Showing posts with label break-ups. Show all posts
Showing posts with label break-ups. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

You Don't Have To Walk Away...Just Start Walking

Here are five words that break my heart every time I hear them:

Why can't I walk away?

It's a question I've asked myself countless times. It's a question I've heard from so many others, always with the same desperate, searching expression: This hurts. Why won't my heart let me do what my head tells me is the right decision?

I've touched on this question before. In a previous column I asked of people: "Why do you stay together when it's clearly hurting both of you?"

Looking back on previous relationships and the ways I've found myself again and again caught in the Relationship Death Spiral, I've often asked myself: "Why didn't we call things off earlier? If we'd stayed broken up the first time we split up, we could have saved ourselves unnecessary pain."

And last night, lying in bed, a thought struck me.

Who said relationships and their endings were supposed to be pain-free?

One of the things I believe is that relationships are a reflection of life. And part of life is change, pain, aging, sickness, and dying.

Relationship death is like physical death. Sometimes it is quick, sudden, and unexpected. Sometimes it lingers. Sometimes there are bouts of recovery, moments of hope. Sometimes there IS a recovery. Sometimes it's just a slow decline.

But ultimately, our control is limited. Things like healthy decision-making or care and attention can help, but they are no guarantees.

A sick relationship, a dying relationship, a relationship that is beginning to crack with age...what if we stopped looking at them as bad relationships?

What if we started looking at them as opportunities to practice with loss?

What if we looked at them to see parts of ourselves we wouldn't ordinarily get to see?

We see the worst parts of ourselves when a relationship is dying. We see ourselves at our most petty and aggressive. Our most fearful and needy. Our guiltiest and most resentful.

We see our own ambivalence. The way we send mixed messages. The way we say one thing and do another.

We see our compulsive habits and patterns. We see that we are not going to have neither the perfect relationship, nor the perfect break-up. There will be messes, regrets, things left unsaid.

We see the things we fear most and the things we'll do to avoid them. Unable to say no out of fear of our partner not liking us. Abandoning them out of anger. Returning to them out of fear of them abandoning us. Refusing to leave for fear of feeling like a quitter. Blaming and running and fighting...

We'll make ourselves angry. We'll flee and go back. We'll promise change and work harder. We'll accept words over behaviour. We'll strategize and manipulate. We'll go in circles: breakupmakeupbreakupmakeup. We cling to a relationship even after the other person has left. We'll do anything, anything....

Not to keep the relationship together--

Not to end it--

No, the anything we are doing is for one thing and one thing only.

We will do anything to try to avoid pain.

And nothing will work.

Holding on won't help.

Letting go won't help.

Maybe our hearts know this. That's why they won't let us let go, even when our minds are telling us to walk away.

You can't go yet, our hearts whisper. You haven't yet looked at the thing you must see.

Some of us walk away anyway. We congratulate ourselves on our strength...until we find ourselves going through the exact same situation with a different person.

And our hearts say again: You can't go yet. It's not overYou must look. No matter how afraid you are of what you might find.

There is nothing wrong with you for being in a sick or dying relationship. It is normal to find yourself unable to leave, yet unable to change the relationship.

These are opportunities to work with loss, with grief.

These are opportunities to feel pain and realize we can survive it.

As much as we might want to run out of the room screaming, as much as we may feel ourselves frozen and unable to do anything but watch this relationship hover in some netherrealm between life and death, as much as we want to call for more doctors, more medication, more machines, more heroic measures, even get in there ourselves and perform CPR, pounding helplessly on the chest of a no longer beating heart...sometimes we have to learn to stand at bedside, feel the pain, and watch a relationship die.

Sometimes--with trembling hands--we have to learn to pull the plug ourselves.

It sounds like a tall order. It might feel overwhelming.

If that's the case for you, let me give you this small suggestion.

Don't worry about leaving the relationship. Don't worry about changing the relationship.

Instead, try changing yourself.

Instead of going in circles, instead of repeating compulsive patterns, try doing some small things differently.

Measure success in small things, one unsent text message at a time, an 'I need time to think about this' instead of an immediate 'yes', a couple breaths that make the difference between the same old song and dance and something real.

A little bit of truth at a time. A little bit of the pain or fear or shame we've been running from, sip by small sip, no more than we can safely handle without choking.

It will be hard, and sometimes you may feel like you are failing. Because the changes are so small and so simple, you may not realize there is change happening at all.

