Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

(Editorial - For women) BS Dating Advice: Men Find Strong Independent Women Intimidating

A woman at the office the other day told me that the reason she can't find a date is that men find her 'intimidating.'

I hear that now and then.

I've dated a number of these women. I like them a lot. I find their strength and focus attractive. I love the way they change the world around them with their drive. If the universe wills it/I get my shit together/meet the right person, I would like nothing more than to spend my life with a strong, self-reliant woman who is part of my life, but has a life outside what we do together.

Here's the thing.

I've noticed sometimes that Strong, Independent Women tend to be super-focused, organized, and dedicated to fixing things. They're like Vanilla Ice: If you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it. They like to be completely in control at all times, and while they might say they'd like to leave things in someone else's hands, there aren't many someone elses out there that they are willing to surrender things to.

But relationships can't be controlled. Relationships can't be organized. Relationships are not always about fixing.

Relationships are messy.

Many of these women, it seems, try to control them anyway. They're about fixing problems. Finding an appropriate work-life balance. Managing agreements.

I guess that's fine for some people. Certainly I know relationships where a little more balance between the relationship and other parts of the couple's life or coming to better agreements would be a step in the right direction.

Taken too far though, it feels crappy.

It feels like you're another problem to be managed or a block on her calendar to squeeze in between tennis lessons and business meetings. You're not sharing her life, You're just another piece in the puzzle.

It feels like for her, it's more about the role I play in her life than who I am as a person.That if I break down or stop working the way she wants me to, she'll either throw me out and replace me or worse, stick me in a corner somewhere and ignore you.

Maybe you'll become an item on her list: I really need to do something about that Partner. Maybe when things slow down. After tax season perhaps. Once work is a little less stressful.

One of these days.

I feel like she doesn't need me. And it's hard to open up about my needs without feeling like I'm inconveniencing her.

The worst is when the woman is a strong woman who also wants to follow a 'traditional dating script. It becomes the man's job to call first and plan dates and initiate sex, but there's no real feedback coming back about whether what you're doing is working because "I-shouldn't-have-to-tell-you-these-things."

Maybe you'll talk about it. Maybe she'll tell you to speak up more, that you need to deal with your own insecurities, or be more assertive.

She'd be right, of course. These women are always right.

And yet you'll leave the conversation feeling worse. Like you've just been shown one more thing about yourself that I have to fix, one more area where you've once again fallen short or disappointed her, that somehow, once again, this is your fault.

I need to be more of a man. I need to be less weak. What's wrong with me? She's right. I just need to Try Harder.

And eventually there comes a day where you get tired of trying, sick of feeling like you're the only one trying. Sick of feeling insecure and needy and clingy.

It's not that we stop liking you. You're exactly the person we fell for, after all-- smart, driven, strong, dedicated. We like you just fine.

We've stopped liking ourselves.

We imagine talking to you about it. And in our heads we hear your voice: "I thought we dealt with this already" or "You have to tell me these things better" or "So how can we help you deal with this?"

The best of us break up with you at this point.

But not all of us are at our best. Sometimes we check out of the relationship. Sometimes we just vanish one day. Some of us cheat.

I'm not making excuses for us. You deserve to have a partner who talks to you. You deserve a partner who is present and there in the relationship. Nobody deserves to be lied to or cheated on. When we make those choices, we often end up causing as much hurt for ourselves as we do for you. We aren't just letting you down; we're letting ourselves down.

This isn't about excuses. This is about explanations.

Because that's what I hear most from these types of women. They are genuinely hurt when these things happen to them. They can't figure out why they keep dating guys who vanish from their lives without a trace, who stop calling, who break off engagements, who cheat, and how it seems to keep happening over and over again.

This doesn't happen to their friends. This doesn't happen to other people. Somehow for all her success, all the things she'd doing so well, her confidence, and her drive and all the things the world tells her she's supposed to have...well she's DOING those things.

So why is this thing, this one thing, this stupid little love thing that so many other people seem to have no problem with not working for her?

And the world gives her an answer. It's a platitude, and it's not true, and because it's not true, it ends up causing more confusion than ever. Men feel threatened by strong women. We're intimidated by you.


Look, we may have done you wrong. We may not have been as assertive as we wanted to be or as honest as we could have been when we were with you. Maybe we weren't strong enough and we ran away.

But today, at least, I'm going to tell you the truth. It may not be what you want to hear, but you deserve to hear it. Certainly, it will be good for me to speak it.

When it comes to you, Strong, Independent Women...we don't feel threatened by you. We just feel like to you, we don't matter.

We aren't intimidated.

We're lonely.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

(Editorial) Attack of the Thirties

A woman I know--and by woman I know, I mean complete stranger I met on the bus--is having an attack of the Thirties.

People talk about men's midlife crises, but over the years, I've noticed a lot of women hit thirty and suddenly feel the irresistible urge to make massive changes in their lives--often to the distress of her partner who had no idea anything was wrong.

