Showing posts with label progress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label progress. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Questions & Answers: How Do I Find Someone Who Is My Type? --You Get Better With People In General

Hi. I'm a 23 year old guy. I've never had a relationship before, but I'm really interested in attracting metal type women. I want to date someone who 'gets me' and since I love heavy metal music, I think they would be best for me.


This is just one person's experience, but when I started on my dating adventures, I found the best thing I could do to attract specific "sub-types" of women was get better with women (and people) in general.

I wasn't always this way. Before I took responsibility for my dating life, I subscribed to the Right Person Theory. All I needed to was find the Right Woman with Right Interests. She would see past my rough edges and Love Me For Who I Was.

That turned out to be a fantasy. I was basically hoping for a shortcut--if I find a woman who likes the same things as me, she'll fall in love with me and I won't have to change or do any of the necessary work to have a more rewarding social life.

Essentially my 'plan' was Wishful Thinking.

The reality was different. What I found was that the best way to find out the type of woman that was best for me was by meeting a lot of women.

Granted, we aren't compatible with everyone. I've become more specialized with the women I date as I've a) gotten better at recognizing the types of women I'm compatible with and b) gotten better at being who I am so the type of women who are attracted to my type are better able to recognize me.

But in the beginning stages, I needed to learn to be better with people in general more than I needed to be better with any specific person or 'type' which meant I had to be open to going on dates with all types of women from all types of walks of life.

I'm glad I did. Sometimes the things we need are different from the things we THINK we need.

You mentioned you don't have much relationship experience. If that's the case, you have no idea of knowing what kind of women you'll go for or what kind of woman will go for you. So rather than hanging your hopes on one specific type, I think you'd be best served by gaining some experience.

Talk to strangers. Join an online dating site. Look around for some social clubs. Try different things. Ask women out whether they seem like your type or not.

You don't need to know find out what 'your type' is in advance. As you go out and starting meeting people, you'll learn the types of people you're attracted to and you'll learn what types are attracted to you. The field will narrow itself down for you.

You might not find yourself with the person you expect, but you'll probably find yourself with the person you need.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Little Things

"The way you do one thing is the way you do everything"

Some times, it's working on the small things that make the difference.

Do you believe that?

It's hard to believe the little things add up. We're trained to look for the Grand Gesture. We're brought up to believe that the little stuff doesn't matter as long as we come through when it counts. Sometimes we're told that details are just a distraction from the big picture.

But sometimes little things can teach us about the big things..

Here's an example:

I love reading, but I get stressed out when I have books out. Whenever I have library books at my house, I worry. I know they're out. I know they have to go back to the library.

I find myself rushing to read them all and get the most out of them before they're gone. When I'm doing other things, I worry about those books waiting at home, needing to go back to the library. Why do those books need me to take them back? It's too much responsibility. I can't handle it.

I'm never getting books out of the library again.

What kind of a person needs to read anyway? I'm just obsessing when there are so many other things I could be doing with my time.

A man can be happy without books in his life.

Then I go back to the library and bring the books back. I feel a sigh of relief. The  burden of library books has been lifted.

I'm free.

But I want to read something.

The next thing I know I'm grabbing books off the shelf. Sometimes they're books I've just RETURNED.

What are you doing? I tell myself. Look what happened last time. And you just told yourself you aren't looking for any books right now. What about all those other things in your life you were going to do?

But I grab them anyway. And before I've even left the library, I'm feeling stressed out all over again.

And the cycle begins again...

Now none of this is a big deal. When I talk about being stressed out, on a 1-10 scale, my stress level is at a 1 or 2.

But is that behavior familiar?

Well, let's see what happens if we cut-and-paste those last few paragraphs, only we make a few word substitutions.

I love dating, but I get stressed out when  I have a partner. Whenever I have a partner, I worry.

I find myself rushing to get the most out of them before they're gone. When I'm doing other things, I worry about that person needing my attention. Why do people have needs? It's too much responsibility. I can't handle it.

I'm never dating again.

What kind of a person needs a relationship anyway? I'm just obssessing  when there are so many other things I could be doing with my time.

