sometimes the challenges we face are consequences of our own attitudes and approaches to life.

That’s a scary, because it leaves us with no excuses, but it’s exciting as well. It’s within all of us to attain our full potential. All we have to do is reach for it.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

The Trite Stuff

2011-07-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

(This article originally appeared on the Suicide Girls website)

The most horrifying moment for me in my life as a dating expert was the moment I realized that most of the advice I had spent years dismissing as trite clichés was 100% true.

* "Be yourself." Check.

* "Don't over-think things." Check.

* "Don't have sex on the first date." Okay, that one I don't buy into yet. But I'm at the point where I could be convinced, which is something, I guess.

Still, it's embarrassing. I put a lot of hours in, after all: reading books, wondering if I'll ever get laid, going on dates, getting laid, talking to strangers about their boy and/or girlfriend problems, wondering if I'll ever get laid again, lying awake in bed next to the Wrong Girl thinking "How did this happen AGAIN?"

With all that experience, I feel I should have something more insightful to say than "Be honest" or "Know what you want."

That's the trouble with the truth. Even if it's a cliché, it stays true, whether we want to hear it or not.

You wouldn't know it from reading this column, but I'm not a big fan of giving unsolicited advice (*). Unless someone really wants my opinion, I dodge casual requests for guidance like Spider-Man evading pumpkin bombs. I'll use every conversational tool at my disposal to avoid answering from "What do YOU think you should do?" to "Boy, I could sure use a bite to eat right now" to "Sorry, I wasn't listening. I was busy picturing you naked (**)."

The truth is, even when they ask for it, most people don't want to hear advice. Ninety percent of the time, they know perfectly well what they need to do. They don't want guidance; they want support and reassurance. They want to hear that they're an okay person and that the bad things that keep happening aren't their fault. Sometimes they don't want to hear anything. Sometimes, they just want someone to listen. (Another cliché. God damn it!)

Most days, I try and do just that. But every once in a while, I am consumed by the urge to impress someone and I can't resist sticking my oar in the water.

"You can't love someone else until you can love yourself," I'll say cheerfully. "Dating is a numbers game. Put yourself out there."

I'm kind of an asshole sometimes.

The weird thing is, often one of those clichés will be the exact right advice for that person. And boy do they ever hate it.

"Put yourself out there!" They'll sputter. "That's your dating advice? That's trite!"

It's IS trite. It's been said a million times or more since the dawn of time. Yet people don't do it. Then they wonder why they're not getting what they want. And when a likable, talented, sexually irresistible dating writer tells them why they aren't getting what they want, they get mad at the advice (***).

We've all done it. Why? Because we don't just want advice. We want SPECIAL advice.

We want to believe our problems are more dramatic or different or more insurmountable that other people's problems. We don't want the 'be yourself' breadcrumbs that feed the plebes. We want unique advice as befits our station. Better yet, we want advice that will let us keep doing what we're doing and somehow give us different results. And if it blames some nebulous group (women, men, media steretypes and/or the Delaware Union of Shoemakers & Chimney Sweeps are my personal faves) instead of holding us personally accountable, that would also be a bonus.

The trouble is, the simple stuff is what works. As advice goes, "eat properly and exercise" sounds banal, but it's the only healthy way to get in shape. Similarly, if you want successful relationships, you're going to have to do the things people in successful relationships do.

There are no short-cuts. No argument will change the truth. You can't run from the devil in your own back pocket.

Here's another true thing, I've learned: Advice does you no good unless you test it for yourself. Reading it won't help. Thinking about it won't help. Debating it on the internet won't help. You have to try things and see if they work for you.

That's why I'm grateful for the time I put into dating, even if in some ways, it led me right back to where I started in the first place. There really is no substitute for experience.

That's a cliché I can get behind.

(*) I'm also not so good at TAKING unsolicited advice, so I guess it evens out.

(**) Not for use on close family members.

(***) Sometimes they get mad at the writer. But he IS kind of an asshole.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Lies My Brain Told Me

2011-07-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

One day I woke up absolutely convinced my girlfriend was going to leave me. The feeling of dread stayed with me all day. I wondered how it would start? A phone call? A text saying we had to talk? Would she arranged a coffee date, sit me down, and break the news?

What do I do? I thought. Should I distance myself from her, and make it easier for her? Should I try and win her back? Should I call her to find out what was wrong?

I don’t want to be needy, but I worry I’m so worried about being seen as needy that I’ll push her away instead. But then I worry I’m so worried about not pushing her away, that I’ll become needy again. Plus, if she isn’t into me anymore it will hurt and I don’t want to admit she can hurt me.

I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to give my power away and I don’t want to bring up the subject because I’m afraid it will make me look weak and she’ll either lose respect for me or think I’m crazy and all of these things are whirling around in my head despite the fact that nothing has actually happened.

I called her that night.

We talked about our respective days.

She did not break up with me.

Life went on.

This is not the first time this has happened. Once, I remember twelve hours of being absolutely convinced the woman I was dating was cheating on me. Another time, with another woman, I experienced a twenty-four hour sweep of “this is never going to work out” that was completely unrelated to anything that had anything to do with the relationship. On yet ANOTHER occasion, I was terrified that the woman I was casually dating was going to be the last relationship of my life, that we would end up together by default instead of because we both wanted to be there.

Never happened. But it was darn convincing.

The brain‘s efficiency is an amazing thing. Unexplained feeling of dread? No problem, says the brain. We’ll just take some memories from the last twenty-four hours or so, fill in some missing pieces ourselves, and we have a scenario already.

The scenario may or may not be true, but hey, at least it provides an EXPLANATION.

And sometimes that’s all we want. We want a reason why we feel or act the way we do. Sure, the reason could be absolute bullshit, hey, it’s better than nothing.

The scary part for me though is how accurate those stories seem at the time. When my brain is playing these tricks, it is absolutely, 100% convincing. Even when I know my brain is just making things up, the feelings are so powerful, I spend so much time wrestling with my perceptions I don’t know what to do.

I am not the only person who does this. See if any of these feel familiar.

-When we made plans for our next date, he never texted me back when I texted him to say I looked forward to seeing him. That means he doesn’t care about me anymore

- When I smiled at that girl, she looked away. That happened once a few months ago. And when I told my story last week at that party, when I was done, the people I was with started talking about something else. I must be creepy and weird.

The neighbour’s dog comes to the fence whenever I walk past their yard. And my best friend’s family cat follows me around. I must have super-powers. I am the Lord of Dogs and Cats!

Okay, maybe that last one was just me. In my defense, I was six years old at the time.

All of us have brains that make up stories. Some of us have more creative brains than others, but we all do it. Our brains are programmed to do it. When faced with incomplete information, they fill in the missing pieces.

Which is a nice gesture. For example, all of us have a blind spot in our vision where the optic nerve passes through the retina. We don’t notice it, because the brain helpfully fills in what’s missing and we go about our days unbothered by a black void in the center of our vision.

But sometimes the brain’s tendency to fill in the blanks can hurt us.

We make up motivations that aren’t there. We connect dots that are, in fact, not connected. We take fears, things that happened in the past, or our own insecurities and write them into a story that was playing out perfectly well without them.

This would not be a problem, except that sometimes those stories feel so real, we ACT on them.

And that’s where the trouble starts.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

B.S. Dating Advice: Hook Up With Inexperienced Guys Because They'll Be Too Grateful To Cheat On You

2011-06-29T09:36:00.001-07:00

This is a quote from a commenter at Susan Walsh's Hooking Up Smart blog. It's a myth I read about a lot, that guys with fewer options are more faithful than guys with a lot, or as The Unfortunate Rake eloquently puts it:

"Of course a beta male with few options is happy to be getting sex on the regular after marriage. He wasn’t getting laid much before, and certainly not with a variety of hot women. Life is better! On the other hand, the alpha male’s sex life has changed for the worse after marriage — having experienced the pleasures of variety, he actually knows what he is missing, unlike the blissfully ignorant beta male. "

My experience has been the opposite. When I was less sexually experienced I was more vulnerable to temptation because it was the forbidden fruit. Plus I wanted to know what else was out there or what I might be missing. Plus when temptation knocked there was the thought that "I might never get this opportunity again."

Now that I'm more experienced, I KNOW what else is out there. Plus I'm confident in my ability to attract women---if this one doesn't work out there are other women out there...I'm not going to run out.

All this makes it EASIER to be faithful not harder. I've experienced the risks and rewards so I have a more realistic sense of what sex with a new partner can and cannot do for me. I'm also more comfortable with temptation; I'm more familiar with it so I can handle it better than I might have been able to years ago. I've also learned It's a lot easier to find sex with a new partner for me than it is to find someone who I can not only enjoy great and varied sex with, but is also a friend, confidant, and support for me. Now that I have such a person in my life and I know how much it's worth, I'm a lot less willing to put it at risk for something that is relatively easy to get.

I'm not saying inexperienced guys are necessarily unfaithful, and that an experienced partner will never cheat. I'm saying judging someone based on their experience level instead of their character is a sucker's bet.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

A Story From The Original Gateway GIRLfriend

2011-06-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

Here's a comment from a reader. The woman who posted it is the woman who opened my eyes to the realization that some of us are 'Gateway Boy/Girlfriends.' Without her, this blog probably wouldn't exist, so if you get anything from it, I hope you take a moment to be as grateful to her as I am.

Thanks to Google, the story didn't make it into the comments section but it is too powerful a story not to share.

I hope you take as much from it as I did.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

"As the original gateway gf and no stranger to irony, I thought I would share this latest tale of waning romance. I share this, while my now ex is attempting to reconsile with the girl I caught him with or rather, we discovered each other two weeks ago. It's a pretty complicated situation, but to summarize the more unusual parts, I live in an isolated town and had been seeing this man for several months. The other person in question lives 8 hours away and had no reason to think they even knew each other. She and I hadn't spoken in years, actually. She came to town on a work assignment for two days and without any rational reason to think so, I was convinced they were together before I had even seen her. I didn't discuss my relationship when I saw her, just mentioned I was seeing someone but nothing serious. All the while, I was feeling very insecure and paranoid, even bad for thinking such things for no reason. He denied even seeing her at all. It wasn't until a couple of days later that she discovered me, saying they had been dating for a month now. My reaction? I thanked her for ensuring I'm not in fact going crazy and told her when I had felt they were together I remember thinking to myself that they would make a cute couple.

She and I have become good friends over all this, oddly enough. It still hurts though and he's avoiding me like the plague. This is a much more complicated story than laid out here, but as I'm sure Dan can attest to, hurt is pretty simple no matter how many variables get added..."

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Cheating

2011-06-14T10:10:00.001-07:00

Someone asked me the other day about cheating.

The Gateway Boyfriend doesn’t have an official position on it one way or the other.

The fact is, cheating happens. Not in every relationship, and not every person does it, but it’s common enough that pretending it doesn't happen isn't a tenable position.

Personally, I’ve been on all points of the cheating triangle at various times. I’ve been the cheater, the cheatee, and even the Other Man. I can’t say it’s pleasant experience, but I can also say there is more than one side to every story, and that those experiences taught me not to judge or assign blame.

Being a part of a cheating relationship is destructive, unhealthy, and often, more trouble than its worth. And if you’re the kind of person who values a long-term, stable relationship, knowingly being any point on the Cheating Triangle is selling yourself short.

If you ARE already a point on a Cheating Triangle, it doesn’t make you a bad or worthless person. Cheating is destructive, but you can learn positive things from destructive experiences. Sometimes it’s the impetus for someone to get out of a bad relationship or one that just isn't working any more. Sometimes it’s what makes us realize what we have and motivates us to stay and do better. Sometimes its just the realization that we are tired and aren’t going to live this kind of life anymore.