But changes will happen, even if it's the people around you who notice first.

Use the Relationship Death Spiral as fuel for your own Upward Spiral. Instead of going in circles move on. Move up. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. One small decision at a time.

You don't have to walk away.

You just have to start walking.

-May All Beings Be Sexy




Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Running From The Devil In Your Own Back Pocket



I dated a woman who was active in the kink community. Later, we broke up.

I didn’t want to blame her because she was a wonderful person. I didn’t want to blame myself because I am awesome. So I blamed kink, pushed the whole thing under the rug and moved on with my life.

Half a year later I found myself dating another woman in the kink community. Wouldn’t you know it? All those resentments and insecurities came storming back.

You can’t run from the devil in your own back pocket.

You can change partners but you can’t change yous. And as every horror movie tells us, the things we bury tend to come back to haunt us. Ignoring the thumping coming from the fruit cellar won't make whatever's down there go away.

You CAN face your fears. You CAN let go of the past.

Don't worry. You don't have to do all of it right away. You'll know when you're ready.

And while you can’t change who you are, you can do something better.

You can be there as who you are changes.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.



Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: Rolling With Heartache



I’m used to grappling in pain. In my short career in jiu jitsu, I bruised my shoulder, pulled my thumb, stretched my groin. As I struggle to defend against the triangle choke my partner is closing around my neck, all of those body parts are making their discomfort known.


But the real pain, the one I can’t ignore, is in my heart.

My posture is broken. My head is down. Legs come around my neck; one arm gets pulled across my body. I wedge my free hand between my neck and his thigh, not much, just a crack of space barely a finger wide. I do the only thing left to me both for my position and for my broken heart.

I breathe.

And wait for the situation to change.

What else can I do?

Unlike other martial arts, I rarely hear my instructors talk about the ‘philosophy’ of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. They are practical people with practical concerns: the foot goes here; the hips move this way; the arm pulls now. Yet that very lack of philosophy makes BJJ the truest metaphor for life. Instead of focusing on lofty ideals or spiritual principles, jiu jitsu deals in reality.

And reality--as many of the competitors in the first few UFCs can attest--can be a hard thing to face.



Rolling Doesn’t Lie

Rolling doesn’t lie. The position you are in is the position you are in. I could pretend I’m not in a triangle choke right now. I can make all the excuses in the world--I didn’t eat breakfast, it would be different had we started standing, I’m distracted by heartache--but none of that changes where I am.

I could say the same thing about my relationship. If only I’d tried harder or less hard. I should have paid attention to those voices inside my heart. Everything would have worked had she been more open or less of a perfectionist or been anybody but the person she actually is.

But rolling doesn’t lie. The position I’m in is the position I’m in.

Little things become big things

A hand holding onto the sleeve of my gi or gripping my collar while I’m in somebody’s guard. Not a big thing, a little thing. I’m still on top, I’m still keeping my balance. Now there’s a foot in my bicep or hip. Again, a small thing. And then I go to stand and then I’m falling and now my partner is on top of me and all these little things have turned into a big, big problem.

A problem that could have been avoided by paying attention to that grip. That little thing.

I remember little things in our relationship. I remember the first little thing.

It comes back to me in a split second flash as I’m being swept. In the fragment of time before I hit the mat, I feel her in my arms, lying on the couch together. I hear the words she said to me, and I hear the words I said back, offering comfort. But I also hear the words I didn‘t say, the fear I kept inside.

It was the first time I kept something from her, the first time I decided not to trust her. It was the first brick in a wall we built together, brick by brick standing on opposite sides, until finally it was so high we couldn’t see each other anymore.

I wish I could go back and strip that first grip.

I wish I could go back and undo that first little thing.


There is no winning or losing. Only learning

I’ve been tapped out dozens of times. Sometimes it happened quickly, before I even knew what happened. Other times it was slow but inevitable; I could see what was coming, but with no way of stopping it, the goal became to prolong the outcome as long as possible.

But defeat was never personal, and I learned something--sometimes several things--each time.

It’s a hard lesson to apply to the end of a relationship, especially one I’ve worked at for a long time.

I feel like a failure, like I‘ve given everything I had and have nothing to show for it. It feels personal.

But it isn’t personal. It’s never personal. It’s just the way things happened.

That’s the last, and perhaps most important lesson, I learned from jiu jitsu.