A man can be happy without women in his life.

Then the relationship ends. I feel a sigh of relief. My burden has been lifted.

I'm free.

But I want to date somebody.

  The next thing I know I'm inviting women into my life again. Sometimes they're women I've already dated.

 What are you doing? I tell myself. Look what happened last time. And you just told yourself you aren't looking for anything right now. What about all those other things in your life you were going to do?

But I date them anyway. And before we've even hooked up, I'm feeling stressed out all over again.

And the cycle begins again...

If I'm honest, that's not a totally inaccurate description of many of my relationship problems. I love  it, I feel like it's too much responsibility, I pull away, I go back and repeat the cycle again.

That's a lot to deal with. It's a lot of behaviors to change, a lot of emotions to process, and a lot of ways things can go sideways.

The library situation, on the other hand, is a small thing. It doesn't bug me that much. The consequences of repeating the cycle aren't devastating. Furthermore, my relationship with library books is not going to hurt anybody else.

But the feelings are similar even if the stakes are low.

This is where little things are such a great opportunity for us.

We can examine our emotional responses to the small things in our life: dirty dishes, unpaid taxes, studying for exams. From those things we can learn how to better handle situations where those emotions come up. We notice how we react to disappointment, to frustration, to pressure, to feeling needed.

We win those small victories which gives us confidence in facing the larger ones.

The best part is, our lives are filled with small things. We have a feast of opportunities to learn and grow. It doesn't matter if we're in a good relationship, an unhappy relationship, or single. Those little things are always there.

Life becomes our garden in which we can continuously grow and flourish.

Take a moment to pay attention to those little things. Instead of seeing them as nuisances, we can be grateful to these Little Teachers.

If we accept what they offer, they will help us be our best.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Monday, February 3, 2014

The Loss Column

 "i hate that every time i cry over one boy it is like crying over all of them again."
-Anonymous, Other People's Love Letters edited by Bill Shapiro

In the wake of last week's revelation, another ex of mine, a good friend, has told me she is moving away to another city.

I can't say I like it.

I don't like feeling sad over women I'm not even dating. It feels unfair. Why should I have to grieve something that isn't mine to lose?

Loss is scary for a lot of people. Many of us will do anything to avoid it, and we do that with one of two general strategies.

The first is to never put ourselves in a position to lose anything in the first place. We reject others before they can reject us. We sabotage ourselves. We keep partners and potential partners at a distance or fall in love with unavailable people. Even in a relationship, we keep our distance, never letting anyone get too close.

The second is to attempt to control the people around us. If we keep them around us forever, if we control them, they will never leave us.

Sometimes it takes the form of trying to control the other person in ways that can be both obvious (abuse, dominating, etc.) or subtle (trying to be so helpful that they can't live without us).

Other times it shows up as trying to control the RELATIONSHIP--if I say things right or do things right or check all the boxes in that book I read, my relationship will be perfect and I will never lose this person.

We live in a funny culture. For the most part, we're very good at realizing how we can change our lives for the better. We know that if we set our minds to it and work at something, we'll see improvement.

I think that's a good thing

One of the things we don't seem to deal with well is acknowledging the inevitability of loss or unwelcome change. We've spent so much time believing in 'set goals, work towards them, and get results' that when that system breaks down, when we hit something that isn't going to get better, that we can't control, or that will continue to degrade no matter how hard we work at it, we end up feeling shocked or angry or betrayed by life.

But learning to love is as much about dealing with loss as it is with gain. Sure, dating and romance is about getting things, whether that thing is getting a partner, getting married, getting laid...or even just getting off the couch to see who else is out there. But just as we learn how to go out and find the things we want, we also need to learn how to deal with the fact that those things will eventually go away.

Yes, it's true relationships are about building love. But they are also about learning to face loss. Each kiss has an ending as well as a beginning.

As David Richo puts it in his book "How To Be An Adult In Relationships":

"All relationships end. Some with separation, some with divorce, some with death. That means that in entering a relationship we implicitly accept that the other will leave us or we will leave him. Grieving is there for included in what we signed on for...We think we only feel it at the very end, but we have probably felt it during the relationship too."