Whatever or however her life is going, she suddenly realizes that This Is Not What I Want. It doesn't mean things are bad. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with her partner. What she has may even be everything she thought she wanted, maybe even everything she DID want once upon a time.

But something has changed in her.

Often the result of this is she finds herself blowing up her life. She snaps at her partner. She quits her job. She considers dropping out of school just three credits short of graduation. She finds herself wildly attracted to someone to someone for no clear reason.

If you're a woman and finding this happen to you--don't worry, it's normal. It's also normal to feel guilty about it or wonder what's wrong with you that what you want is so different from what you have. I don't have answers for you, and I can't tell you what to do. I CAN tell you that in my experience with other women who have gone through this, clarity comes with time. Most women who go through this have told me afterward that as hard as it was at the time, they came through it stronger.

 If you're a guy whose partner is suddenly going through this--whatever she does, it isn't your fault and it is likely you can't fix it. I can't make any promises as to how things work out. A lot of times the woman ends up leaving, but I've also seen enough stay that there's no way to say for sure what will happen. Whatever happens, most of the times this is about her, so whatever happens, try not to take it personally.

Good luck.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

(Editorial) Masculinity and Femininity

Every once and a while on the internet Ill read something about re-defining masculinity or taking femininity back. Usually it turns out to be an essay about why men and women need to change--either a call for a return to the good old days or a demand for progress.

 On a social-political level it makes sense. On an individual or relationship level, its important to be careful.

 Its easy to spend a lot of time wondering what it means to be a man or a woman, especially these days where roles and rules seem to be a constantly moving target. Its easy to get caught up in either trying to measure up to those roles, fight against them, or try to change and redefine them.

 I want you to remember something though.

Masculinity is not a thing. You cant hold it in your hand or measure it or trade it to a passing merchant for a handful of magic beans. You cant pop over to the neighbours and borrow a cup of femininity.
These things are IDEAS.

You can never measure up to them. You cant transform them. You cant shatter them.

Why? Because they dont exist except inside hearts and minds.

 Many of us find ourselves struggling with our own definitions of what it means to be a man or woman. Some of us are trying to live up to that role. Others are resisting it. Others are fighting against it or to redefine or change it with our choices.

But there is nothing there to change. Theres nothing to hold on to. Theres nothing to redefine.

There is no masculinity or femininity there. Because these things are ideas and the idea of a man can no more be a man than a picture of a Ferrari can drive you to work.

Ultimately, we are wrestling with ghosts, spending time and energy to prove something that cant be proven, change something that cant be changed, or fight something that cant be fought.

At the individual and relationship level, the solution is to let go. Dont worry about what it means to be a man. Dont concern yourself with what it means to be a woman. Sever the Gordian knot by recognizing the whole thing is an illusion.

You arent chained to an idea. Youre free to be you, anyway you like.

 Enjoy it and use it wisely.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Myth of the Red Pill

Or not...

I noticed the other day I get a lot of traffic from Susan Walsh's Hooking Up Smart.

Since I've got you in my clutches, I wanted to address a popular misinterpretation that seems to be common on that particular blog, and that is the concept of Red Pill World vs. the world of the Blue Pill.

The Red Pill is an oft-used metaphor on Susan Walsh's blog about "The Way Things Really Are Between Men and Women." It's a land of alpha and beta males, of attraction switches, and sexual marketplaces. They often contrast this with the world of the Blue Pill, which is a view of reality that is based on romantic comedies and idealistic notions of love and faithfulness. The world of the Blue Pill is the world of what we say we want or the way we would like our lives to be as opposed to the way people often behave.

It's important to be careful when "taking the Red Pill."  "Red pill world" might be more real than "blue pill world," but it still isn't reality.

The whole 'pill' system Red OR Blue is a way people make sense of their experiences. But they aren't the experiences themselves.

There's nothing wrong with living in Red Pill or Blue Pill land. The problem is when Red Pill People and Blue Pill People meet.

Two people on the Blue Pill can get along just fine. Two Red pill people...they both know what the score is.
But when people on two different worldview prescriptions come together, hurt feelings ensue.

A more common problem that Red Pill Subscribers run into is they think they're view is the correct view of the world and anything else is just fairy tale nonsense.

They're wrong.

One of the things not many people will tell you (because many of them don't know it themselves) is that the Red Pill is an incomplete representation of reality in a lot of ways. It isn't the end.

People write about reality like its one or the other, like the movie "The Matrix" (hence the pill metaphor).  A more accurate comparison would be with the movie "Inception" with one level stacked upon another, a dream within a dream within a dream. Red Pill Land is in the middle somewhere, but it isn't the end.

One of the many focuses of Red Pill Land is differences. Differences between what people say and what they do, differences between men and women, differences between Alpha and Beta. It can be disenheartening and seem overly adversarial.

But if you can accept it and move past it, you start to enter the next level which focuses on how people are at their core, the same. You start seeing that despite their apparent differences most of us want the same sorts of things, love, acceptance, companionship, that at heart, men and women, alpha and beta, have more similarities than differences. I think we come away feeling less judgmental, more compassionate, and more accepting, not just of others, but of ourselves.