A triangle choke isn’t personal. Nor is an armbar. My partner and I got together and thanks to our combined experience, attributes, choices, and maybe just plain dumb luck the situation became what it was. Sometimes things don’t go our way. We take time to learn, to look at our decisions, to seek help when necessary, and recover from our injuries.

Then we find our next partner, put the past behind us, slap hands, and try again.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.



Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A Good Break-Up Causes A Lot Less Suffering Than A Bad Relationship


Sometimes the title says everything that needs to be said, you know?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.



Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Applying the Cycle to Our Relationships

Before we move forward, let‘s talk more about the Cycle.

Most people who know about the Cycle associate it with family violence or abusive relationships, but I think it has some value in non-abusive relationships as well.

After all, negative patterns can show up in a relationship, even if nothing meets the legal definition of abuse.

Furthermore, we all have our own definitions of what ‘counts as abuse,’ and you know what? That’s fine.

Knowing what I know about the Opposites, I WILL add a little something for your consideration. Sometimes people in or around an abusive relationship have a hard time calling what they are experiencing, witnessing, or--in some cases--perpetrating as abuse. They tell themselves that they are misinterpreting things or worry about overreacting. They think…well, it‘s not THAT bad compared to what could be happening; others have it far worse. Or they try and convince themselves that the victim--even if THEY are the victim--has done something to deserve what they are getting. They may be blind to it because seeing it would obligate them to act on it, and so not seeing is far easier.

And sometimes it’s because people have an image in their head about what abusers or abused people should look like and that image looks nothing like a friend, co-worker, loved one, or the person they see in the mirror.

We now return to our scheduled topic, which is this:

A relationship doesn’t have to be abusive to be unhealthy. Heck, a relationship doesn’t even have to be unhealthy to hit a bad patch. Life happens to us all.

Understanding how the Cycle works can be helpful tool in such cases.

So if you’re finding yourself experiencing massive fights, icy silences, or other difficulties, followed by fantastic make-up sex and feelings of relief, exhilaration, and exultation, only to find yourself in the same position only worse less than a week later, it is very possible you are playing out the cycle.

The most common place I see this in non-abusive situations is where a relationship is nearing its natural conclusion, but one or both partners is not ready for it to end. The result is a break-up, followed by a make-up, followed by a period of tension and then another break-up.

Maybe they get back together again. Then they break-up again, but this time the time between the make-up and break up is shorter. A week instead of a month. A day or two instead of a week.

That doesn‘t seem unnatural to me. When you‘ve been together for a while, one or two (maybe even three) ‘practice break-ups’ before the real thing is normal.

The real nightmare is when a couple refuses to let go. They continue to break-up. And Make up. And break up again. Each break-up takes a little more out of them. Each make-up is less hopeful than the last.

Now the break-ups are closer and closer together. The fights are hours apart instead of days. The make-ups are no longer happening…instead one partner walks back through the door in sullen silence until it’s time to break-up or fight again.

It's a Relationship Death Spiral.

Some couples even lose the energy to break-up. Instead they live in a constant state of tension, taking on the grim and haunted look of exhausted soldiers in a hostile country. There’s no fighting to win anymore; it’s just going through the motions, hoping for the end, but unable to finish it themselves. The Cycle itself has turned to dust; all that’s left is two hollowed out husks, shackled to their own two-person Wheel of Pain.

Sounds crappy, no?

This is why it’s so important to recognize the Cycle. Remember what we know: It gets worse over time--the bad parts intensify, the good times disappear, and the cycle begins to happen faster.

Most importantly, it will not change by itself. Something needs to change in the relationship.

Finding yourself in a Cycle doesn’t mean you failed. It certainly doesn’t mean you aren’t working hard enough. It means that it is time to do something differently, and the earlier you recognize it and start acting the better.

It’s tempting to wait. Things aren’t that bad, we tell ourselves. Maybe they‘ll get better on their own.

Those thoughts are dangerous. The best time to act is always BEFORE things get worse.

There are huge advantages to acting early when we see evidence of the Cycle. The bad isn’t out of control. There are still be positives in the good times stage. We are travelling through the Cycle slowly enough that there is time to seek help, find balance, and regain perspective. It’s easier to step off a Merry Go Round than a Gravitron.

If the relationship is salvageable, you have enough energy, willingness to communicate, and goodwill towards one another to grow, build, and change instead of needing everything you have just to hold on.