Learning to grieve is a process. One of the many interesting things about grief is how losses often connect to one another.

Thinking of one lost relationship, reminds us of another as we see new patterns in our romantic histories. New perspectives bring old pangs of loss as today's realizations help us reinterpret yesterday. Tug at the memories of relationship and memories of other relationships often follow, are former partners delicately unfolding before us like a chain of paper dolls.

Grieving for one relationship, We grieve for them all.

It's uncomfortable...and it's also the way it should be.

Take a moment to think of the things you have in your life. Imagine what it might be like to lose one or more of those things. How would your life be different? What form would those changes take and how would those changes affect you? How would your world change? What would you miss the most? What would you have to do to accommodate that loss? Take a few minutes to explore this potential loss from all possible angles.

Now that you've explored the possibility of losing something, how does it change the way you see that thing now?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

What I Learned in 2013: Change Starts With The Little Things

An ex, now a friend, tells me Im a guy who once he walks away, never looks back.

 That comment came back to me the other night sitting among a group of my friends watching a UFC pay-per-view.

 Ill explain why in a second. First though Id like to take a moment to break my alleged no looking back policy and talk a little about the year that was.

 2013 was weird. I entered the year having decided to take a break from pursuing relationships and somehow I ended up getting just as romantically entangled by accident than did in years when I was actively chasing love.

There were cobraskisses, and near missesand those are just the things I wrote about. Some moments are too private--and too meaningful--to be shared on the internet.

Even if I wanted to, I doubt I have the words.

 2013 wasnt what I expected, certainly wasnt what I planned, and yetit was nice to be surprised. Relationship-wise, it was a very different year for me, which meant that even at its most disappointing and frustrating, it was also joyful. Having new frustrations and disappointments to learn from was energizing, as opposed to repeating the same old patterns which is boring at best and at worst leads into a quicksand of hopelessness.

 As is often the case though, it was the small things that seemed to mark the biggest shift, which brings me back to the UFC pay-per-view at the end of the year.

 Half watching the fight replay, half playing a superhero game on his smartphone, the friend sitting next to me mentioned in passing that he had started dating another friend of mine.

 Ten years ago, I wouldnt have been surprised at this news because Id always believed they had chemistry.  On this night, a decade later, it shook my worldview.

 Because I had convinced myself that those kinds of  things dont happen.

 Over the course of the last decade, Ive come to believe you have a limited window of opportunity to connect with a woman, and once that window closes, it doesnt open back up again.

-Wait too long to make a move or show interest? Window closed.

- Do something that leaves her feeling rejected either by accident or design? Window closed.

- Betray their trust in a relationship? Let them down one too many times? Window closed, closed, closed.

- And sometimes...sometimes it doesnt seem to matter what you do or dont do. Sometimes, for whatever reason, the window just closes. And when it does, it doesnt matter if youve been together for three minutes, three months, three years or three decades. Whether the relationship stays together on paper or not doesnt matter--youre effectively done.

We could argue for some time whether or not those beliefs are true or not.

What is inarguable is the impact this belief had on my relationships, including the one with my ex-turned-friend who described me as someone who easily walks away.

 Walking away was rarely easy. But in my mind, there was also no point in doing anything else.

 The window was closed. Standing outside it staring in was humiliating. In my mind, I had wasted my teens and twenties pining over closed windows, some of which had never been open in the first place.

 Never again, I told myself. A closed window is a closed window. No matter how you feel, walk away and dont look back.

It was also easier for the object of my affection, I told myself. Whether its after five minute of talking at the bar or after a two year relationship, telling someone you arent interested is unpleasant business. Why make her do it more than once?

Worse, what if she took me back even though in her heart she didnt really want me there? I know what that feels like, and it sucks.

 I’d seen too many relationships where partners stayed together only to find themselves in an endless cycle of misery, pulling away and coming back, staggering from crisis to crisis, willing to do anything but the one thing that would make both of them happier--going their separate ways. I’d also seen couples in dead relationships, together, but never really together, just living their lives in dusty parallel, ghosts carrying on with what theyve done before, long after life was gone.