Cheating is common. I won’t go so far to say it’s normal, but it’s a situation in which a large percentage of people find themselves. I won’t judge anybody for it, whether you're cheater, cheatee, or the person on the sidelines.

But I will tell you this.

It hurts. It hurts others and it hurts ourselves.

Yes, cheating happens. Yes, it can bring you to positive places. Yes, it’s always on the table whether it gets talked about or not.

But even though it’s always on the table, I’d think long and hard before deciding its worth the price.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

(NOTE: There will be no article next week as I will be taking part in a wrestling tour. If you're interested in knowing more about the other things I do, you can check the link here.)

Resentment: Drinking Poison and Hoping the Other Person Dies

2011-06-07T12:45:00.001-07:00

“Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.”
-attributed to Carrie Fisher

I watched American History X last night with my girlfriend. It’s a fine movie about racial hatred, anger, and resentment and what it does to a young man and his family.

This isn’t a blog about race, but anger and hate aren’t restricted to race.

You don’t have to go very far to find a lot of anger in the dating world. There are blogs all over the internet chock full of resentment. Women furious with men. Men angry with women. There are women who are resentful of other women. Men can resent the “jerks that get all the girls.” There are a few people out there who are carrying around a lot of hatred towards THEMSELVES.

Some of them have legitimate reasons. I get angry just reading their stories--tales of heartbreak and betrayal, enough lying and cheating for an album of country and western songs, children being used as leverage, financial and legal attacks…it seems like where relationships are concerned, we have a particular gift for finding ways to hurt one another.

Hearing those stories, anger and resentment sounds like a perfectly normal reaction.

Then there are the people who don’t or won’t realize they’re angry. They hide their resentment, claiming that they’re “telling it like it is” or “facing the reality of the situation.” In some cases, there may be a little bit of truth on their side, just enough to justify their position.

The most frightening ones of all are the ones that hide anger under the pretense of something else, sometimes even fooling themselves.

“I LOVE women,” a promiscuous man might say, even as he uses and discards them--secretly hating his conquests for doing exactly what he seduced them into doing.

“I just want you to be the best you can be,” a woman explains, even as she grinds away at her husband with criticism after criticism.

And you know what?

Anger is okay. Resentment is something that comes up. Even hatred…it’s not a good thing, not necessarily, but it would be lying to pretend it isn’t something that comes with being human sometimes.

It’s okay to feel angry, bitter and resentful. Staying that way, on the other hand…to paraphrase a line from American History X: “How has that made your life better?”

Holding grudges takes effort. But for a lot of us, we’re so used to feeding them, we don’t even notice we do it. We pull those grudges out and go over and over them in our mind. We watch a movie or read a story and suddenly it isn’t a movie or a story anymore. It’s a message to us personally about how women (or men) have ruined our lives, how they can never be trusted, how they‘re all the same.

But we can let these things go. It isn’t always easy. And it isn’t always fun--it can be a comfort to have someone to hate--but it is within our power.

In order to do that though, we have to face it. It isn’t pleasant, but it’s doable, and it’s do-able in two simple steps.

1 - Acknowledge your anger

2 - Let it go.

Simple, but not easy. We don’t always want to take that first step. Not all of us like to admit hate or anger or resentment…but it will be there whether we like it or not, and the best way to keep it from festering underground and poisoning us is to bring it up into the light.

Admit to it. Look at it. Above all, let yourself feel it.

Then let it go.

Letting it go does not mean trying to bury it. It doesn’t mean trying to push it away. It doesn’t mean trying to drive it off or compensating for it by being extra extra nice to those you resent.

You don’t have to do anything of those things.

All you need to do is stop holding on to it.

Stop holding onto it and watch it leave all on its own.

PRACTICE

What is your relationship with anger? Is it something to be ashamed of? Something that you must express? Something that takes you over? Do you hide it from yourself? Do you bottle it up? Do you believe your anger is destructive and shameful or do you feel it gives you strength or is morally justified?

Take time to explore these questions. What do you come up with?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Every Relationship Ends

2011-05-31T10:20:00.000-07:00

There is no such thing as a relationship that lasts forever.

A comedian I worked with put it best: “What’s the reward for a successful relationship? One of you gets to watch the other die. The prize is loneliness.”

Every relationship ends.

They end, but they also never stop, not while you‘re part of them.

We tell ourselves there is happily ever after. “When the wedding is over, things will settle down.” “Once work gets less crazy, he’ll pay more attention to me.”

People change. Circumstances change. You are never at the finish line. I’m now at the age where my friends are starting to get divorced. In at least three cases, the divorce caught me completely by surprise. I remember thinking “What happened? You guys MADE it.”

If this couple can’t make it work, what hope for the rest of us?

There are two things we must understand.

- Every relationship ends.

- It can end an any time. It doesn‘t matter whether you‘ve been together five weeks, five years, or five decades…there is no point at which you can say ‘we made it.’

There's no question, I feel sad when I think of this.

But I also choose to see it as liberating.

There are many of us out there who worry about our relationships. We think if we say the right things or do the right things or be the right person we can make our things work. We also think if the relationship falters, it’s because we’re bad, broken, or unlovable. Sometimes we even get angry at our partners for things not working. We're doing everything we can and they just won't respond the way we want them to.

By reminding myself all relationships end, I take a lot of pressure off myself.

I don’t have to stress about whether or not we will last as a couple. I can let go of trying to hold the relationship together and enjoy what’s there instead of worrying about the future.

None of us can ever know what’s going to happen.

So instead of worrying about the relationship, I can concentrate on the person I’m in the relationship with.

Relationships might not last forever, but as long as we’re there, we can do the best we can for ourselves and for the other person.

Valar Morghulis. All things must die. With human lives, we judge them on the quality of their life, not the length of it.

Let’s do the same with our relationships.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Dating Fundamentals: Self-Disclosure

2011-05-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

(This is a re-edit of a Suicide Girls article that ran in 2009)

Successful dating is like basketball. It’s all about fundamentals (*).

Too many people are looking for a trick or secret weapon to dating success when ninety-five percent of the time, all they need to do is refine what they already have. Today we’re going to talk about a basic conversational building block called self-disclosure.

I know what you’re thinking: How dumb to you have to be to screw up talking? The answer is, you don’t have to be dumb at all. Often some of the smartest people I know have the most trouble talking to people. This is because they’re the type of person who is always trying to “win“ the conversation. They want to be the one with the most knowledge or the most trenchant comeback. Many times they are successful--and many times it doesn’t do them a bit of good. The prize for these conversational victories is the title of social imbecile. Instead of a blue ribbon, they get a scarlet letter (I am a trained professional writer. Do not attempt this imagery at home.).

I don’t blame these people. Our culture seems to assume social ability is somehow innate. The truth is, conversation is a learnable skill, just like long division or the challenge levels in Batman: Arkham Asylum.

Which brings us back to self-disclosure, which is to conversation what X-Wing fighters are to the Rebel Alliance--effective, adaptable, and ubiquitous.

How do you self-disclose? Easy-Peasy. You pick a subject--ANY subject--and relate it to yourself by talking about your feelings on the subject. Then you shut your gob and give the other person a chance to talk. Rinse and repeat.

It looks something like this:

GUY: My favorite animal is the wolf. I like them because they’re tough, but they’re also social creatures. And they howl, which is what I’m told my singing sounds like in the shower.

GAL: I love singing in the shower too! My boyfriend hates it.

GUY: I don’t have a boyfriend, but the woman I’m sleeping with does. It’s a real pain in the ass.

Pretty simple, right? The two biggest mistakes people make are lack of emotional content (“The new Transformers movie opens this summer” vs. “I can’t believe what those fuckers did to Soundwave in the last one.”) and not tying the content to themselves (“Many cultures consider suicide a noble ending” vs. “I hate myself and want to die.”).

The secret is to talk in the first person. Not only will you sound more confident and expressive, it will help you avoid sounding judgmental, which is the conversational kiss of death. “I‘m a fan of good driving” is a far more effective connection-builder than “People should learn to drive” or (God help you) “Your driving sucks.”

The important thing to realize about self-disclosure is you aren’t talking about yourself for the sake of talking. There’s no showing off, defending yourself, or rationalizing. The goal is to lay down how you honestly feel. When you do this, people become more comfortable opening up right back, and in dating, comfort is the name of the game.

Don’t believe me?

Good. If you‘re smart enough to know not to believe everything you read, then you‘re probably smart enough to realize the best way to find out if something is true is to try it for yourself. It’s counter-intuitive to accept that the best way to connect with others is by talking about yourself, so a little skepticism is perfectly natural.

PRACTICE
Here then is your challenge. Your job is to have a conversation with someone. Over the course of this conversation, you are to learn as much as you can about them using ONLY self-disclosure. You are not allowed to tell them what to do. You are not allowed to ask questions. All you do is a) talk about your own experience and b) listen.

Post your results and questions in the comments section below.

(*) All of which are covered in my book Dating for Shy Guys, available in slush piles of finer Literary Agencies everywhere.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

It Never Ends...

2011-05-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

I used to think there was an endpoint to this relationship stuff.

I thought once I got a girlfriend, I was home free.

I’ve heard others tell similar stories. The guy who just wants to get laid. The woman who dreams of walking down the aisle. Everything in between, before, and beyond.

The truth is, it never ends.

You will never have it all figured out.

Something always changes.

You will never be able to step back, take a look at your relationship and say, “There. Finished.”

If you do, you are on the road to stagnation.

You relationships should be changing and evolving, not because you’re forcing it, but because that’s what relationships do. Just like everything else.

That’s a wonderful thing.

It frees you.

Instead of trying to hold things in place, you can scan the horizon and see how you can both most enjoy the next adventure.

It’s coming whether you want it or not. Might as well embrace it.

It’s a lot of fun.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Be Sexier Now (Part 2): Working From The Inside Out

2011-05-10T09:53:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in a previous column that the most inexperienced daters usually improve their relationships by making changes from the outside in.

However most people find that scoring themselves on external results will only take them so far. There are countless changes one can make; at a certain point, most of us start to feel that there is only so many changes we can make before we aren’t ourselves anymore.

Not only that, there’s the inevitable diminishing returns: Romantic victories are awesome at first. But as time goes on, it takes more and more to recreate the high of those first successes. As time passes, we start to burn out. We get sick of endlessly chasing the dragon of the next and more spectacular conquest, of being emotional slaves to the normal highs and lows of dating.

Eventually, most of us find our priorities start to shift to working from the inside out. We no longer what sexy to be something we do, but something we are.

Working from the inside out isn’t as easy as working from the outside in. The steps aren’t as specific and the results aren’t always as measurable. Yet for me, it was only once I started dealing with the inside that I began to find myself flowing with the rhythm of my own life.

The inside is about self-acceptance, about being comfortable with who you are and understanding that you’re a worthwhile person. It’s easy to give lip service to it, but not so easy to put into practice. Sometimes it feels like going backwards as you are forced to face things in yourself you need to deal with.

These things don’t come overnight.

But they come.

With it comes the realization of who you are. It becomes easier to let go of worrying about what other people might think, and discover what you need for yourself.

You start to learn that you don’t have to become sexy because you already are. It’s all a matter of getting out of your own way. Instead of trying to add things to your personality and make yourself over, it becomes a process of letting go, allowing the things that prevent your natural sexiness from shining through to drop away.

This doesn’t mean you won’t change or evolve or stop learning. It doesn’t mean you can repeat ineffective behaviour and get different results. You still have to put in time and effort to get what you want.