If the relationship isn’t salvageable, well…energy, willingness to communicate, and goodwill come in handy in break-ups too. Ending a relationship can be sad, disappointing, and frustrating, but in the long term, a good break-up generates a lot more happiness than a bad relationship.

The Cycle is not an enemy. It is a messenger. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of it.

Most importantly, don’t be blind to it.

Because while the Cycle may not always be abusive, it does have at least one thing in common with abuse.

Choosing not to see it won’t make it go away.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.



Friday, November 23, 2012

Texting Someone After You Break Up With Them

A woman I know is recently went through a break-up. The fellow who broke up with her is now sending her text messages wanting to be friends and offering support.

Here are my thoughts on the subject:

Regardless of what he wants, that is not cool. I know, because I've engaged in similar behaviour about a year ago after initiating a break-up and it did not help things for either of us.

I can't speak for the gentleman in question, but in my case, it was a combination of legitimate concern/affection for her, the ego stroke to my insecurity from feeling like somebody needed me, and wanting to keep the things I enjoyed about her without having to actually give up anything.

But probably 80% of it was based on "Not Wanting To Be The Bad Guy"

All I was doing was making it harder for the other person to move on because I wanted to feel less guilty.

It was also unfair to me. Even though the dump-ee gets most of the sympathy in a break-up, there's a grieving period for the dump-er too. And each time I reached out for the other person instead, I was "interrupting" that grieving period and making it harder for myself.

PRACTICE
What are your beliefs about being in touch with someone after you've broken up? What would make you rethink that policy? What have you done in the past? What were the results of those choices?

Thinking about those things now, what have you learned and what would you do differently in the future?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

ADDENDUM INSPIRED BY CORI'S THOUGHTS (November 26): But you know what? You could also always ASK the person how they would prefer you handle things. You're already breaking up with them. Instead of unilaterally deciding what's best for everybody, maybe there's something to be said for involving them in the process.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: The Haiku Alphabet Project (X)




X
She’s a cunt. If she
Wants a goddamn poem, tell
Her to write her own

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.



Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: The Haiku Alphabet Project (R)

R
Rolling in the Deep
We didn't have it all, but
Looking back...not bad

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: The Haiku Alphabet Project (I)

I
I miss you today
I wish I was fucking you
Instead, you fucked me

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.




Friday, May 11, 2012

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: The Haiku Alphabet Project (B)


B
It was mutual
We learned lots from each other
Someday we'll be friends

-May All Beings Be Sexy
Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Why Chromosome

One of the least comfortable and most awkward conversations in dating is when you turn someone down for a first or second date and they want to know why.

If the person is asking genuinely, I don't have a problem with it, but often it isn't so much a genuine request as a guilt trip or the beginning of an argument. And when you don't really know the person it's hard to tell whether or not they're being genuine

My advice is don't ask why unless you want to know. And if they tell you, don't argue with them, whether you agree with them or not, believe them or not, or feel it's fair or not

The only reason a person needs to not go out with someone is to not want to go out with them.

That equally applies to when you are turning someone down. You have no obligation to provide a reason or even have a reason besides "I don't want to go out with you." Anybody who forces the issue, tries to make you feel guilty, or wants to argue you out of your decision is being a jerk.

A female friend of mine recently got the why experience and for fun we brainstormed a bunch of answers from the cliche to the ridiculous.

None of your goddamned business.

It's not you it's me.

I'm focused on my career right now.

I don't feel a connection

My husband and I have decided we're going to try and work things out.

My STIs are acting up.

I forgot I'm a lesbian

The problem is, I'm TOO attracted to you.

My identity was recently stolen by my evil clone and I just got it back. I'm sorry but I have no idea who you are.

This whole time you've been part of a research experiment measuring studliness. You scored in the 98th percentile but it would be unethical of me to date a subject.


Got any of your own? The comments section is always open.

-May All Beings Be Sexy
Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Shortest Break-Up Story I've Ever Heard

"He hit her so she stole his weed and came here."

11 one-syllable words. And yet I have no questions.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Suck Rule

(this is a re-edit of a Suicide Girls article that was a re-edit of a Hot Chicks & Strangers post. It pays to recycle)

I have to confess something...

There are times I get dumped.

It's important you know this. If you're going to take my advice as an alleged "dating expert," you should know where my expertise ends. When it comes to making relationships work, your guess is as good as mine.

When it comes to dating though, I gots me some Mad Game.