 Ive seen relationships like that go on for years. And II just cant.

 You cant have intimacy with a closed window between you. When youre so close to someone you love, it hurts to be forever trapped on the other side of that pane of glass.

Theres truth in everything I wrote in the last few paragraphs.

But this is also true:

My friend has recently started dating someone hes been friends with for over a decade.  According to my Closed Window Theory, that should be impossible.

Heres another true thing:

This year, I briefly hooked up with a woman I had dated and broken up with six years ago. It was wonderful, and our shared past, the honesty between us, made it that much better. If the Closed Window Theory is correct, that also, should not have happened.

Small things. But small is where evolution starts.

It isn't just about beliefs, either. I've noticed a person doesn't need to force him- or herself to get over feeling shy or hopeless with your preferred sex, for example. But they can make a commitment to going out and talking to three strangers a day--however briefly--and see what happens over time.

Small things work wonders, especially small things given time.

Time changes us, and while I believe its important to make relationship choices based on what we see happening now and not fantasies of the future or memories of the past, this year has showed me something else.

Now is not forever.

 Now is all we have, but its not all well ever have. Time changes bodies, beliefs, and situations. It changes us all: men, women, and Gateway Boyfriends. And it all starts with the little things.

We can walk, but we are fooling ourselves if we think we are ever walking away from anything. Much  of what we walk away from, we end up carrying with us. And the people we think were leaving behind have a sometimes annoying, sometimes delightful tendency not to stay where--or how--we left them.

 -May We Let Go Of What No Longer Serves Us and Carry The Best Of Ourselves Forward To 2014

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

You Don't Have To Walk Away...Just Start Walking

Here are five words that break my heart every time I hear them:

Why can't I walk away?

It's a question I've asked myself countless times. It's a question I've heard from so many others, always with the same desperate, searching expression: This hurts. Why won't my heart let me do what my head tells me is the right decision?

I've touched on this question before. In a previous column I asked of people: "Why do you stay together when it's clearly hurting both of you?"

Looking back on previous relationships and the ways I've found myself again and again caught in the Relationship Death Spiral, I've often asked myself: "Why didn't we call things off earlier? If we'd stayed broken up the first time we split up, we could have saved ourselves unnecessary pain."

And last night, lying in bed, a thought struck me.

Who said relationships and their endings were supposed to be pain-free?

One of the things I believe is that relationships are a reflection of life. And part of life is change, pain, aging, sickness, and dying.

Relationship death is like physical death. Sometimes it is quick, sudden, and unexpected. Sometimes it lingers. Sometimes there are bouts of recovery, moments of hope. Sometimes there IS a recovery. Sometimes it's just a slow decline.

But ultimately, our control is limited. Things like healthy decision-making or care and attention can help, but they are no guarantees.

A sick relationship, a dying relationship, a relationship that is beginning to crack with age...what if we stopped looking at them as bad relationships?

What if we started looking at them as opportunities to practice with loss?

What if we looked at them to see parts of ourselves we wouldn't ordinarily get to see?

We see the worst parts of ourselves when a relationship is dying. We see ourselves at our most petty and aggressive. Our most fearful and needy. Our guiltiest and most resentful.

We see our own ambivalence. The way we send mixed messages. The way we say one thing and do another.

We see our compulsive habits and patterns. We see that we are not going to have neither the perfect relationship, nor the perfect break-up. There will be messes, regrets, things left unsaid.

We see the things we fear most and the things we'll do to avoid them. Unable to say no out of fear of our partner not liking us. Abandoning them out of anger. Returning to them out of fear of them abandoning us. Refusing to leave for fear of feeling like a quitter. Blaming and running and fighting...

We'll make ourselves angry. We'll flee and go back. We'll promise change and work harder. We'll accept words over behaviour. We'll strategize and manipulate. We'll go in circles: breakupmakeupbreakupmakeup. We cling to a relationship even after the other person has left. We'll do anything, anything....