But that time and effort happens in the flow of life. Instead of being about the things you do, being sexy because about the person you are.

Because there is a secret I know about you, and with time you will learn it for yourself.

You are already sexy. You already have everything you need. At a certain point, striving for more is like searching the house for your car keys when they’re already in your hand.

The trouble is, this is the kind of knowledge you can’t just read. You have to experience it.

So get out there and experience. You’re going to meet a lot of new people.

And one of the most interesting of those new people is going to be yourself.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Be Sexier Now (Part 1: Working From the Outside In)

2011-05-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

Everybody wants to be sexy.

Guess what? It’s a learnable skill.

No matter where you’re starting from, you can always get better.

When it comes to building your attractiveness, there are two approaches:

1- Working from the outside in

2 - Working from the inside out.

In the first strategy, you add tools to your arsenal to become more sexy. The second approach involves assuming you are ALREADY sexy and all you have to do is get out of your own way.

Which is better? I’m of the opinion they both work just fine, and rather than wasting time worrying about which is ‘best,’ I’d instead recommend playing with both and seeing what works best for you.

I have found the most inexperienced people (and that includes myself, once upon a time) find it easiest to start with the outside-in method because it’s less abstract and more specific than working from inside out.

The nice thing abour working from the outside in is it is a lot easier and you tend to see results faster. It also gives you concrete things to do.

Which leads to the question. What do you work on?

The nice thing about working on the external things is that there are endless possibilities.

For example, you can start with the physical things. You can sign up for a gym and start improving your health. You can work on dressing differently or experminent with different ways of carrying yourself. You can take vocal lessons.

You can work on your social confidence. Practice talking to strangers or even hit on a cutie at the bar. Join clubs; expand your circle of friends; start a dating profile on the internet.

You can build your mind. Scour the internet or the bookstore for items on the art and science of attraction and relationships. You don’t have to agree with everything, but it never hurts to know what’s out there. Learn about your sexual bits and pieces, how they work, and the issues that face the members of your preferred gender.

It doesn’t matter where you start. All that matters is that you start somewhere.

Don’t just read the books though. Knowing how something is done is not the same thing as knowing how to do it. Go out and practice. Make the mistakes. Reap the rewards.

PRACTICE

Dedicate yourself this week to making one change. Pick something small--initiating a conversation with one stranger (or one a day), getting a new haircut, improving your body language.

Work on it for a week. What happens? What do you think of yourself? How does it feel knowing it is possible to make changes?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

The Suck Rule

2011-04-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

(this is a re-edit of a Suicide Girls article that was a re-edit of a Hot Chicks & Strangers post. It pays to recycle)

I have to confess something...

There are times I get dumped.

It's important you know this. If you're going to take my advice as an alleged "dating expert," you should know where my expertise ends. When it comes to making relationships work, your guess is as good as mine.

When it comes to dating though, I gots me some Mad Game.

Well, I used to anyway. Months of domestic bliss seems to have dulled the edge.

Whatever your situation, it’s a shock to the system diving back into the dating pool, after an extended period of time in the relationships hot tub. The skills required to maintain a relationship and the ones required to start a new one are very different.

One of the things you get used to in a relationship is the emotional stability. Even the drama has a familiar rhythm to it, like the lyrics to a Katy Perry song (*). Dating is like riding a roller coaster blindfolded. If you aren't careful your self-esteem can go through all sorts of peaks and valleys and loop-de-loops...and you never know what's around the next curve.

I call this emotional whiplash the I RULE/I SUCK syndrome.

"The Hottest Guy/Girl Ever gave me her phone number--I RULE!"_

"My friend is flirting with cuties, and I can't even find the ability to open my mouth--I SUCK!"

"I kissed a girl and I liked it--I RULE!"

"Except, now she won't phone me back. Apparently her boyfriend DID mind it. That's okay, I can call her. Maybe tomorrow, or maybe when I know she's at work so I can leave a carefully rehearsed message. Except it's already been a week, so she's probably forgotten about me and I probably didn't like her that much anyway...I SUCK!"

Riding the "I Rule/I Suck" mechanical bull is a great way to get the adrenaline going. The I SUCK moments are devastating but those I RULE! moments...what a high.

Unfortunately, it's not very healthy.

We have no control over whether or not someone likes us or gives us their phone number or phones us back when we call. Whether you're new to the dating world, a regular citizen in it, or a return visitor, the song remains the same: Thou Shalt Not Take Things Personally.

There's a myth that success in dating is a reflection of you as a person. It isn't. If you're in the grip of I Rule/I Suck Syndrome, it might be time to take a step back, sit on your honey pot like Pooh Bear, and have a think. It could be a sign you're losing perspective.

You're fine just the way you are, whether you're single, married, divorced, "It's complicated," or anywhere in between. It doesn't matter if you're kissing girls, boys, or your own pillowcase good night.

You're still you, and that person is plenty good enough.

(*) We fight, we break up, we kiss and make-up.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Compliments Of The Gateway Boyfriend

2011-04-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

A lot of us aren’t used to taking compliments. We play them down. Sometimes it’s because we aren’t comfortable with them. Other times it’s because we’re worried the other person wants something from us.

But taking a compliment is part of learning how to receive. When someone takes the time to say something nice to you, they are putting themselves out there. We can appreciate that by accepting the compliment without feeling like we have to do anything back.

PRACTICE

When you receive a compliment this week, experiment with accepting it. Instead of refusing it, deflecting credit to someone else, or rushing to compliment them back, simply look them in the eyes and say ‘thank you.’

If someone thanks YOU for something, practice simply and warmly looking them in the eyes and saying “you’re welcome.”

Pay attention to how that feels for you. What do you notice?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

BS Dating Advice: The C-Word (`You Just Gotta Be Confident`)

2011-04-14T09:18:00.001-07:00

(This article originally appeared on the Suicide Girls website in 2009)

Today we're going to get a little controversial. That's right, we’re going to talk about the C-word.

The C-word gets thrown around a lot. It used to be used mostly among men, but lately, women have started to take it back. It doesn’t sound any better coming from them either.

I’m talking, of course, about the word ‘confidence.’ Being confident is the holy grail of dating advice. “Women love a confident guy.” “If you believe in yourself, the man of your dreams will find you.” "You just need more confidence, Dude."

There are times I’m a fan of stock dating advice, but this is plain unhelpful. If you’re confident, you don’t need to be told. If you aren’t, being told what you lack often leaves you feeling even worse.

Of course, there's always the 'fake it 'til you make it school,' but I've found clever rhymes (Well, kind of clever. Rhyming 'it' with 'it' isn't exactly the height of lyrical sophistication) are a lot easier to say than to put into practice. Besides, pretending to have something you don’t--even if that something is a positive quality--goes against one of my most fundamental secrets to long-term happiness: Always represent yourself honestly.

The truth is, you don‘t need exceptional self-confidence to be successful at dating. Nor do you need to be mysterious, rich, alluring, or even a particularly good-looking. Those things are nice bonuses, but they won’t do you any good without the Big One, the other C-word, the one no one talks about.

That word is Comfort.

To me, comfort has two components--being comfortable with other people and being comfortable with yourself.

Many guys worry about whether or not a woman is attracted to him. But for most women I know, attraction is an ephemeral quality. It comes and goes, arises and fades. Attraction is an untrustworthy accomplice. Believe it or not, a woman doesn’t have to be THAT attracted to you, at least not at first. All she needs is to like you enough to give you a chance.

Comfort, on the other hand…comfort is king.

I‘m not talking about the Just Friends platonic blandness that comes with hesitating too long to make a move or we‘ve-been-going-out-two-years-so-I-don‘t-have-to-make-an-effort-anymore laziness. I’m talking about true comfort, where you feel you can say--or do--anything and you won’t be judged for it. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a one-night stand or the love of a lifetime. Comfort is the doorway to intimacy(*).

How do you make others comfortable? Do you ask them questions about themselves? Do you buzz around them like a hummingbird offering to take coats and mix drinks? Nope, nope and nope. You can do those things if they’re in your nature, but they aren’t the secret.

The secret to making people around you comfortable is to be comfortable with yourself. That doesn‘t mean having an unwavering belief in your own awesomeness. Nor does it mean refusing to accept feedback or change your behavior. It just means being okay with where you are and whatever you happen to be feeling.

Confidence is unreliable. It comes and goes. But you can always be comfortable. Even in times of uncertainty, you can be at ease with feeling unsure.

If you’re confident, be confident. If you’re afraid, be afraid. If you’re angry at yourself or fearful…well, embrace those things too. The more at peace you are with different facets of yourself, the easier it is for others to open up to you. They don’t have to worry about hurting your feelings. They can trust you. When you meet the world open and unguarded, those around you can relax and let down their own defenses…and that’s when you crush them like a butterfly beneath a boot-heel.

Ha, ha! That last part was a joke(**). Obviously, the correct course of action would be to sleep with them and never call again until you need help moving or getting back at your significant other. No, wait, that’s not it either…

Look. Your life is your own. Do what you want. But if you truly want to be comfortable with yourself, you might want to avoid making choices that leave you feeling uncomfortable.

It might not be as glamorous as being confident, but sometimes, just feeling okay about yourself is enough.

(*) As an aside, if comfort is the doorway to intimacy, then being judgmental is the dragon at the gates. It isn’t easy to slay that sucker--he has a tendency to rise from death more than Michael Meyers, but if you can do it, you will find yourself in a treasure-house beyond compare.

(**)Unless you’re a character in Dangerous Liaisons or the seneschal of a Vampire Court. Then you do what you gotta do.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Damn Right (link)

2011-04-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm talking about.

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: "Women Give Perfect Feedback"

2011-04-07T08:51:00.001-07:00

(Cannibalized from the remains of my Hot Chicks & Strangers blog, 2008)

I have a theory.

I have a lot of theories, actually. You’ll be sick of them before long.

But this one is pretty simple, and it’s one of the main reasons I find relationships so compelling.

A guy’s problems with women often reflect problems in other areas of his life.

Are you scared to ask a woman out? Often that means you aren’t assertive in other parts of your life.

Are women constantly saying they only see you as friends-only material? That probably says something about you too.

Are women okay with going out with you, but then they lose interest after a couple dates?

In the words of a retired pick-up artist: “Women give perfect feedback.”

Unfortunately, as anyone who’s ever listened to women’s confusing, vague, and sometimes downright contradictory advice can attest, just because she knows what’s wrong doesn’t mean she can articulate it. And even if she can say it, she might not necessarily for fear of hurting your feelings.

I wonder if that cuts both ways.

Do men give perfect feedback?

You would think being a man, I would have insight on this, but I don’t. Attraction happens on such a primal, non-verbal level. I often don’t know why I’m attracted or not attracted to a given person.

I really believe a person’s success or lack of success in relationships says more about them than it does about the people they date.

We have the choice to be attractive people or not. That’s a scary, because it leaves us with no excuses, but it’s exciting as well. It’s within all of us to attain our full potential. All we have to do is reach for it.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

B.S. Dating Advice: Be In The Moment.

2011-04-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

Like ‘be yourself,’ this advice isn’t so much bad as it is unhelpful. Whenever I tried to ‘be in the moment’ or ‘live in the now’ or ‘be present’ or whatever other presence buzzword was being thrown my way, I found it was just one more thing to worry about.

“OMG, I’m not in the moment,” I would lament. Or worse, I’d keep asking myelf: "Wait. Am I in the moment? Is this what being the moment is? How about now? How about NOW?”

Being present is supposed to free you, not give you one more thing to stress over.

Besides, moments change. By the time I looked around to see if I was in one moment, the next was already here.