Well, I used to anyway. Months of domestic bliss seems to have dulled the edge.

Whatever your situation, it’s a shock to the system diving back into the dating pool, after an extended period of time in the relationships hot tub. The skills required to maintain a relationship and the ones required to start a new one are very different.

One of the things you get used to in a relationship is the emotional stability. Even the drama has a familiar rhythm to it, like the lyrics to a Katy Perry song (*). Dating is like riding a roller coaster blindfolded. If you aren't careful your self-esteem can go through all sorts of peaks and valleys and loop-de-loops...and you never know what's around the next curve.

I call this emotional whiplash the I RULE/I SUCK syndrome.

"The Hottest Guy/Girl Ever gave me her phone number--I RULE!"_

"My friend is flirting with cuties, and I can't even find the ability to open my mouth--I SUCK!"

"I kissed a girl and I liked it--I RULE!"

"Except, now she won't phone me back. Apparently her boyfriend DID mind it. That's okay, I can call her. Maybe tomorrow, or maybe when I know she's at work so I can leave a carefully rehearsed message. Except it's already been a week, so she's probably forgotten about me and I probably didn't like her that much anyway...I SUCK!"


Riding the "I Rule/I Suck" mechanical bull is a great way to get the adrenaline going. The I SUCK moments are devastating but those I RULE! moments...what a high.

Unfortunately, it's not very healthy.

We have no control over whether or not someone likes us or gives us their phone number or phones us back when we call. Whether you're new to the dating world, a regular citizen in it, or a return visitor, the song remains the same: Thou Shalt Not Take Things Personally.

There's a myth that success in dating is a reflection of you as a person. It isn't. If you're in the grip of I Rule/I Suck Syndrome, it might be time to take a step back, sit on your honey pot like Pooh Bear, and have a think. It could be a sign you're losing perspective.

You're fine just the way you are, whether you're single, married, divorced, "It's complicated," or anywhere in between. It doesn't matter if you're kissing girls, boys, or your own pillowcase good night.

You're still you, and that person is plenty good enough.

(*) We fight, we break up, we kiss and make-up.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Five More Days...

...until the next Heart Way meeting.

email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com for questions and registration. Yes, it's free.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Next Heart Way Meeting (FINAL MEETING OF 2010)



The Heart Way is a support group for anyone looking to improve their love life. Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday, November 9
WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room - Edmonton

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Why Did I Create The Heart Way Support Group?

The final Heart Way meeting of 2010 is Tuesday, November 9.

A few people have asked me why I started the group.

Good question. The answer is stunningly unsurprising.

It started because of a girl.

In December of 09, I had a hard break-up. I’ll spare the details. They aren‘t all that exciting or dramatic. It was a break-up--no worse (and in some ways a lot better) than any other, but for whatever reason it hit me harder than most.

I don’t know why I had such a hard time after the break-up, and maybe I never will. Grief is funny like that, I‘ve learned. It never quite hits you the way you expect at the time you expect.

This one was a bad one. I was prepared for the emotions, but not the intensity of them or the way they would come out of nowhere like a storm out of clear blue sky, swamping me just when I thought I had made it to still waters.

It was the most excruciating few months of my life.

Yet in another way, it was also one of the best.

Because in that time, a time in which I felt unable to help myself, people were there for me. Friends and family. Co-workers. Lovers past and present. Even complete strangers.

It was humbling. I had nothing to offer them in return…and still they were there.

The Heart Way is my opportunity to give something back, to be there for others the way others were there for me.

It’s a chance to be in the room with other folks, men and women, young and old. Single, married, divorced, widowed, or anything in between. It’s a chance to look into another person’s eyes, to hear their voice, maybe feel their hand on your shoulder and realize that we have more in common that we might at first think.

I don’t care if one person shows up. I don’t care if twenty people show up.

If nobody shows up...that’s fine too.

For me, in some ways, who comes isn’t the point. The point is being there.

I believe everybody deserves a happy romantic life. And I will do my part to help.

Next meeting is November 9 at Woodcroft library.

My email is thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com

If you need somebody, that’s where I will be.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

An Open Letter to Someone Who Has Been Through A Break-Up



How are you doing?

Surprising how much it still hurts, isn’t it? You thought you’d be over it by now. You believe you should be over it by now.

That isn’t how it works, I’m sad to say. You don’t get to decide when it's over.