Not to keep the relationship together--

Not to end it--

No, the anything we are doing is for one thing and one thing only.

We will do anything to try to avoid pain.

And nothing will work.

Holding on won't help.

Letting go won't help.

Maybe our hearts know this. That's why they won't let us let go, even when our minds are telling us to walk away.

You can't go yet, our hearts whisper. You haven't yet looked at the thing you must see.

Some of us walk away anyway. We congratulate ourselves on our strength...until we find ourselves going through the exact same situation with a different person.

And our hearts say again: You can't go yet. It's not overYou must look. No matter how afraid you are of what you might find.

There is nothing wrong with you for being in a sick or dying relationship. It is normal to find yourself unable to leave, yet unable to change the relationship.

These are opportunities to work with loss, with grief.

These are opportunities to feel pain and realize we can survive it.

As much as we might want to run out of the room screaming, as much as we may feel ourselves frozen and unable to do anything but watch this relationship hover in some netherrealm between life and death, as much as we want to call for more doctors, more medication, more machines, more heroic measures, even get in there ourselves and perform CPR, pounding helplessly on the chest of a no longer beating heart...sometimes we have to learn to stand at bedside, feel the pain, and watch a relationship die.

Sometimes--with trembling hands--we have to learn to pull the plug ourselves.

It sounds like a tall order. It might feel overwhelming.

If that's the case for you, let me give you this small suggestion.

Don't worry about leaving the relationship. Don't worry about changing the relationship.

Instead, try changing yourself.

Instead of going in circles, instead of repeating compulsive patterns, try doing some small things differently.

Measure success in small things, one unsent text message at a time, an 'I need time to think about this' instead of an immediate 'yes', a couple breaths that make the difference between the same old song and dance and something real.

A little bit of truth at a time. A little bit of the pain or fear or shame we've been running from, sip by small sip, no more than we can safely handle without choking.

It will be hard, and sometimes you may feel like you are failing. Because the changes are so small and so simple, you may not realize there is change happening at all.

But changes will happen, even if it's the people around you who notice first.

Use the Relationship Death Spiral as fuel for your own Upward Spiral. Instead of going in circles move on. Move up. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. One small decision at a time.

You don't have to walk away.

You just have to start walking.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Monday, August 26, 2013

BS Dating Advice: "There's No Such Thing As Failure"

"Failure is always there, and its okay to recognize that." -Chael Sonnen, fighter

Sometimes I hear people say 'there is no such thing as failure, only learning' when it comes to dating and relationships.

I suppose from one perspective that might be true.

Unfortunately it's also true in dating and relationships that sometimes we try our best and things don't work out the way we hope.

It's all well and good to say there's no such thing as failure, but it's cold comfort when you've put yourself out there and feel like your heart got ripped out.

Sure, in the large scale we can tell ourselves 'it's just learning' or 'everything happens for a reason' but let's face it: In the moment, it's hard to look at the pathetic text message we just sent after we promised we wouldn't contact him again, that moment of  hesitation that made the difference between saying hello to a stranger and watching her walk out the door, or finding yourself and a person you genuinely care about inexplicably trapped in the Relationship Death Spiral and not feel like we let ourselves down.

These things happen. Not just in love, but in life as well.

For example, I recently failed to place in a stand-up comedy contest I expected to win outright. Afterwards, there was a lot of second-guessing. I found myself grasping for reasons, for explanations, for excuses. Once that ended, it was doubt's turn--doubt that I'm as good as I think I am. But the truth is, I performed well. It was just other people's night.

This happens in relationships too. Things don't work out the way we expect.

So why try at all? Isn't it better to just give up and save ourselves that heartache? If someone wants us, they'll take the time and effort to break down our walls and save us from our self-imposed exile. If not...then it wasn't meant to be.

This type of thinking is seductive, but dangerous.

For a lot of us, it's hard not to measure ourselves by outside results. It's easy to tell ourselves and others not to do it, but I think its pretty normal to feel rocked by failure or uncertainty or to feel like it doesn't count as a success unless we can show it to other people or measure it somehow.