Many of us are used to struggling. We struggle against where we are, who we are, the way things are. And where we’re told there’s another way, we struggle to stop struggling. We stop fighting against the current and start fighting to go with it, not realizing we don’t have to fight at all.

We don’t have to worry about being in the moment.

Because we ARE in the moment.

There’s no place else we can be.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

The Creepiness Conundrum (Part 2): The Four Horsemen of the Creepapocalypse

2011-03-29T09:53:00.001-07:00

In Part 1 we talked about creepiness in general terms. Today we’re going to address the dreaded Four Horsemen of the Creepocalypse:

1 - Hidden Agenda
2 - Uncomfortable with him/herself and/or others
3 - Doesn’t treat others like people.
4 - Socially Inappropriate

In my experience, every Accidental Creep does one or more of these things, and they contribute directly to the creepy vibe. Solve these, and you'll be on the right track.

Let’s look at each piece in more detail and consider ways to counteract them.

1 - Hidden agenda. Other people are getting the vibe that you want something from them but you aren’t making it clear what it is.

ANTIDOTE: Be genuine. If you’re talking to her because you want to know more about her, say so. If you want to know how he really feels about something, ask him. There’s nothing wrong with starting off with a little small talk for social lubricant, but at a certain point, if you don’t cut to the chase, things get awkward.

2 - Uncomfortable with him/herself. Another way of putting this is ‘you’re as creepy as you feel.‘ Emotions are contagious. If you’re uncomfortable with yourself, other people will be uncomfortable around you.

ANTIDOTE: Become comfortable with yourself. This doesn’t happen overnight. Often the first step is to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Let people know you’re feeling nervous or awkward. The emotions that cause the most danger are the unexpressed ones, the ones that everyone feels but nobody talks about. On the other hand, walking around thinking to yourself 'don't be creepy, don't be creepy, oh crap, I'm being creepy" will definitely give you an odd vibe. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want

3 - Doesn’t treat others like people. People get the idea you don’t see them for who they are. Sometimes this means you may come off being manipulative or seeing people as a means to an end. Other times it can be more subtle, such as the man who sees a woman as a princess on a pedestal or the woman who believes her man is someone to be fixed. In both cases they are seeing the other person as a player in their own drama instead of who they are. Even if they get a good role, they still want to be more than a character in your personal story.

ANTIDOTE: Remember people are not a means to an end. Nobody owes you sex or a relationship. Interact with people for the people they are, not for the people you want them to be.

4 - Socially inappropriate. You are behaving in ways that don’t make sense in the context of the situation or that go against basic social conventions.

ANTIDOTE: The short answer is, well, to be socially appropriate--easy to say, but not so easy to do. Ways to learn social skills include doing some research, learning from others, paying attention to other people‘s reactions when you say or do certain things, and practice, practice, practice. Be aware that some people can get away with more than others in social situations. Knowing yourself and the vibe you give off is your friend here.

BONUS ANTIDOTE: If you realize you’ve said or done something inappropriate, calling yourself out on it can be a good way of breaking the tension. Most of us know what it’s like to make a social gaffe and are willing to be forgiving. Saying something as simple as “Wow, that did not come out the way I wanted it to at all,” can go a long way.

Notice that these four things are linked. As you become more comfortable with yourself, you will be less likely to hide your agenda. As you become more genuine with telling people what you want, the more comfortable with yourself you will become. Learning to express yourself in a socially appropriate way will make it easier to talk about what you want from others while still treating them as human beings.

The bottom line is being a) genuine and b) accepting of yourself and others. As you make progress on those two fronts, you might still hear the hoofbeats of the Four Horsemen of the Creepocalypse…but you will hear them becoming more and more faint as they ride further and further away.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

The Creepiness Conundrum (Part 1): The Accidental Creep

2011-03-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

I am fascinated by the label ‘creepy.’

Mostly I am fascinated by the Accidental Creeps in our midst: the decent people with good intentions that come off the wrong way.

I know a guy like this and it bugs me. He’s good-looking, well-dressed, loyal. But something about him causes people’s hairs to stand up. I can’t figure it out.

It’s hard to explain a feeling. And that’s what’s so frustrating about ‘good-faith creepiness.’ I don’t know why he give off the vibe he does. But it’s unmistakeable.

Creepiness seems to be mostly a male problem. I don’t know if it’s because women are better at being not-creepy or if we guys don’t have as finally tuned creep-radars. I’ve met creepy women, but they are unquestionably a distinct minority.

Other things I’ve noticed:

- Creepiness is often in the eye of the beholder. Some people seem to have more sensitive creep radars than other. Which to me, leads to the big tragedy of Accidental Creepers…

- A lot of creepy people don’t realize they’re being creepy. They aren’t trying to weird people out. In fact, often they have good intentions. But it happens anyway.

- There is a stigma around the word ‘creepy.’ Sometimes it's used deliberately to insult someone. But when it isn‘t, the stigma around the word means both the creepy and the creeped are often reluctant to address the subject. It’s awkward to tell someone their behavior is putting you off. But that’s the one person who most needs to know. Similarly, when the word is used to describe us, it’s hard not to react defensively or take it personally.

- Creepiness is situation specific. That is, people who don’t generally come off as creepy can give off creepy-vibe in some circumstances. Similarly, folks who often come off as creepy don’t ALWAYS come off creepy.

To me, that’s a hopeful sign.

Yes, it’s a downer to realize all of us are capable of being creepy (sometimes even without realizing it), but it also means that creepy is something people do not something that people are. Maybe it will help us move away from using the label carelessly. It might also help those of us who have had the word thrown at us keep from taking it as a reflection on us as a person.

In the end though, as with everything the power is in our hands. No one will do it for us.

Which is why in Part 2 of the Creepiness Conundrum we’re going to look at some of the behaviors that result in creepiness and antidotes to them. In the meantime, consider trying the following Practice.

PRACTICE
1 - Think about what makes a person creepy. Think of specific instances where you have been creeped out by someone else‘s behavior. How did you react? What specifically made the situation awkward? What could have made things turn out differently?

2 - Think of a time when you creeped somebody out. What happened there? Did you realize what was going on at the time? How did you feel when you realized you were being creepy? Who else was there? How did they react? How did you feel?

3 - Are there times in your life when you have felt like you were being creepy even though no one else commented on it? What were the circumstances?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Love Whether You Feel Like It Or Not

2011-03-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

My longest relationship (so far) has lasted ten months--and not even ten consecutive months at that. So take this posting with a grain of salt.

That said, in those relationships, there have been moments when I was overcome with boredom, frustration, or a nameless, but powerful feeling called This Relationship Can Never Work I Have To Get Out Of Here Right Now.

Sometimes those feelings came up for a reason: things weren’t working out. But this isn’t about those times.

I’m talking about a perfectly functional relationship in which I was perfectly happy in which all of a sudden, I felt like there was something wrong with it even though there wasn‘t.

I used to conclude from those feelings that I wasn’t with the right person. That was before I noticed that those feelings came up with EVERY woman.

I don’t know if this happens to everyone. I suspect it does happen to a lot of people. It might not happen as soon or as strongly as it does with me, but sooner or later it seems like many couples I know get to a point where one partner feels something that worries them from boredom to a vague sense of something lacking to Oh My God S/He's Smothering Me I Can't Take It Any More!

We don’t like this feelings. We don’t want to feel this feeling. We think we SHOULDN”T be feeling this feeling.

If this has happened to you or to your partner, there is nothing wrong with you. We have talked at length in other postings about how feelings come and go whether you want them or not.

The only question to be answered is, what do you want to do about it?

My opinion is love isn’t just something you feel; it’s also something you do.

And sometimes loving someone means loving them whether you feel like it or not.

It takes effort to overcome that inertia. When you’re feeling bored, uncertain, or lacking, it’s hard to offer love to someone.

But sometimes that’s exactly what you need to do.

If you want to feel loving and passionate, it helps to do loving and passionate things.

It’s tempting to wait for the other person to do something first to ‘earn’ love, but that puts you on the road to a conditional relationship (I only do X if s/he does Y) and those suckers are unstable.

Besides, you have no control over what someone else does. You can control what you do though, and often all it takes is somebody to go first to start the upward spiral.

If you’re tired after work and want nothing more than to fall into bed, make yourself stop and pick up flowers. If you’re running late in the morning, take a moment to be a bit later by leaving them a note telling them what they mean to you. Fool around a little, even when you don’t think you’re in the mood. You might be surprised to discover you ARE in the mood after all.

Love comes from love. Get into the habit of sowing it and you will be delighted at what you reap.

PRACTICE
The next time you’re feeling unloved or alone, do something loving for somebody else. Call a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Take the time to appreciate a partner, family member, or even a co-worker or strangers. See what happens and notice how you feel afterwards.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

The People That Believe In Us

2011-03-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

There are people out there who believe in you.

They might be friends or family. They may be acquaintances or even strangers. It’s likely you haven’t met some of them yet.

But they’re out there.

You are going to need those people. They will help you. They will support you. They will be there in the darkest times.

Remember them.

PRACTICE

Make a list of the people you can count on. Make a point of getting in touch with everyone on that list and letting them know what they mean to you.

It’s possible that there are people out there who don’t have anyone who believes in them. I’d like to take this moment to say I believe in you. So put my name down. Email me if you don't believe me.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Link

2011-03-16T08:17:00.000-07:00

Good article here.

It's mostly aimed at men, but women can get some good stuff out of it too.

Been Rejected Lately?

2011-03-15T09:29:00.001-07:00

Been rejected lately?

Congratulations.

Rejection sucks, but there’s one great thing about it.

Being rejected means you’re putting yourself out there.

Way to go.

Keep it up. You're well on your way.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

The Mountain

2011-03-08T08:41:00.001-08:00

Sometimes it’s like travelling a road that winds around a mountain.

There are moments it feels like you’re going in circles. You look over see the same scenery.

What‘s going on? you ask yourself. I thought I was past this part. I’m walking and walking, but not getting anywhere.

Look again.

The path winds around the mountain, but it is also going upward. Sure each time you come around, the scenery looks similar, but if you pay close attention, you’ll notice you’re seeing it from a slightly different angle.

Sometimes you come around to the same scenery. Sometimes you may find yourself cut off and needing to backtrack or descend before you start moving up again.

It doesn’t matter. That’s still progress.

Keep climbing.

There are a lot of us on this mountain and we all need each other.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

The Self-Taught Lover: How To Teach Yourself To Be Awesome At Sex

2011-03-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

“Oh man,” a girlfriend once told me, “I wish I had a penis.”

Perhaps a little context is in order. Allow me to provide some.

We were talking about sex. I had just finished informing her on interesting things about erection, ejaculation, and orgasm and how unlike both love and marriage and a horse and carriage, it is indeed possible to have one (or even two) of the three without the other.

A man can ejaculate without feeling an orgasm. He can also orgasm without an erection. Less common is the ability to have an orgasm without ejaculating, but it's happened to me and others.

She didn’t know those things. Which isn’t a reflection on her at all.

Good sex requires both education and experience.

Unfortunately, education and experience aren’t as easy to come by as you might think. There’s a lot of misinformation out there and even the good books often leave things out. All of this makes education harder.

Similarly, experience doesn’t come just from a lot of sex. You also have to be willing to experiment, to pay attention to your partner and yourself, to notice what is working and what isn‘t, and be willing to admit you don’t know everything.

Oh yeah, and you have to be able to communicate.

It sounds like an awful lot of work. But it isn't, because it's also a lot of fun.

If you aren't having fun, nothing above will help you. If you're having trouble enjoying sex, drop everything and just focus on having a good time before worrying about anything I talked about above.