I remember my last break-up. I gave myself two weeks to get better. It took a lot longer. They pissed me off, those emotions. Not the fact they were there, but that they kept coming back long after I decided it was high time they were on their way.

Every hour my feelings changed. Everything whipsawed back and forth. I was angry at her. Then I was angry at myself. I knew what happened and how I could have made things better. Thirty minutes later, I had another emotion, another story, another way things would have been different if only I‘d...

Ah, yes. Memories.

I’d tell you that these things make us stronger, that they force us to face things in ourselves. I’d be right, but that probably isn’t what you want to hear right now.

So I’ll just say that in some ways--whether you realize it or not--breaking up with someone can be one of the greatest things that will ever happen to you. You will be faced with weakness, yes, but you will also have opportunities to prove to yourself how strong you can be. Those types of opportunities don’t come along every day.

I’ll also tell you that your heart, your mind, and your body are learning from this. You may not realize it now, and you may never realize it consciously, but it is happening. What you learn, however, and how helpful those lessons are in the future is up to you.

There’s some evidence--and I agree with it--that break-ups have a physical component to them, like some kinds of addictions. Even though you know what’s happening in your brain, that doesn’t mean you can control it. Your body craves that other person’s touch, the sound of their voice…you just want to reach out.

Right now you are going through a form of withdrawal. It isn’t an easy thing. There are times--and these are the times I personally find the most challenging--when you are not going to be able to trust your own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they will fool you. At such times you may find yourself wondering if you can ever trust your heart again. This is natural. It is also the time when you most need friends around you. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

Speaking of reaching out, I’d encourage you not to contact the other person any more than you absolutely need to until this emotional storm has passed. I would encourage you to encourage them not to contact you. Some people are better than others about being considerate when ending a relationship. Maybe you will be friends down the road and maybe not. But for now, you owe it to yourself, to them, and any future relationship you have to give yourself the time and space you need to grieve.

Sometimes I think one of the most powerful things about a broken heart is it‘s power to unite us. Democrat and Republican. God-fearing and atheist. Engineer, student, and country and western singer. Feminists and men’s right activists. No matter your culture, your age, your sexual orientation…almost all of us know what it is like to hurt.

I’m not saying this to make your grief feel less important. Right now your pain is the most important thing in the world. No matter what anybody says to you, no matter how guilty or stupid voices in your head are trying to make you feel, give your grief its due.

The reason I’m saying this is to let you know you are not alone.

You are never alone.

No matter how lonely you may feel right now, there are people here for you. They might be friends; they might be family; they might be professionals; they might be perfect strangers.

But they are there for you. I know this because they were there for me.

May peace and sexiness find you.

You, of all beings, deserve it.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Heart Way Meeting Support Group

The Heart Way is a support group for anyone looking to improve their love life. Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday, October 5

WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room - Edmonton

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Next Heart Way Meeting In Three Weeks

The Heart Way

The Heart Way is a support group for anyone looking to improve their love life. Whether you're single or attached, hooking up, breaking up, or ready to give up, The Heart Way is here to offer support as we work on becoming accountable for our own romantic happiness without guilt or blame.

There is no charge but donations are gratefully accepted.

WHEN: 7PM, Tuesday, September 7 & Tuesday, October 5 WHERE: Woodcroft Library Program Room

Space is limited. Email thegatewayboyfriend@gmail.com to register.

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Ready Or Not Here Life Comes

Yesterday I got back from a wonderful weekend to discover my computer had crashed, taking with it my pictures, my music, some stand-up comedy stuff and some writing for this blog.

I'm most distraught about the pictures and the music. The comedy and writing stuff sucks, but I have faith in my ability to produce more.

It could have been worse. My mom and sister bought me a laptop recently so some things were saved.

But it was not the timing I wanted.

What does this have to do with romance? you ask.

Well, because in some ways, losing my computer reminds me of an unexpected break-up.

Break-ups happen and sometimes they happen before we are ready for things to end.

And one of the things that often comes with a break up is the fact that it RUINED OUR PLANS.

So what do we do?

We do what we can. Not what we wanted to, but what we can.

And sometimes we learn that nothing can be done. That no amount of screaming or yelling or phone calls or emails or hounding their friends will be helpful.

So we learn to grieve and we learn to stop ourselves from doing things that will only cause more pain for ourself and the other person.

Do what you can do. No more. no less. And when there is nothing to do...then do that.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.