At the same time there is a real powerful feeling that comes from the realization that you can fail and you won't be broken. I fell short the other night in front of a roomful of friends, peers, judges, strangers, and myself. And I'm still here. I still have the people that care about me. I'm still going to perform again. The world didn't end.

We don't like to talk about becoming at peace with failure because it sounds like 'loser talk.' But being willing to fail teaches you a lot. Running from the possibility of failure means never really learning how resilient you are or how capable you are of adapting and overcoming adversity.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Learning to Date

Whether your learning to date, trying to change old patterns of dating behaviour, or just getting back into the dating scene after a long layoff, one of the most important questions you can ask yourself about dating--or anything else for that matter--is this:

What do I want and what am I willing to do to get it?

If you don't know what your intentions are in dating, or if you're taking the wrong type of action to fulfill those intentions, it's easy to end up spinning your wheels.

Back when I was trying to overcome my shyness around women, one decision I frequently found myself making was deciding whether or not my goal was "getting a partner" or "Growing and learning." It's something It's something worth thinking about because there's a pretty big difference in approach.

If you're goal is growth...

-you need to be methodical, disciplined, and systematic. Pick one piece at a time and work at it. It's a good idea to have goals and a way of measuring how you're working towards them.

-I'm going to talk to 3 strangers every day for the next week.

-I'm gong to practice asking people I'm attracted to for their contact information.

-I am going to get better at saying 'no' by refusing sex on the first date no matter how much I like the guy.

- I'm going to learn how to buy clothes that fit.

The advantage to skill-building is you strengthen your weaknesses and push your edge.

The other advantage is that by focusing on building yourself instead of results, you give yourself tools you can use for the rest of your life.

The disadvantage is it's possible to miss opportunities because you're busy following a 'working on something' and forget to pay attention to what's going on around you.

 If, on the other hand, you're goal is to find a partner...

You need to understand your strengths and play to them. You don't need to approach 3 random strangers a night in a bar if you have no interest in bars and the people who frequent them. Instead, you want to focus on people and events that are compatible with the lifestyle you're already living.

The advantage to the getting a partner method is you start to realize that there is a lot of stuff out there you don't need. For example, as we discussed in a previous post, approaching is a hugely overvalued skill. I've never seen a correlation between the amount approaches a man does and the amount of times he gets the girl. Sometimes guys who do well actually talk to LESS people because they know who they want and don't see the point of 'practicing' on people they aren't interested in.

The disadvantage is you tend not to push your comfort zone as hard and become more reluctant to try things that aren't 'you.' And because it's less methodical you don't see the same kinds of measurable improvement quickly. You tend to run hot and cold. Furthermore, the stuff you do well, you do really well, and the stuff you can't do well, you can't do at all. Finally, there's also the temptation to measure yourself based on whether or not you're successful, so if things don't work out, you feel like a failure, even thought a lot of that may be out of your control.

Most people fall somewhere in between these two extremes. A lot of us also tend to drift back and forth depending on where we are in their lives and what their priorities are, which is probably healthy.

 It's just a good idea to know where you are on the continuum. That way you can pay attention to if what you're doing is taking you towards where you want to go. It also is a good idea to review where you are periodically. Often our goals tend to shift and we don't realize it consciously at first. This way you're getting the most out of what you're doing.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: The Haiku Alphabet Project (G)

Here's to you, brave ones
Gateway Boyfriends and Girlfriends
Stay loving and loved

-May All Beings Be Sexy
Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Be Sexier Now (Part 2): Working From The Inside Out

I mentioned in a previous column that the most inexperienced daters usually improve their relationships by making changes from the outside in.

However most people find that scoring themselves on external results will only take them so far. There are countless changes one can make; at a certain point, most of us start to feel that there is only so many changes we can make before we aren’t ourselves anymore.

Not only that, there’s the inevitable diminishing returns: Romantic victories are awesome at first. But as time goes on, it takes more and more to recreate the high of those first successes. As time passes, we start to burn out. We get sick of endlessly chasing the dragon of the next and more spectacular conquest, of being emotional slaves to the normal highs and lows of dating.