The first level (Blue Pill Land), you learn about people from what they say.

In Red Pill Land you learn about people from what they do.

And on the next level you start to learn about people from who they are.

Anyway, I encourage you and others who are having trouble with what they're seeing to keep plugging away. Contrary to what cynics or people still hopelessly mired in Red Pill Land tell you, there's a lot more out there.

And when you find it, it's worth getting there.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

[for women] Nothing Turns A Man On More Than The Way You Stroke His…


A lot of women know this. Yet so few do it.

“He puts a couple dishes in the dishwasher, and then looks at me like he wants some praise,” one woman told me.

“Did you give it to him?” I asked.

“Of course not,” she retorted. “He didn’t rinse them first.”

I responded with the events chronicled in this post, so no need to go over them again.

Reward effort, ladies, not results.

Who cares if they didn’t do it exactly right? It takes time for people to change. Especially when they are going against their nature. Even more especially when they aren’t doing it for themselves so much as to make life easier for the person they love. I would say 80% of your energy should go into appreciating the effort and 20% into making suggestions on how they can do an even better job next time.

You can also encourage him BEFORE he makes the effort by hinting at greater pleasures to come. “Oh, Gordon. It makes me so hot when you wear something nicer than sweats and your One-Tequila-Two-Tequila-Three-Tequila-FLOOR t-shirt to my office Christmas party, the whole time I can barely think about anything but how much I want to tear your clothes off and have my way with you on the conference room table.”

NOTE: You don’t need to use these exact words. Especially if you don’t work in an office. And/or your significant other is not named “Gordon.”

A lot of women are reluctant to do this. When we get the impression someone is only doing something to get something from us, part of us rebels. For others it feels manipulative. Still others are too busy listening to the voice in the head telling her “He should know better” or “Don’t give your power away” or “Only praise a guy when he’s earned it…and by earned it I mean done everything the exact way you like it without you having to tell him.”

These are normal thoughts to have. These women may even be right.

However, when it comes to relationships “being right” is often profoundly unhelpful.

Conditional praise leads to conditional relationships which are breeding grounds for unhappiness.

Besides, what are your alternatives? Nagging? The silent treatment? Criticism? Stewing in unspoken resentment? Grounding him?

How do you feel about yourself when you use these things to get your way? Is that the person you want to be? And if you’re with a guy who only responds to nagging and criticism, is that the kind of relationship you want?

Praise early. Praise often. Praise willingly and sincerely.

See him as a man you can be proud of…and watch him live up to your faith in him.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

In Search Of Mars And Venus

“Men Are From Mars/Women Are From Venus.”
-John Gray

“Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
-George Carlin

I go back and forth on how different women and men are. Some days I don’t see a whole lot of separation. Other days we seem to be apart on so many levels, I have a hard time conceiving how we get together at all.

There are patterns to the way many men and women behave. I don’t pretend to know whether the differences are cultural or biological, but learning to understand and accept differences helped me in a lot of ways.

I don’t think you NEED to understand the way men and women work to get a boy/girlfriend any more than a bumblebee needs a degree in aerospace engineering in order to fly.

Still the differences are interesting. And taking the time to understand them does come in handy now and again.

Right now, I‘m holding back discussing those differences on this blog. As interesting as they are, such discussions often turn into arguments or veer off onto theoretical tangents. Neither of those is helpful, and besides, there are other places on the internet for such things.

Here we are only interested in helping people become happier and more confident in their ability to handle relationships. Anything else is a distraction.

I encourage people to learn more about their preferred sex. The better you are able to understand and empathize your partner‘s point of view, the more you can work towards mutually fulfilling relationships.

Here are a few things I found helpful when learning. I hope it helps you.

1. Don’t blindly believe everything you read or hear. Just cause somebody wrote it on the internet doesn’t make it true. Read other opinions, especially opinions that are different from yours. Better yet, test what you read against your own experience.

2. Your attitude is important. Approach with a spirit of curiosity. If you look to sex differences as a way to exploit, blame, ‘win the relationship,’ generalize, or justify bitterness, you‘ll find writers who will cater to your needs. Just remember: none of those roads lead to stronger relationships. Travel them at your own risk.

3. Be prepared to accept things you may not like. It is possible that you will learn things about the opposite sex that you don‘t want to believe or wish wasn‘t true. Resist the urge to judge, condemn, or try and change people.

4. Don’t hold too tightly to what you believe. Reality is both simpler and more complicated than any theory. I‘m surprised at how many people confronted with a discrepancy between reality and theory will insist that reality is wrong.

And, finally, the one that’s hard for a lot of people.

5. When it comes to romantic experience, your experience is more important than objective truth. If whatever you believe leads you towards happiness for yourself and the people around you, keep doing it.

Knowledge is wonderful. But sometimes the way to move forward you have to let go and fall into the unknown.


What are your beliefs about men and women? How different do you think they are? How do you feel about the beliefs you have? How do these beliefs affect your dating life?

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Join The Heart Way Support Group on Facebook here.