And if you find yourself constantly not enjoying sex...well there are a lot of reasons people can have trouble with sex from problems in the relationship, past trauma, health problems or...well, anything. It's relatively common, but it won't get better until you stop and take a look at what's happening in your life.

Most people don’t know as much about sex as they think they do. For me, the more I learn, the more I discover I don't know.

But I keep learning, although in fairness, I’m a giant nerd about sex, dating, and relationships. Of course, I’ve found being a giant nerd about such things has paid off immeasurably in my personal life.

You might not have the information yet. You might not have the right experience.

But you can have the right attitude--a desire to find out what works for you and your partner(s) present and future, a willingness not to put too much pressure on yourself, and, oh yeah, that having fun thing we talked about earlier.

Once you’ve got that attitude a lot of the rest falls into place--whether you have a penis or not.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

With Each Other, At Each Other...Who Cares? Just Laugh

2011-02-15T08:32:00.001-08:00

Over the weekend my sister told me about her husband: "We laugh at each other all the time. The couple that can laugh at each other stays together."

Not advice you hear all the time, but maybe there's something to it.

I may have more to say about this later. For now, Happy Post-Valentine's Day everyone. If you're wondering about the lack of updates, it's because I am currently back in school.

It's turning out to be more work than I expected. Who knew?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Come One, Come All

2011-01-31T13:26:00.001-08:00

To the Heart Way meeting tomorrow evening.

email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com for details.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Next Tuesday Is the Next Heart Way Meeting

2011-01-28T09:36:00.000-08:00

Email to register.

I'll be out of town most of the weekend, but will be checking email periodically.

Details for the meeting are here.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Beyond Right and Wrong

2011-01-25T12:32:00.000-08:00

"There is a field out beyond right and wrong. I will meet you there."
-Rumi

If you’ve read my last two posts, you’ll have noticed a pattern.

Making yourself right is a problem. Labelling yourself wrong is a problem.

So then, wise guy, I hear you ask. How are we suppose to deal with conflict?

And the answer is: Let them know where you’re at. And open yourself up to where they are.

It’s a simple two step process. You A) Tell them what is going on and B) Invite feedback.

Here are some examples:

"I can’t see myself continuing in a relationship without some kind of commitment. Where are you at?

“I’ve known you for two minutes, and I can tell I want to know more about you. Let’s go sit over there where it’s quieter.”

“I’ve had a good time tonight and I don’t want it to end. How would you feel about coming back to my place and checking out my collection of Nigerian spam emails?”

We’ve talked about the Opposites before. Dating is full of opposites, but is also about moving beyond the Opposites.

No more I am right; you are wrong.

No more I am bad; you are good.

Get yourself on the same page: “This is where I am. This is where you are.”

And then, the interesting question.

What happens next?

PRACTICE

1 - Think of a conflict in your life where you are thinking in terms of right or wrong. It can be a conflict with a specific person (“Bethany’s crazy”), a specific group of people (“Women are crazy”) or even yourself (“I’m crazy for falling for these crazy women all the time”).

Can you rethink this conflict so that it isn’t about right or wrong but where you are and where the other person is? What happens when you do this?

2 - Practice communicating where you are and what you want and then asking where the other person is at.

Here are a couple practice situations.

- Your feelings about when to have sex

- How much independence you expect to have in a relationship

- Where you stand on dating more than one person at the same time

Now try it in real life with the people around you.

Feel free to post yours in the comments section or email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com for help.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Thinking You Are Always Wrong.

2011-01-20T11:07:00.001-08:00

There are few things more infuriating than a person who thinks they are always right. When that person is you...well, we talked about that issue recently.

But what about a person who always thinks they`re in the wrong?

For some of us--including myself--this is a seductive position. When you beat up on yourself, other people are more likely to be sympathetic. You can cloak yourself in victim hood. And as long as you are always wrong, you can always count on having someone close at hand to blame.

Unfortunately, as nice as those things are, none of them will lead you towards happiness.

Kudos to you for remaining open to the possibility of being mistaken. That’s an admirable thing.

Do remember though, being aware that you might be wrong is not the same thing as believing that you are wrong.

Maybe you’re wrong; maybe you aren’t. Maybe you’re in a position where there is no clear cut right or wrong.

What we want to pay attentio to is thoughts like:

I shouldn’t feel this way
Or…

I’m a bad person for wanting X.

Those thoughts are not helpful. They come up and there's no point pretending they aren't there, but it IS important to recognize they are thoughts. They aren't necessarily facts.

Even if you are wrong, that doesn’t mean you deserve unhappiness or need to be punished. You are allowed to want what you want, regardless of whether it is something you think you ‘should‘ want.

You are allowed to be wrong. You are allowed to make mistakes. You can’t learn without them, so celebrate those mistakes when you find them.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Get Ready For Valentine's Day WIth The Heart Way

2011-01-17T12:59:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day isn't always chocolate and roses. For some of us it can mean a lot of stress.

Fortunately, this special Valentine's Day Meeting of the Heart Way will talk about exactly that.

Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday February 1
WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room - Edmonton

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Tomorrow Is The Big Day

2011-01-10T12:06:00.000-08:00

For the first Heart Way meeting of the year.

There's still a couple spots left so don't be left out.

Details are here.

Five Days Until The Heart Way Meeting.

2011-01-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

Ready to kick in the New Year with a better dating life?

Decided you want to improve where you are with your relationship this year?

The Heart Way's next Edmonton meeting is next Tuesday and there is still limited space available.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday, January 11
WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room - Edmonton

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Looking to Online Date?

2011-01-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

Someone was kind enough to pass this article along. It's on choosing a site for online dating.

Hope you find it helfpul.

I'm flirting with the idea of posting links to articles on other sites, whether it's advice, relationship humor, or just stuff I found interesting.

We shall see.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

It Doesn’t Matter Whether Or Not You Are Right

2011-01-04T11:04:00.000-08:00

I’ve touched on this before.

Be careful when you think you’re right.

You make all kinds of mistakes when you think you have the moral high ground. People use being “in the right” to justify some nasty behaviours.

Besides, sometimes, you might not be as right as you think you are.

Even if you are exactly right, that doesn’t guarantee things working out. And it isn’t an excuse for

How you act is just as important as why you act.

Decide what is most important to you.

Decide which battles to fight. There are things in this world worth fighting for. But not EVERYTHING--especially in a relationship--is one of those things.

Beware of being blinded by the belief you are always right. There’s only one other thing as dangerous.

Believing you are always wrong.

We’ll tackle that next article.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

If Your New Year's Resolution Is To Improve Your Love Life...

2010-12-30T10:18:00.001-08:00

Check out The Heart Way.

It's helped many others. It can help you too.

The Heart Way is a support group for anyone looking to improve their love life. Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday, January 11 & Tuesday, February 1
WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room - Edmonton

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

2010-12-20T11:03:00.001-08:00

I have mixed feelings about this time of the year.

I love the family time, the feeling of satisfaction of finding the perfect gift for someone, and oh yes, the food.

I also find it stressful.

Judging from the lives of the people around me, I'm not alone.

Holidays and romantic relationships can also combine for a lot of stress from the balancing act between keeping two families happy, to being the only one without a partner at Christmas dinner again and everything in between.

I don't know how much posting I'll be doing over the next two weeks, so I encourage you take the time you'd normally have spend clicking on this blog to do something for a loved one, or even a stranger, or even (gasp!) yourself. I will be checking in on emails at thegatewayboyfriend's gmail address, though I may take a little longer to reply than normal. Gateway Boyfriends need holidays too.

This can be a wonderful time of year if you let it. It can also be a difficult time of year if you let it. It can even be a little bit of both.

Do the best you can, appreciate the good, and remember you aren't alone.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

2011 Heart Way Meeting Dates

2010-12-16T09:57:00.000-08:00

The Heart Way is a support group for anyone looking to improve their love life. Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday, January 11 & Tuesday, February 1
WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room - Edmonton

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

University of Kansas Flirting Survey

2010-12-15T14:31:00.000-08:00

What's your flirt style?

Find out here.

Have fun

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

A Reminder

2010-12-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

Remember your sense of humor.

- May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Commitment (Part 2)

2010-12-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

Driving in the dark is dangerous and scary.

But in relationships, there is no other choice. It doesn’t matter if you’ve just met or have been married for years. You can never know the road ahead.

It goes a lot easier though, if you turn on the headlights. You might not be able to see what’s around the next curve, but at least you have a view of what’s directly in front of you.

We like to minimize uncertainty in relationships. When it comes to commitment, we can know our own minds and hearts. Unfortunately, we can’t know the mind and heart of our partner, which leads to the eternal question.

“How do I know if they are committed to me?”

Here is a five step process, you might find helpful.

1 - Watch their behaviour. A lot of people are good at saying the right things, but behaviour does not lie. Watch what they do. If they are committed, you will see it. If they are shying away, you will see it. If they are ambivalent--committed one day and pulling away the next--it will be apparent.

How someone behaves is a great starting point. However it doesn’t tell us what is BEHIND the behavior. So how do we find this out?

Well, the obvious thing to do is to ask. But that isn’t the next step.

2 - Let them know where you are. The best way to get someone to open up to us is to open up to them first. Let them know how you are feeling, what you notice, where things are going for you.

The trick with this is to ONLY talk about yourself and to be specific. For example:

NOT SO HELPFUL: “You don’t seem to be committed to me. You’re never there when I need you.”

HELPFUL: “I really like you, but I’m unsure about where things are going. Yesterday, I thought we had plans, so when I didn’t hear from you, I was confused.”

NOT SO HELPFUL: “You’re getting too attached. Stop being so clingy.”

HELPFUL: “I’ve been feeling these days, like I need more space. I’m not sure I’m ready for something super-serious.”

3 - After you’ve said your piece, wait for them to respond. Often, you won’t have to ask them anything. Just saying what’s on your mind is enough to open the conversation. If they don’t say anything, change the subject, or seem to miss the point, return to step 2 and then…

4 - Ask for feedback. Good ways to do this are “What do you think?” “I‘m wondering how you feel about that,” or “Can you tell me what was happening there?”

A less good way might be: “Why are you such an asshole/crazy bitch?”

5 - Go back to Step 1 and notice how what they tell you measures up with their behavior. If the words and behavior don’t match, go through the cycle again.

That said, don’t get lost in the steps. This process really only needs two ingredients.

The first is a willingness and ability to express yourself honestly.
The second is trust [link]. Trust the other person to be themselves, and to let you know what you need to know from them, whether it comes verbally or not. Trust yourself to be able to read those signs.

Good luck. Hope this profides a little light for the next time you're driving in the dark.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

The Hips Don't Lie

2010-12-06T11:40:00.001-08:00

I attended a reggaeton dancing workshop yesterday through the fine people at Salsaddiction. It was fun.

Most of my posts are about the mental and emotional components to better lovin', but there's a physical component to love as well. I've touched on it in a few articles so far.

Remember your body. The better you learn to pay attention to it, the better of you'll be. You'll feel better about yourself, you'll be better in bed, and you'll be more attractive.

You don't need to turn into one of those excercise fanatics (though you can if you wan to) and I'm not saying you can't find love unless you look like these people.

I'm saying do what you can with what you have. Don't be less than the best you that you can be--whatever that means.

And stay tuned for part 2 of our look at commitment which will be up later in the week.

PRACTICE
Take some time today to experiment with your hips and pelvis. Move them around in circles, back and forth side-to-side. Here's a YouTube clip I found if you want somewhere to start courtesy of Expert Village. Play with that for the rest of the week.

How do you feel? What are you noticing about your body?