Eventually, most of us find our priorities start to shift to working from the inside out. We no longer what sexy to be something we do, but something we are.

Working from the inside out isn’t as easy as working from the outside in. The steps aren’t as specific and the results aren’t always as measurable. Yet for me, it was only once I started dealing with the inside that I began to find myself flowing with the rhythm of my own life.

The inside is about self-acceptance, about being comfortable with who you are and understanding that you’re a worthwhile person. It’s easy to give lip service to it, but not so easy to put into practice. Sometimes it feels like going backwards as you are forced to face things in yourself you need to deal with.

These things don’t come overnight.

But they come.

With it comes the realization of who you are. It becomes easier to let go of worrying about what other people might think, and discover what you need for yourself.

You start to learn that you don’t have to become sexy because you already are. It’s all a matter of getting out of your own way. Instead of trying to add things to your personality and make yourself over, it becomes a process of letting go, allowing the things that prevent your natural sexiness from shining through to drop away.

This doesn’t mean you won’t change or evolve or stop learning. It doesn’t mean you can repeat ineffective behaviour and get different results. You still have to put in time and effort to get what you want.

But that time and effort happens in the flow of life. Instead of being about the things you do, being sexy because about the person you are.

Because there is a secret I know about you, and with time you will learn it for yourself.

You are already sexy. You already have everything you need. At a certain point, striving for more is like searching the house for your car keys when they’re already in your hand.

The trouble is, this is the kind of knowledge you can’t just read. You have to experience it.

So get out there and experience. You’re going to meet a lot of new people.

And one of the most interesting of those new people is going to be yourself.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Be Sexier Now (Part 1: Working From the Outside In)

Everybody wants to be sexy.

Guess what? It’s a learnable skill.

No matter where you’re starting from, you can always get better.

When it comes to building your attractiveness, there are two approaches:

1- Working from the outside in

2 - Working from the inside out.

In the first strategy, you add tools to your arsenal to become more sexy. The second approach involves assuming you are ALREADY sexy and all you have to do is get out of your own way.

Which is better? I’m of the opinion they both work just fine, and rather than wasting time worrying about which is ‘best,’ I’d instead recommend playing with both and seeing what works best for you.

I have found the most inexperienced people (and that includes myself, once upon a time) find it easiest to start with the outside-in method because it’s less abstract and more specific than working from inside out.

The nice thing abour working from the outside in is it is a lot easier and you tend to see results faster. It also gives you concrete things to do.

Which leads to the question. What do you work on?

The nice thing about working on the external things is that there are endless possibilities.

For example, you can start with the physical things. You can sign up for a gym and start improving your health. You can work on dressing differently or experminent with different ways of carrying yourself. You can take vocal lessons.

You can work on your social confidence. Practice talking to strangers or even hit on a cutie at the bar. Join clubs; expand your circle of friends; start a dating profile on the internet.

You can build your mind. Scour the internet or the bookstore for items on the art and science of attraction and relationships. You don’t have to agree with everything, but it never hurts to know what’s out there. Learn about your sexual bits and pieces, how they work, and the issues that face the members of your preferred gender.

It doesn’t matter where you start. All that matters is that you start somewhere.

Don’t just read the books though. Knowing how something is done is not the same thing as knowing how to do it. Go out and practice. Make the mistakes. Reap the rewards.


Dedicate yourself this week to making one change. Pick something small--initiating a conversation with one stranger (or one a day), getting a new haircut, improving your body language.

Work on it for a week. What happens? What do you think of yourself? How does it feel knowing it is possible to make changes?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Mountain

Sometimes it’s like travelling a road that winds around a mountain.

There are moments it feels like you’re going in circles. You look over see the same scenery.

What‘s going on? you ask yourself. I thought I was past this part. I’m walking and walking, but not getting anywhere.

Look again.

The path winds around the mountain, but it is also going upward. Sure each time you come around, the scenery looks similar, but if you pay close attention, you’ll notice you’re seeing it from a slightly different angle.

Sometimes you come around to the same scenery. Sometimes you may find yourself cut off and needing to backtrack or descend before you start moving up again.

It doesn’t matter. That’s still progress.

Keep climbing.

There are a lot of us on this mountain and we all need each other.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Upward Spiral: Celebrate Small Victories

In moments of hopelessness, it is easy to focus on the negative.

Even when things are okay, it is normal to find ourselves turning to things that are wrong, looking for things to fix.

We talk about cycles in destructive or unhealthy relationships. People fall into patterns of behavior and don`t know how to get out. You find yourself doing things you know are counter-productive, pushing buttons and reacting to having your buttons pushed, knowing the damage you are doing, but unable to stop yourself.

We see these downward spirals in the Wheel of Pain, the Cycle of Abuse, and even a cycle of self-abuse. You’ve probably seen these things. Maybe you recognize them from personal experience.

If so, that’s fine.

What we DON`T talk about so much is that the tendency of human relationships to cycle can also help us, an upward spiral, if you will. Thanks to this, even in the darkest moments, it is possible to walk towards daylight.

Those small steps don’t get the appreciation they deserve. We forget about them or take them for granted. Those little butterfly-flaps of progress get forgotten about in the hurricane winds of life. We don’t see an immediate effect so we write them off as futile.

They aren’t.

Little things are the most important things you can do. You may not see an immediate impact, but those small actions will make a difference. You are planting the seeds of habit.

You might not see the flower right away. It may even feel like those steps are making your life more difficult, because they are taking you away from the comfort of what you already know. When the other shore seems so far away, the fear of drowning or getting lost crossing those unknown waters often keeps us in place.

But those small, tentative first strokes,--dipping our toe in the water for the first time, the realization that there is something better out there--those are the most important moments.

To paraphrase the saying, as within, so without.

Change your heart, change your world.

It gets easier with time. The payoff is not always visible right away, but it will be there.

But you won’t get there without those small steps.

Every time you are kind to yourself, you plant a seed.

Every time you are forthcoming instead of holding back or playing games, you plant a seed.

Every time you ask for a phone number, go on a date, or talk to a stranger--regardless of how things ultimately turn out--you plant a seed.

You start to do these things and you are setting the upward spiral into motion. The more honest you are, for example, the more people will be honest with you in return. The more honest people are with you, the more confident you will become in being honest.

Instead of trapping you, the tendency to cycle is setting you free.

Don’t underestimate the power of those small gestures. Celebrate them.

They will take you to a new place.


What is one small thing you can do RIGHT NOW that will take you closer to the life you want? It doesn’t need to be a large gesture. All it has to be is something it is possible for you to do at this moment. How would it feel to do that thing?

Now go ahead. Give it a try.

See what happens.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Progress, Not Perfection

“What’s wrong?” she asked me.

“Nothing.” The word was out of my mouth before I even realized I was lying.

She looked at me worriedly. I felt sick in my stomach. I want to be honest. But I don’t want to tell her what I’m worried about.

I tried again. “Okay, something is on my mind, but I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”

“Fine,” she said.

The next day I called her and told her what was going on for me. We had a nice talk. When it was over, the problem wasn’t solved necessarily. But she had listened. She had stuck around. And while I couldn’t say how things would play out, I was happy that I was able to take those steps towards building a more honest relationship.

Notice I wasn’t perfect. Even though I value honesty in a relationship, when she asked me what was wrong, my first reaction was to lie, to pretend nothing was amiss.

I was able to go back though, and even if I wasn‘t take the full step and express what was on my mind, I crossed the bridge as far I was able in that moment.

The next day, I went the whole way.

Baby steps. We’re looking for progress, not perfection. I am as fallible as the next person. But I do my best.

I ask nothing more than that you try to do the same.


Think of a place in the past few days where you’ve fallen short of what you expect from yourself.

1 - Forgive yourself
2 - If possible, do something to ‘clean up’ after your mistake.

If you find the mistake is too big for you to forgive yourself for, don’t worry about it. Leave it for now, and pick one you feel more ready to deal with. You can always come back to things that feel like too much right now.

How did it go?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.