Throughout the next week or two, keep working with your hips. Add your chest and shoulders if you like. After a week or so, do you notice any changes?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out Dan's writing on relationships at thegatewayboyfriend.blogspot.com and learn how to get Dan's DATING FOR SHY GUYS book.

First Heart Way meeting of 2011 is January 11 at Woodcroft Library. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail for registration.

Commitment (Part 1)

2010-12-02T15:40:00.000-08:00

Commitment is a strange thing.

One person refuses to commit, jumping from one partner to the next. Another over-commits, devoting themselves to someone so completely they drive that person away.

Some people say they are frightened of commitment. Some people commit too quickly.

They are symptoms of the same problem--a fundamental misunderstanding about what commitment is and how it works.

It’s a word. The only meaning it has is the meaning we give it. For some of us, it’s terrifying. It fills our heads with thoughts of being shackled, suffocated, and grounded. For another it’s the holy grail of relationship, the lighthouse that guides us home.

But it’s just a word.

Looking for commitment is looking for something that exists only in our own mind. Committing is holding ourselves to our own standards. It’s good to know what those standards are. It’s even better to live up to them.

But that’s not commitment. That’s YOU.

Don’t look for commitment. Don’t look to commit. Don’t look at words.

Look at what is HAPPENING.

Relationships follow a path of their own. You don’t need to decide where that path leads. All you have to do is answer one question.

“How do I feel about things right now?”

Ask that question and keep asking it. Ask it when that first message appears in the inbox of your internet dating site. Ask it when the handsome stranger asks you for your number.

Ask it before you have sex with someone. Ask it after you’ve spent six months, a year, five years, or fifty together.

If you are comfortable now, you do not have to stop seeing someone because you have fears about the future.

If you are feeling doubts even though you can‘t put your figure on why, you do not have to go ‘all in’ because you’re afraid this chance will never happen again.

Commitment tends to happen naturally as the relationship evolves. If the relationship needs to end, you will know. If you want the relationship to continue, you will know.

Trust yourself.

Don’t worry about committing or from running away from commitment.

If you are going to make a commitment, commit to trusting your own judgement.

Sometimes, it’s the only commitment you need.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

NEXT: Thanks to this article, you’ve got a grand new attitude towards commitment . Our next installment is dedicated to another commitment cwestion--er--question: “How do I know when someone is committed to me?”

Check out Dan's writing on relationships at thegatewayboyfriend.blogspot.com and learn how to get Dan's DATING FOR SHY GUYS book.

First Heart Way meeting of 2011 is January 11 at Woodcroft Library. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail for registration.

What Happened?

2010-11-30T10:37:00.001-08:00

Over the weekend, I had two separate conversations with two different people about the same phenomenon.

“I went out with this girl/boy for a month. Everything seemed to be going fine. All of a sudden, s/he decided s/he wasn’t into it any more. What happened?”

What happened? they ask. But having experienced this myself I know that isn’t the real question.

The real question is the one that keeps us up at night, whether or not we dare ask it aloud or even acknowledge its presence.

The real question is: “What did I do wrong?”

What did I do wrong? Possibly nothing. There are many many reasons a person might lose interest, none of which you are responsible for. Maybe s/he isn’t that into you. Maybe you’re not that into them, even though you might not consciously realize it. It’s possible the other person believes you aren’t compatible in the long term. Maybe that person is a jerk or frightened of their own feelings or thinks they are too good for you or thinks you are to good for them or any of a thousand things. Maybe they are wise for ending things or maybe they are making a mistake.

You may never know.

Whatever the reason, they got what they thought they needed from you and now believe it‘s time to move on. Not every relationship lasts forever. There are other, better ways to measure the quality of a relationship besides its longevity.

You can never know for sure what is happening with another person or why. There’s also no way you can control a relationship.

But there are people who try. Most of us do it, at least to a degree. Sometimes we do it strategically; other times we don’t know we’re doing it. But it can cause problems.

Here are three counterproductive strategies I’ve seen people pursue.

1 - Attaching yourself to them too tightly.
Ahh, the dreaded clinginess. It’s become a cliché, but clichés become clichés for a reason. We get uncomfortable when we get the sense someone is more attached to us than we are to them. When we feel the pressure of being responsible for another person’s feelings, we often feel the urge to pull away.

Most of us know about this intellectually. But when so many songs, stories, and movies celebrate “I-Can’t-Live-Without-You-it is,” it’s easy to find yourself pulled under without even realizing it.

2 - Making them chase you.
Or as I like to call it, Reverse-Clinginess, because a large percentage of people who use this approach, are doing it because they’re familiar with the dangers of clinginess.

If pulling someone in doesn’t work, they figure, why not push them away? Make them chase us. The thrill of the hunt is irresistible, right? It also has the benefit of looking like a great way of protecting oneself from being hurt.

Unfortunately, the chase is only irresistible if there is the possibility of a catch. Romance is about tension and release, push AND pull.

There aren’t a lot of people who will chase indefinitely. If you make a promise,you will be expected, at some point, to deliver.

3 - The Double-Edged Sword of Expectation Management.
A thrid, even MORE advanced strategy is that of managing expectations. Of course when we talk about "managing" expectations, we typically mean "keeping them low."

Keep it casual. Only call/see the other person a couple times a week. Let them know you’re seeing other people, and encourage them to do the same.

This is a good strategy if you really ARE interested in short-term hookups. It’s effective, honest, and doesn’t make any promises it won’t deliver.

The thing to remember is casual is a two-way street. By keeping things casual, you also make yourself replaceable. The more you keep expectations low, the more disposable you are.

If you set things up for a short-term relationship, don’t be surprised when you get what you asked for.

Relationships have a natural ebb and flow, and love has a wisdom of its own. It comes and goes as needed, naturally and unforced. It isn’t necessary to help it along. All that is necessary is to trust and get out of its way.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out Dan's writing on relationships at thegatewayboyfriend.blogspot.com and learn how to get Dan's DATING FOR SHY GUYS book.

First Heart Way meeting of 2011 is January 11 at Woodcroft Library. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail for registration.

On Offical Studies and Self-Deprecating Humor

2010-11-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

Since I was part of the article discussing the studies on self-deprecating humor (if anyone has links to that actual studies, I'd love to see them), I thought I'd add a couple more comments I made that didn't make the article.

Studies tend to measure the big picture, not what works for any one couple. So if 58% of succesful couples wear matching pyjama bottoms that doesn't mean your relationship is doomed if you and yours don't share the same taste in flannel. 42% of couples from are still doing fine.

You are your own authority on what works for you. Do not do what works for 52% of the popuation. Have the relationship that makes YOU happy.

On self-deprecating humor in particular, I'm not about to say whether people should or shouldn't use it. Here, though, are some bullet points.

-There's two types of people who use self-deprecating humor. People with the confidence to laugh at themselves and people who really believe their own put-downs.

-The thing with self-deprecating humor in a social situation is, a little goes along way. Used sparingly it shows confidence. But too much wears a crowd out.

-If we're self-conscious about something about our romantic partner, sometimes we like to pretend to ourselves it isn't there. And so when they bring it up, especially in public, it's upsetting because they're making it hard to ignore.

-When girlfriends hear me tell a self-deprecating joke, the question going through her head is "is he being funny or does he believe what he's saying about himself?"

-I've never had a woman be embarassed about self-deprecating humor as much as angry, like, "hey, knucklehead. I believe in you. Believe in yourself. When you put yourself down, you're saying I made a bad choice in going out with you. I believe in you and when you put yourself down, you're hiding those great qualities that I think the world deserves to see."

-In fairness, it is tough to deal with. I dated a woman who often made jokes at her own expense and I would get frustrated. If anybody else said something mean about my girlfriend, I'd leap to her defense. But what do you do when she's saying mean things to herself?

-Some of us also have a tendency to use self-deprecating humour as a pre-emptive strike to skate out of conflict. Either the other person laughs at our joke or they hold back on what they wanted to say for fear of piling on. Unfortunately, it also means the issue doesn't get dealt with and that leads to a bigger blow-up down the road.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out Dan's writing on relationships at thegatewayboyfriend.blogspot.com and learn how to get Dan's DATING FOR SHY GUYS book.

First Heart Way meeting of 2011 is January 11 at Woodcroft Library. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail for registration.

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: The Gateway Boyfriend Makes The News--sort of

2010-11-22T12:03:00.000-08:00

What do you know? The Gateway Boyfriend and his humble support group got a mention in the local paper for an article about love and self-deprecating humour.

And I'm wearing my sweet, sweet Transformers shirt in the picture.

"For Love and Self-Deprecating Humour" should be on my family coat-of-arms.

Article is here.

Check out Dan's writing on relationships at thegatewayboyfriend.blogspot.com and learn how to get Dan's DATING FOR SHY GUYS book.

First Heart Way meeting of 2011 is January 11 at Woodcroft Library. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail for registration.

Don't Try To Control Your Feelings

2010-11-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

Some scientists believe feelings are evolutionarily designed to be expressed and shared with other human beings

Grief, for example, lets people around us know we need comfort. Expressing fear alerts others to danger. Love lets people know that…well, that they are loved.

I am not one to argue with science, not even unconfirmed science. At least not when it agrees with what I already believe.

Feelings aren’t meant to be hidden.

We tend to think of feelings as our own. They aren’t. They come and go in their own time and in their own ways. More importantly, they are universal. Feelings are the currency of human connection.

Don’t turn them away. Don’t try to cling to them. Don’t try and keep them from others.

Trying to keep a feeling from someone else is refusing to give. Turning away from someone else’s feelings is refusing to receive.

You can control your behavior. But let your feelings be. Let them ebb and flow in their own time, according to their own wisdom.

PRACTICE

Consider the following questions.

How often are you aware of what you are feeling? How do you feel about the idea of letting people know how you feel? Under what circumstances are you most able to express yourself? When are you likely to hold yourself back?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Games Brains Play

2010-11-15T09:08:00.001-08:00

The other night, I imagined myself suffocating to death, which admittedly makes for a grim opening sentence, but bear with me.

It was hot. The window was closed. I was lying on my stomach, thinking about gas leaks and wondering if it would be silly of me to open a window when I remembered a novel I read years ago about a guy who faked his own death and had himself buried alive with oxygen tanks to keep himself alive, only his wife double-crossed him and replaced the oxygen in the tanks with nitrous oxide.

I hadn’t thought of that novel in years.

After I opened the window and returned to bed, two things struck me about the human brain.

1 - The brain will go to any lengths to be helpful.

2 - There are times the brain is an idiot.

In my case, as soon as my brain heard me thinking ‘suffocation’ it immediately searched through the vault to find helpful information. What it came up was the premise of a thriller novel I read fifteen years ago.

We do this in other situations as well. Whatever situation you find yourself facing, your brain will search through your history looking for whatever it can find on the subject.

Unfortunately, this can sometimes be counterproductive. If the question in your mind is ‘why am I such a colossal failure at romance?’ for example, your brain will immediately start remembering other romantic failures in your life, dropping them at your feet and then wagging its tail like a puppy waiting to be petted. Look! I found a bunch of other times you failed! Now you can sift through them for clues! Aren’t I wonderful?”

When you’re already feeling miserable, the last thing we need is reminders of why we should be even more unhappy.

Not everything your brain tells you is true or even accurate.

Your brain is like a two-year old trying to make you breakfast in bed. The good intention is there. The ability…slightly less so. The result is sometimes messy.

And just like a child, the answer is not to punish your brain for doing its best. You give it a hug, say thank you, and then provide the guidance it needs to learn.

PRACTICE

For the rest of this week, spend a few moments each morning paying attention to your thoughts. You don’t have to believe, disbelieve, evaluate, or judge them. For now, all you want to do is notice what sorts of things you are telling yourself.

What comes up for you?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Remembrance Day

2010-11-11T07:07:00.001-08:00

Today in Canada is Remembrance Day where we take a moment to remember the sacrifice of those who fought and died for us.

I know there are a few military folks who read this blog, so I wanted to take this time to tip my hat to you.

Thanks for everything you do.

-May All Beings Remember

Six Things I Noticed About Screwing Up

2010-11-10T08:50:00.000-08:00

I am annoyed with myself right now, and I’ll tell you why.

On the bus (Gateway Boyfriends believe in public transit) to the Heart Way meeting last night (Thanks to all who came out and made the last 2010 meeting a success--watch this space for 2011 dates), I struck up a conversation with an attractive young lass. We talked about travel, religion, and what I did for a living.

What I didn’t do was give her a Gateway Boyfriend business card or promote the Heart Way group.

I am unhappy with myself for that. I KNOW darn well I need to work harder at promoting myself. It doesn’t come naturally to me, but it’s hard to help people when they have no idea who you are or what you do.

But it also reminded me of dating a little bit. Because this is not the firs time I have kicked myself for not doing the things I believed I should be doing.

If I saw an attractive woman, I’d be angry that I didn’t initiate a conversation.

If I initiated a conversation, I’d get flustered at myself when I ran out of things to say.

If I saw an attractive woman, initiated a conversation, had a nice talk, and then didn’t ask for her phone number, I’d get annoyed.

In short, it didn’t matter what I did, I always believed I should have done more.

I’m not the only person who has dealt with this. I heard similar stories when I taught Dating for Shy Guys, over emails, at the group, and even from friends and family.

If you’ve ever found yourself in a similar situation, here are six things to consider.

1 - You are not the only person in the world who has done this. Not all of us are great promoters. Not all of us are natural social butterflies. Making mistakes, being inexperienced or even not having natural strengths in certain areas of your life doesn’t make you inadequate; it makes you human. We all just do the best we can.

2 - It’s not the end of the world. Many of us have made mistakes, and most of us are still here and kicking.

3 - Beating yourself up rarely does any good. Sometimes it feels helpful because it’s possible to convince oneself that feeling really really bad about something is the same as making an effort to fix the situation, but it isn’t. Don’t be fooled.

4 - Sometimes you will beat yourself up anyway. Hey, we’re all human. Forgive yourself for this too.

5- Failure is actually a good sign. Mistakes happen to people who put themselves out there. And people who keep putting themselves out there and learn from their failures eventually reap the rewards.

6 - A mistake doesn’t negate progress or cancel out the good things you did. Not getting a stranger’s phone number after a good conversation does not take away from the fact that you approached and had a conversation with a total stranger. It does not erase the good things you’ve done. So hold your head high and remember your progress as well as your mistakes.

PRACTICE

The next time you make a mistake, notice the way you treat yourself. Does this help you do better next time? Is there something different you can try? Do different types of mistakes cause you to react differently? What happens?

What can you take from these observations?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Heart Way Meeting Tonight & Updates For the Week

2010-11-09T12:01:00.000-08:00

Today: Found a hole in the butt of my jeans.
Saturday: Bungee jumped for the first time.
Last Thursday: Dawn demonstrated her elk call in a loud bar which caused the bouncer and waitress to run over an look at me suspiciously.

Tonight: Heart Way Meeting.

See You There

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Five More Days...

2010-11-04T09:19:00.001-07:00

...until the next Heart Way meeting.

email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com for questions and registration. Yes, it's free.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

No Good Men/Women Out There? I Don't See It

2010-11-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

As I write this, it’s 6:40 in the evening.

I've had a full day.

The thing I’ve noticed is just how many people are out there. It’s easy to miss them. Here in the city we get so caught up in The Very Impotant Things We Have To Do Today that we miss them.

But they’re there. On the bus. On the street. On the internet. In the stores.

The world is full of wonderful people.

Sometimes I hear people say there are no good men/women out there.

I look around and I don’t know what they’re talking about.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Diary Of A Gateway Boyfriend: Halloween Post

2010-10-31T17:19:00.000-07:00

Saw a 4 year old dressed as a firefighter this halloween. Which was appropriate because his mom was SMOKIN'

Lines like these are why I'm the Gateway Boyfriend, folks. Do not try this kind of awesomeness at home.

In other news, my girlfriend has decided next year she wants a dog costume with black robes, a powdered wig and a gavel so she can go as a "judgmental bitch."

She's also pretty awesome.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Next Heart Way Meeting (FINAL MEETING OF 2010)

2010-10-26T09:01:00.001-07:00

The Heart Way is a support group for anyone looking to improve their love life. Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday, November 9
WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room - Edmonton

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Practice: I Want Candy

2010-10-25T14:50:00.000-07:00

A good part of relationships with other people is learning to express what you want.

There are different ways to do this.

Let’s say for example, you wanted some candy. How many ways can you think of to express your desire.

“I want candy.”

“Is that candy over there?”

“I’m in the mood for something sweet.”

“May I have some candy?”

“I’d love some candy.”

“Is there anything unhealthy to eat around here?”

“Does anybody have candy?”

“I’d love to share some candy with you.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Let’s get some candy.”

“What does a person have to do in this joint to get some candy?”

“Gimme some candy, sugar.”

What other ways can you find? Take some of the results into your own life by experimenting with different ways of expressing yourself . What do you notice?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Why Did I Create The Heart Way Support Group?

2010-10-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

The final Heart Way meeting of 2010 is Tuesday, November 9.

A few people have asked me why I started the group.

Good question. The answer is stunningly unsurprising.

It started because of a girl.

In December of 09, I had a hard break-up. I’ll spare the details. They aren‘t all that exciting or dramatic. It was a break-up--no worse (and in some ways a lot better) than any other, but for whatever reason it hit me harder than most.

I don’t know why I had such a hard time after the break-up, and maybe I never will. Grief is funny like that, I‘ve learned. It never quite hits you the way you expect at the time you expect.

This one was a bad one. I was prepared for the emotions, but not the intensity of them or the way they would come out of nowhere like a storm out of clear blue sky, swamping me just when I thought I had made it to still waters.

It was the most excruciating few months of my life.

Yet in another way, it was also one of the best.

Because in that time, a time in which I felt unable to help myself, people were there for me. Friends and family. Co-workers. Lovers past and present. Even complete strangers.

It was humbling. I had nothing to offer them in return…and still they were there.

The Heart Way is my opportunity to give something back, to be there for others the way others were there for me.

It’s a chance to be in the room with other folks, men and women, young and old. Single, married, divorced, widowed, or anything in between. It’s a chance to look into another person’s eyes, to hear their voice, maybe feel their hand on your shoulder and realize that we have more in common that we might at first think.

I don’t care if one person shows up. I don’t care if twenty people show up.

If nobody shows up...that’s fine too.

For me, in some ways, who comes isn’t the point. The point is being there.

I believe everybody deserves a happy romantic life. And I will do my part to help.

Next meeting is November 9 at Woodcroft library.

My email is thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com

If you need somebody, that’s where I will be.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

BS Dating Advice: “You’re Trying Too Hard.”

2010-10-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

According to popular wisdom, there is no dating sin more heinous than the dreaded Trying-Too-Hard.

If that’s true, then I was a textbook case.

I went out at least once a day, determined to talk to strangers. I made little missions for myself: Pay a compliment to the first five attractive women I saw. Learn more about fashion and go shopping twice a month. Try new foods. Travel. Message ladies on the internet. Do something new and just a little bit uncomfortable.

And the biggest thing of all…

“If you have nothing better to do, go out.”

I have mixed feelings about the trying-too-hard Dan from those days. I look back on him with a mixture of admiration and embarrassment. I cringe remembering some of the things he did, but if he hadn’t been brave enough to try, I wouldn’t be who I am now.

As it happens, I like the man I‘ve become.

The women seem to like him too. I’ve had more success with women in the last five years than the previous thirty and change combined.

If I had to point to one thing that made the difference it would be that I made a point of doing at least one thing each day that took me in the direction of where I wanted to go.

Not reading about doing things. Not talking to others about how I was going to change.

But doing something.

I didn’t get results right away. Sometimes when I DID get results, they were the kind of results that let me know in no uncertain terms “never do that again.” And sometimes the results I got seemed to have no connection to the changes I was making.

Yes, there were times I tried too hard. It took me a while to learn when to push and when to dial back and let life come to me.

But, especially if you’re just starting out, there is something worse out there than trying too hard.

Not trying at all.

People ask what they have to do to achieve success in dating.

I say, it doesn’t matter so long as you’re doing something.

You don’t need to be obsessive over it to the point of creeping people out or letting it take over your life, but consistent effort will pay off over time.

Trust me. I would know.

PRACTICE

What is one thing you can do RIGHT NOW to make yourself feel like you are a step towards being the person you want to be? It doesn’t have to be a big thing, but it does have to be something you can do immediately. It can be as big as making a phone call you’ve been putting off or as small as making your bed or doing a set of push-ups.

Do this Practice every day. Notice how you feel.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

A Reminder

2010-10-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

I often forget to say something important.

I am a support for people who aren’t where they want to be in their relationships. They’re going through a break-up. They’re having trouble hooking up. Or something in their current relationship isn’t going as well as it should.

I am constantly writing about and hearing about problems.

What I often forget to talk about are the times when everything is fine.

Which is a shame, because the good times deserve as much attention as the challenging ones. Perhaps more, because they are so often taken for granted.

Those transcendent moments aren’t predictable. You don’t know when they come or how long they will last. Sometimes you’ll have weeks of bliss. Other times, it’s just a fraction of a second.

There are the ones that happen in context of dating. Holding hands . Seeing the way she looks at you. Even exchanging a smile with a stranger and that flash of connection.

But they can happen even if you don’t yet have the life you want. Maybe you’re single and not exactly loving it. Perhaps you’re struggling to get over a break-up. You may be asking yourself questions about the relationship you‘re currently in.

Yet even when we feel we‘re drowning, we still find slivers of breath. A stranger does us an unexpected kindness. A phone call of support from a friend. Even something as small as a good meal, a piece of music, or just an unexplained moment where you find yourself thinking, You know what? Things are okay. Things are exactly as they should be.

Those moments are real, and they are to be treasured. Drink them in.

Remember them. Give them the attention they deserve.

I will try to do the same.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

COMING SOON: Another installment of BS Dating advice and a big question answered about the Heart Way Support Group.

Have A Great Weekend

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Paging Dr. Love

2010-10-12T08:40:00.001-07:00

The first step in medicine is diagnosis. There is a lot of medicine in the world, but medicine only works if it is applied in the right way and the right amount for the right problem. Removing an appendix won’t help if the problem is heart disease.

In the same way, the better you are at accurately diagnosing where the problems are in your love life, the more likely it is you can strengthen things for yourself.

Take this statement. “I can’t meet any good guys/women.”

Is the problem a lack of guys/women or is the problem a lack of GOOD guys/women? If it’s the former, the solution is to meet more people. If it’s the latter, there could be a number of things going on from unrealistic expectations to the way the person is going about dating.

But maybe that isn’t what’s going on either. What if the problem is “MEETING.’ Is the person seeing people they like but too shy to approach them? Are they working an odd schedule or living in an area where there are simply not enough available candidates of the preferred sex to go around?

Or maybe none of those things is the problem. Maybe the person just believes the statement “I can’t meet any good guys/women” so whole-heartedly that they aren’t able to see evidence to the contrary when it’s right in front of their face.

Now, it doesn’t really matter what the problem is. Everyone has problems. The specific challenge that shows up in your life isn't a reflection of your worth as a person. It's simply the hand you've been dealt.

There is nothing wrong with you for having problems. Problems are not a big deal. We don’t focus on them so we can beat ourselves up or pass judgement. We focus on them because we need to know the situation before we take steps to address it.

PRACTICE

Take a look at the following statements. Come up with as many different possible diagnoses and a possible remedy for each.

- I’d ask her out, but I don’t know how.

- Our relationship isn’t the same as it used to be.

-I need him to show how much he loves me.

What did you notice?

Now take a problem from your own romantic life and give it the same treatment. Has your perspective changed? If so, how?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Gratitude

2010-10-09T14:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend is Canadian thanksgiving, and since I am Canadian, I will be stuffing myself with Canadian turkey while watching American football tomorrow.

As a kid, thanksgiving wasn't much of a holiday. Not compared to Halloween (which had candy), my birthday (which had presents), or Christmas (which had candy AND presents).

Nowadays, I appreciate Thanksgiving more.

A day devoted to gratitude?

That's something I can get behind.

PRACTICE

What are you grateful for? Are there ways you can show that gratitude in the way you live your life?

Give it a try and see what happens.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Heart Way Meeting Update

2010-10-06T09:25:00.001-07:00

I announced this at the meeting, but for those of you weren't there.

November 9 will be the last Heart Way meeting of the year.

You can still reach me by email at thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com should anything come up for you.

Blog postings shall continue on the regular schedule.

See you in the New Year

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

An Open Letter to Someone Who Has Been Through A Break-Up

2010-10-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

How are you doing?

Surprising how much it still hurts, isn’t it? You thought you’d be over it by now. You believe you should be over it by now.

That isn’t how it works, I’m sad to say. You don’t get to decide when it's over.

I remember my last break-up. I gave myself two weeks to get better. It took a lot longer. They pissed me off, those emotions. Not the fact they were there, but that they kept coming back long after I decided it was high time they were on their way.

Every hour my feelings changed. Everything whipsawed back and forth. I was angry at her. Then I was angry at myself. I knew what happened and how I could have made things better. Thirty minutes later, I had another emotion, another story, another way things would have been different if only I‘d...

Ah, yes. Memories.

I’d tell you that these things make us stronger, that they force us to face things in ourselves. I’d be right, but that probably isn’t what you want to hear right now.

So I’ll just say that in some ways--whether you realize it or not--breaking up with someone can be one of the greatest things that will ever happen to you. You will be faced with weakness, yes, but you will also have opportunities to prove to yourself how strong you can be. Those types of opportunities don’t come along every day.

I’ll also tell you that your heart, your mind, and your body are learning from this. You may not realize it now, and you may never realize it consciously, but it is happening. What you learn, however, and how helpful those lessons are in the future is up to you.

There’s some evidence--and I agree with it--that break-ups have a physical component to them, like some kinds of addictions. Even though you know what’s happening in your brain, that doesn’t mean you can control it. Your body craves that other person’s touch, the sound of their voice…you just want to reach out.

Right now you are going through a form of withdrawal. It isn’t an easy thing. There are times--and these are the times I personally find the most challenging--when you are not going to be able to trust your own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they will fool you. At such times you may find yourself wondering if you can ever trust your heart again. This is natural. It is also the time when you most need friends around you. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

Speaking of reaching out, I’d encourage you not to contact the other person any more than you absolutely need to until this emotional storm has passed. I would encourage you to encourage them not to contact you. Some people are better than others about being considerate when ending a relationship. Maybe you will be friends down the road and maybe not. But for now, you owe it to yourself, to them, and any future relationship you have to give yourself the time and space you need to grieve.

Sometimes I think one of the most powerful things about a broken heart is it‘s power to unite us. Democrat and Republican. God-fearing and atheist. Engineer, student, and country and western singer. Feminists and men’s right activists. No matter your culture, your age, your sexual orientation…almost all of us know what it is like to hurt.

I’m not saying this to make your grief feel less important. Right now your pain is the most important thing in the world. No matter what anybody says to you, no matter how guilty or stupid voices in your head are trying to make you feel, give your grief its due.

The reason I’m saying this is to let you know you are not alone.

You are never alone.

No matter how lonely you may feel right now, there are people here for you. They might be friends; they might be family; they might be professionals; they might be perfect strangers.

But they are there for you. I know this because they were there for me.

May peace and sexiness find you.

You, of all beings, deserve it.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Five Days Left...

2010-10-01T11:15:00.001-07:00

...until the next Heart Way Meeting.

Tuesday, October 5 at 7:30pm at the Woodcroft Library Program Room.

Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com for details.

Don't Miss Out.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

The Zen of Kissing

2010-09-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

Listen up, Love Soldiers. It’s time to talk about kissing.

You don’t have to practice on a pillow or practice speech therapy excercises to strengthen your lips and tongue that you found in a library book. Not that anyone you and I know would do that, ha ha.

Okay. I did it. But I’m a dating nerd. And in fairness, I’m told I’m an excellent kisser.

But it’s not necessary to go to such lengths (though if you are, email, and I‘ll try and dig up the title and author of that book).

Here are four things about kissing I’ve found helpful

1. Anticipation. The build-up to the kiss is as important as the kiss itself. Look from your partner’s eyes to his/her lips and back again. Lean in and back. How close can you get your lips before they actually touch? Smile. Tease. When your lips finally touch, it should be as much a surprise to you as to the other person.

The best kisses just happen. Nobody knows who initiated it. The kiss happened because it was time for the kiss to happen.

2. Kissing is a full body experience. Experiment. There’s more to kissing than lips and tongue. What are you doing with your hands? What happens when you move your head? How close or far away is the rest of your body? Your legs? Press your entire body against your partner. Or take everything away but the barest touch of lips.

Experiment. Learn what you like. Learn what your partner likes. Above all, remember that…

3. Kissing is self-expression. Kiss from the heart. What do you feel right now? Horny? Tender? Passionate? A combination of all of these things? Express that with your lips.

Sometimes even emotions we see as negative can lead to some memorable kisses. Anger. Loneliness. Even the sadness of knowing this may be the last time your lips meet. Don’t be afraid to let those feelings out.

That’s what kissing is for.

4. Above all, Pay Attention. When you’re kissing, KISS. Don’t think about what you’re going to do to them next. Don’t compare this kiss to your last partner or wonder if your roommate is watching. Don’t get caught up wondering if you are doing it ‘right.’

Just kiss.

The floor is open for comments. What’s your secret to kissing? Tell us about your favorites and what made them memorable.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

The Upward Spiral: Celebrate Small Victories

2010-09-28T09:10:00.000-07:00

In moments of hopelessness, it is easy to focus on the negative.

Even when things are okay, it is normal to find ourselves turning to things that are wrong, looking for things to fix.

We talk about cycles in destructive or unhealthy relationships. People fall into patterns of behavior and don`t know how to get out. You find yourself doing things you know are counter-productive, pushing buttons and reacting to having your buttons pushed, knowing the damage you are doing, but unable to stop yourself.

We see these downward spirals in the Wheel of Pain, the Cycle of Abuse, and even a cycle of self-abuse. You’ve probably seen these things. Maybe you recognize them from personal experience.

If so, that’s fine.

What we DON`T talk about so much is that the tendency of human relationships to cycle can also help us, an upward spiral, if you will. Thanks to this, even in the darkest moments, it is possible to walk towards daylight.

Those small steps don’t get the appreciation they deserve. We forget about them or take them for granted. Those little butterfly-flaps of progress get forgotten about in the hurricane winds of life. We don’t see an immediate effect so we write them off as futile.

They aren’t.

Little things are the most important things you can do. You may not see an immediate impact, but those small actions will make a difference. You are planting the seeds of habit.

You might not see the flower right away. It may even feel like those steps are making your life more difficult, because they are taking you away from the comfort of what you already know. When the other shore seems so far away, the fear of drowning or getting lost crossing those unknown waters often keeps us in place.

But those small, tentative first strokes,--dipping our toe in the water for the first time, the realization that there is something better out there--those are the most important moments.

To paraphrase the saying, as within, so without.

Change your heart, change your world.

It gets easier with time. The payoff is not always visible right away, but it will be there.

But you won’t get there without those small steps.

Every time you are kind to yourself, you plant a seed.

Every time you are forthcoming instead of holding back or playing games, you plant a seed.

Every time you ask for a phone number, go on a date, or talk to a stranger--regardless of how things ultimately turn out--you plant a seed.

You start to do these things and you are setting the upward spiral into motion. The more honest you are, for example, the more people will be honest with you in return. The more honest people are with you, the more confident you will become in being honest.

Instead of trapping you, the tendency to cycle is setting you free.

Don’t underestimate the power of those small gestures. Celebrate them.

They will take you to a new place.

PRACTICE

What is one small thing you can do RIGHT NOW that will take you closer to the life you want? It doesn’t need to be a large gesture. All it has to be is something it is possible for you to do at this moment. How would it feel to do that thing?

Now go ahead. Give it a try.

See what happens.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

The Trick Is To Keep Breathing.

2010-09-24T11:27:00.001-07:00

There aren’t a lot of things you can count on in this world, in love or anything else.

Lovers come and go. People change. Even WE change. Things we once wanted, we are no longer interested in. We miss something lost we once took for granted.

But as long as there’s life, there’s breath.

Remember that always.

Get this song stuck in your head if you have to.

When you’re deliriously happy, you can breathe. When your heart is broken, breathe. Angry? Exhausted? Overwhelmed? At peace? Keep breathing.

Whether you’re in bed alone, or pressed against the one you love, you can always breathe.

Breathe in love. Breathe out love.

Take in love. Let it out to others.

Above all, stay with your breath.

It will always be there with you.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

PRACTICE

For the rest of the week, practice paying attention to your breath. Take a few moments when you wake up and before you go to bed to do this. Throughout the day, remember to breathe, even when strong emotions are coming up.

Feel free to share what you notice.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

The Heart Way Meeting Support Group

2010-09-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

The Heart Way is a support group for anyone looking to improve their love life. Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday, October 5

WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room - Edmonton

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

How Comfortable Are You With Touching? Being Touched?

2010-09-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

The reason I ask is because for me, it took me a while. I would refuse most human contact. I was uncomfortable with it and the only reason I started hugging was because my sister-in-law wouldn’t take no for an answer.

If you are such a person, it’s okay. All of us have different comfort levels.

That said, I’ve learned touching and being touched is one of life’s pleasures.

If you’re ready to start exploring it, try the Practices below. You can do whichever ones you are comfortable with in whatever order you like. Take as much or as little time as you need. I’d encourage you err on the side of slowness. It's hard to feel comfortable if you're rushing yourself.

PRACTICE:

1 - Over the next few days, consider your attitude towards touching and being touched. Are there certain people you enjoy touching or being touched by? Are there people you don’t want to touch or be touched by no matter what? What is the difference?

2 - Pay attention to sensations when you handle things. What does your fork feel like when you eat dinner? How do different door handles feel? Pay attention to everything you touch over the course of a day. Experiment with the way you touch or hold things. What do you notice?

3 - Touch yourself. Anywhere you like. However you like. Experiment with different amounts of pressure or types of touch. What do you feel?

4 - Get permission to practice on a partner. Touch them in different ways and see what happens. Ask them to touch you. What do you notice?

5 - Are there ways you can incorporate more physical contact into your daily life?

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Gone Fishin'

2010-09-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

Off to Seattle. Posting will resume next week.

Do good things for yourselves while I'm gone, kay?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.